Another one about a third child...

[StickOrTwisto]

I have read all the posts I can find on this (yes, there are many) but still can't come to a decision...to have a third baby or stop at two children? I keep trying to justify that 2 is sensible, but when I see bigger families I want that for me!

We currently have 2 little boys 4 and 1.5. Both happy, healthy and as chilled as they can be for their age. They get along great and we have plenty of resources to provide a great life for them.

However, I can't stop thinking about having a third child. It isn't about having a girl, I'd be happy with a third boy. My logical mind says don't do it. My heart says go for it.

Thankfully we are in a good position financially and have lots of space etc. My reservations are I don't enjoy the newborn stage. Pregnancy is OK. Delivery and recovery is grim...physically and mentally. I've found the first year post partum incredibly challenging mentally. I'm worried I won't have enough time for the other two emotionally. Logic says stop, but I think I'll regret it.

Ps. If I am going for it I'd want to be pregnant in the next two years as I'm now 35. I also want the baby years 'done and dusted' so to speak! Give me your thoughts and experiences please.

Do it OP!

I could have written your post OP, down to the DC ages! I think I'm wistfully crawling the same threads as you.

My arguments for: we have the space for everyone to have their own room. We have the money, though this feels a little tenuous while rebuilding the emergency fund post house buy + mat leave. I get 6 months paid mat leave. I love being a mother so much, and each of my boys have brought different joys to my life. My DH is a brilliant dad. We have a great childminder and playschool available to us right now. I'm used to being tired, and very resilient. We have all the baby stuff stored away still to use.

My arguments against: I know it'll be more expensive as they get older, and there probably wouldn't be much international travel for a while. I worry I'll struggle mentally with the sleep deprivation (DC1 was a very wakey baby and I found it rough!). I have giant babies, and the risk of something going wrong in delivery is higher. I got mastitis both times, and it's the sickest I've ever been. I worry about having a child with a disability, though my DH tells me they'd just reach us about love in a different way - ODD for example would be so hard.

Ultimately I think I'm going to do it. A lot of my reasons against are almost arbitrary I think - it's like I feel guilty for wanting more than my lot? Or guilty that this would be taking away from my current DC. But examining that, I have the physical, financial and emotional resources for a third. The only thing it's actually going to impact is their inheritance being split 3 ways instead of 2 really.

I haven’t read the other replies but couldn’t not comment as you are basically me a couple of years ago (same ages (me included, 2 boys). We went for it and yes it’s crazy but it’s also wonderful and I know I would always have regretted not doing it. I also knew I didn’t want to have a big gap between my boys and the third because whilst the baby stage is easier with older kids, it means they’re never all at a similar stage interests-wise, and I think that’s quite challenging down the line. I am aware of how lucky we were to conceive OK.

I would also add that we did have a girl - and yes I was of course delighted but I was fully expecting and would have been very happy with another gorgeous boy. I really did some soul searching at the time to decide if I wanted a third just to have a girl - as I really believed we would have another boy, and we still knew it was about having 3.

anyway, my advice is to absolutely go for it and don’t wait around trying to decide for too long! Good luck! :)

Oh so many replies- losing track of who's who. But thank you all for your responses. I'm reading them all.

I'm delighted the majority are telling me to do it. Hearing what I want to hear and all that. I think ultimately my gut says do it. Life is full of the unexpected and just have to meet it as it comes.

I've no financial worries at the moment which is a fantastic position to be in. My main reservation is my mental ability to cope- I get so overstimulated with the crying, whinging and general chaos. But it's short lived and I just have to find ways to cope with that aspect.

When I was pregnant with my third child, another mother of 3 was really kind to me. She told me that she had been really worried about having her third, but actually, it had just been wonderful. I certainly found that. I had 3 under 4 and have never regretted it. The expense has been harder as they have got older, but it has also been easier in some ways having them close in age as they have all been at similar stages.
The poster who had surprise triplets reminds me of a lady I know, who had a boy and a girl, tried for one more and had quads!

I have three and absolutely love it. I am run ragged and definitely at my limit, especially working FT, but the dynamic of being a family of five is just really lovely. The key to coping is I think being purposeful with your planning, in a way I perhaps wasn’t with two because I could wing it more. Now I plan for us to have down time, plan when I’m tidying, plan when to have 1-to-1 time with them all, plan to make sure as a couple we get time to connect. So it’s all more effort but also I think there’s an element of coasting I had with two which meant I didn’t actually spend as much time individually with the big ones. In terms of being overstimulated… take a lot of baths and find some relaxation methods for 11pm?! 🤣

Mum of 4 and I would not recommend it 😂 I wish I stayed at two or none tbh. Life is very hard

Following with interest as I'm also undecided about a third... I have 2 DDs but always wanted 3 DC. After a traumatic birth the second time around though (DD nearly died but thankfully came through the birth and is healthy) I'm not sure if I want a third anymore. I also had health complications in my second pregnancy - it all took me a long time to get over mentally.

If I could guarantee a healthy baby, good birth and pregnancy I'd probably do it in a heartbeat, but I'm so on the fence!

I think this to me is the biggest concern. What if it's not short lived? What if you did have a third child with a disability? I know some will say you shouldn't think like that or that you will love them regardless (which I am sure you would) but if you already have concerns about coping mentally, then throwing in a child with additional needs will be exhausting and impact the other two.

I would do it. I have 3 boys. Third was a surprise and it took me a while to get my head around the pregnancy but I wouldn’t change it for the world. You won’t regret having another baby, you’ll obviously love them, but you may well regret not…

My only thought for you is that you say DH is on board for what ever you wish - that isn’t a resounding commitment to be on board with a 3rd and you mention that he works long hours so he knows most of the practicalities will fall to you. How on board is he really and how will you cope with 3 if he isn’t around to help out during the week and then tired at the weekend ? It’s easy to say I’ll support your decision knowing full well that he won’t be able to do the practical stuff and leave it all to you.

We have 3 with gaps of 2 years and 18 months. There are so many variables that have already been raised in this thread and no guarantees. Add to the mix that each baby, child and young adult then becomes totally their own person and although you're an experienced parent, you might find that what worked for dc 1 or 2 may not work for 3. It's a lot, often exhausting and the requirement to provide attention in 3 different directions at once can sometimes make your head spin.

But it's also been an amazing ride as a family of 5. I love hearing them laugh together and they remain close as they move into adulthood. It's been a privilege seeing their bond develop as they've grow as it's not a given.

There's no right or wrong answer. You just end up committing to a course of action and making it work somehow, just like most of parenting whatever the size of family. What I would say is that I don't know if I could have wrangled them all without the teamwork and support of a very patient and hands on dh.

Mother of three adult sons here, it’s has been and is wonderful.