Another one about a third child...

[StickOrTwisto]

I have read all the posts I can find on this (yes, there are many) but still can't come to a decision...to have a third baby or stop at two children? I keep trying to justify that 2 is sensible, but when I see bigger families I want that for me!

We currently have 2 little boys 4 and 1.5. Both happy, healthy and as chilled as they can be for their age. They get along great and we have plenty of resources to provide a great life for them.

However, I can't stop thinking about having a third child. It isn't about having a girl, I'd be happy with a third boy. My logical mind says don't do it. My heart says go for it.

Thankfully we are in a good position financially and have lots of space etc. My reservations are I don't enjoy the newborn stage. Pregnancy is OK. Delivery and recovery is grim...physically and mentally. I've found the first year post partum incredibly challenging mentally. I'm worried I won't have enough time for the other two emotionally. Logic says stop, but I think I'll regret it.

Ps. If I am going for it I'd want to be pregnant in the next two years as I'm now 35. I also want the baby years 'done and dusted' so to speak! Give me your thoughts and experiences please.

If your heart says yes, I would go for it. Everyone knows you just have to survive the newborn stage and endure the first year before you can really start to enjoy your baby!

If you have the space, money and desire then you’ll regret it if you don’t

Depends what you'll regret more, a year of possibly not being the mum to your current two you want to be due to the postpartum hellscape (I know the pain having struggled too) or the longer term "gain" of another little face at the table.

You'd have to be OK with rolling the dice as so much is unpredictable, but sounds like financially you can provide.

So you don't enjoy pregnancy and find the newborn stage tough, but this will be harder as you will have a child to take to school each morning and then presumably have a toddler at home too. So I would say think about how you cope emotionally with that and being present for both these children. If you have been up at night with a grizzly baby and lack sleep, but have to do the school run, and baby then sleeps but you have a lively toddler to occupy so can't take a nap yourself, will you still be glad to have had a third?
How involved is your husband and what does he think about this?
Do you currently work?

@Lmnop22 my stomach flipped with delight with your response. Because I think having the third baby is what I truly want.

@Moonnstarz I do work part time (3 days). And I enjoy work as I like something for me and the routine of it. Both children go to day care those days and I would intend to maintain that at least 2 days a week during potential maternity leave. But yes, I acknowledge that on a hard day I'd probably look around and wonder why I've done this! Husband is on board for whatever I wish, be that sticking with 2 or going for the 3rd. He works long hours so knows a lot of the practicalities will fall to me in that respect.

Hello OP

I am a bit further down the road - I have three, I had them when I was 29, 31 and 35. They are now 19, 17 and 14. I also did not enjoy the baby bit but always wanted a bigger family. I am glad I did it. All my children are very different and have brought different things to the family. It has not been easy, of course. I was glad to have a bit more of a gap between the second and third. I worked part time all throughout their childhoods. Also, like you, we are lucky to still be able to afford a reasonable quality of life and also space for all to have their own rooms. Holidays are a bit more complicated and we have tended to go for self-catering, hotel rooms can be a struggle with five, and I definitely think a bigger car is advisable. Overall the early days were a bit of a struggle but they are soon gone and I think I would have always felt there was a gap if I hadn't done it.

Teenagers x 3 - it’s a lot
how will you know of after three you don’t want 4? What if it’s twins ?

To me the fact you're husband works long hours meaning everything will pretty much fall on you would definitely put me off. Dealing with 3 kids under 5 single handedly is no mean feat. I think I would stick and focus on the two I already have.

Mum of 4 here. It’s carnage and chaos. Loud and messy…. Couldn’t recommend it enough, 5 stars :)

check whether you’re broody for a third when with your current two or only when away from them

@rubyslippers I think I'm mad, because I always wanted 4 but could not face 4 pregnancies and deliveries. So I'd be delighted and horrified all at once lol

@Moonnstarz I do agree with you on that. And that's what my sensible side says- why make life harder than it already is?

Recent mum of three, aged 4.5, 2.5 and 6 months. It's great 😀

@dundermiffling that is a very interesting thought! When I'm drudging through my day, doing the mundane mum things I think two is more than enough. But then sometimes I look at them and think time, slow down. And I could stay in this preschool/ toddler routine forever. It's only natural I guess.

I definitely think you should go for it. I always wanted 3 but my DP wasn't keen. I didn't have the energy to push it when I was 35 but not I'm too old and the gaps are too big. Newborn period only lasts 3 months!

@C0rner & @SixInTow I'm so happy for you. I feel like everyone with 3+ children says they love it. But then I wonder can I handle it!

Currently pregnant with #3 after a long time thinking and many discussions. I've probably read all the same threads as you! 😂 I am excited, I do think I will sometimes thing omg what have we done, but I've had those moments with #1 and #2 and other life things too. I have two boys, who will be 6 and almost 4 when the baby is born. I also wasn't fussed whether boy or girl, wasn't trying for a girl as many assume! But as it happens, this one is a girl.

I think if you're financially stable and have the space and it's what you want, then do it. My husband works long hours 6 days a week (but has school hols off) and it's hard but manageable. I work 3 days a week. We have no family support, just a brilliant childminder.

As someone who had 2 years gaps between my 3 boys Id say wait at least another year.

2 year age gaps were bloody hard. Iv watched friends and 3 plus year gap seems easier.

I really really struggled for the first 5 years with 3 and found it very hard.

@lochmaree congratulations!! I hope all goes well for you ❤️

@Hankunamatata yes I did wonder if I should give myself an extra year this time. I have found the 2.5yr gap OK, but with a third child to juggle the more independent number 2 can be, the better.

Another recent mum of three here! Mine are 4.5, 2.5 and 9 months. So far, so good! Much better than I imagined it would be - I found (surprisingly!) two to three to be the easiest transition.

I’m similar to you in that I work part time and financially we have capacity for three. I love the newborn stage but I really don’t like pregnancy due to vomiting endlessly for weeks. As long as you think you will be able to look after your older children, you will get through the tough bits.

I do want a fourth though, so maybe I’m not someone to listen to! 😂

@StickOrTwisto No one knows what they are doing whether they have 1 child or 15. And you never know what type of baby you’re going to get. You’d absolutely handle it because you are doing it already. I firmly believe there’s no greater jump than going from no children to one child. What’s one more? You’ll never look back and regret having baby number 3…. but you might regret not.

I have 3 and am also not a fan of the newborn stage, but I had 3 in 3 years so got round that but I must admit those days are a total blur and in a way I regret not enjoying it more as I look back at photos and remmebr surviving it rather than enjoying it.

They are hideously expensive as they get older, far more than I realised but if you can afford it then I'd go for it.

I have 3. Current ages are 10,6&3.
3 is a lot.. you know this already as you already have 2 so you can imagine what adding another to the mix will do!
baby stage I found fine, easy in fact. I enjoyed the baby stage the third time around so much as I really knew how much it would pass and staring at that little face was heaven!
however as my oldest is about to start secondary school I will still have a preschooler… it’s quite hard to balance it all now. The cost of everything becomes pretty huge, even simple things, I hate to say it but our standard of living has really slipped. Even popping to a softplay for an hour, a quick snack and drink each easily costs £60..
I do love having a big (ish) family and don’t regret it but it is a lot of hard work!

@Thestripybed congratulations! That's reassuring that you've found the change from 2-3 OK. With 0-1 I found it so difficult, but 1-2 has been great. And I love the sibling dynamic (for now, whilst the 1.5yo can't argue lol)

@northernballer yes, I think I'd probably always wonder what if. But I full anticipate it would be a blur for me too. I don't enjoy the drudgery of baby work. But love it once they're past the one year stage.

This is exactly me right now! I have two boys aged 4 and 2. My heart tells me to have a third and my head says don't. In the end I will probably have a third child if I am able to as I would regret not having a third in my later life.

Do what the heart wants!

Mum of 2 here, 11 DD and 4 DS 1 secondary 1 primary. I was 39 when DS was born but as DD was at school it was nice to have that 1:1 time with him. We always wanted 3 but the delay between DD and DS partly due to covid and partly financial meant I was too old really for a 3rd and sod was I have 2 under 2 in my 40s by choice. Now I'm too old really for a 3rd. I don't regret it I came to terms with 2 not long after DS was born. DD was a delight, DS is a typical boy and a handful at times. If I'd have has 2 that were great babies and toddlers maybe if have been more inclined for a 3rd. While you are better to have them young a couple of years waiting isn't going to hurt. While I'm an older Mum at school, I do have another much older child. Infact many of the mums may be 2 years younger than me but their oldest is also in reception so they started later.

What I'm saying is don't rush the decision see how you feel in 12 months, having the older 2 at school/preschool will help alot if you decided to go ahead, especially with both recovery and sleep. To me it sounds like you want it so do it, just don't rush it and regret it!

What if it’s mutiples? We went for a third child and ended up with triplets! Think carefully op this isn’t something done on a whim.