that you shouldn’t tell your spouse to “fucking shut your mouth, shut the fuck up”

[Hehatesme]

Me and DH have had issues for a while, mostly his lack of financial contribution and laziness. He threw a tantrum the other night and theatrically went to “sleep” in the spare room after I told him not to snap at me. he came back when I was “asleep” and slept normally. Woke up like nothing had happened.

When I approached him later that day to talk about it (calmly) he got annoyed saying “you don’t want to escalate this”, “this isn’t shouting, you don’t want to see me shouting”. I stupidly said, “well if I get some answers then we will have to escalate it”

He then screamed “fucking shut your mouth, shut the fuck up”. I was sitting down and he was standing in front of me. Then he pulled a load of laundry off the bed and threw it over the room.

aibu to think this isn’t a “normal” way to argue?

You already know the answer

Honestly sounds like you both need to communicate better.

Nothing about this is normal.

No of course this isn't okay. If hes not contributing financially or at home, what exactly is it hes doing? Honestly id not allowed anyone to talk to me that way. Whose house is it?

It's not conducive to constructive discussion about the relationship issues involved (to put it mildly)

Shut your fucking mouth
I'd put that in threatening category
That's beyond normal row stuff.

None of that is normal.

I wouldn’t bother trying to communicate with such an arsehole - I’d start making arrangements to divorce him.

She needs to communicate his way out the door.

I'd suggest that the OP starts with communicating with a really good legal firm, rather than wasting her time with somebody whose communication style is threatening/intimidating.

Of course it’s not normal. Sounds like he’s a cocklodger too.

I think this relationship has run its course, don’t you?

He is beginning to be threatening (if he wasn't always like this). 'You don't want to escalate this' and 'You don't want to see me shouting' are deliberately designed to scare/intimidate you into backing down. He is a bully. Throwing stuff is the beginning. Next time he'll throw something actually at you. The time after that? I wouldn't stick around to find out if I were you.

Silly question OP.

You will never be able to reason with someone like that. He sounds like my ex. Unhinged, selfish and angry. I recommend divorce asap

You leave out what you say. Was You goading him? What did you mean when you said about escalating it if you get answers?

He doesn’t contribute financially, is lazy, throws laundry around (that I assume you did in the first place) and screams swearing at you?

Why aren’t you already single?

if you found it normal you wouldn't be asking so that's telling…some of these posts make me thank my lucky stars i'm single. a partner is meant to make you feel and live better not worse, a partner like that is far worse than none…people only treat you as badly as they get away with, a frying pan over the head older-generation-housewife-with-a-lazy-and-drunken-husband style would be very tempting if i was you. know your worth, get your own back then decide if you want marriage counselling for both of you and anger management for him or if you want to divorce this pig (personally i would be divorcing). sending strength and best wishes. you deserve better❤️‍🩹

OP stated she approached him to talk calmly.

Are you married to my ex? Our issues were the same and he did exactly this (punching hole in my wall rather than throwing laundry) but it only escalated when I was already pregnant with his child.
do you have kids? Either way, make a plan to leave safely with the support of a dv charity.

She communicated calmly, he became very aggressive

dear god tell me you don’t have dc with this man

im trying to make plans to leave, my financial situation has been ruined by him but I’ve got some money to leave now. My sister knows.

he does have form for shouting and throwing stuff. He also told me he used to punch holes in walls when he was with his ex but “therapy helped me stop that”

He’s repeatedly undermined or disrespected me. He’s just never explicitly told me to shut the fuck up before.

I had this same interaction with my mother when I was about 19. I’d had enough of her screaming in my face, spitting at me, rampaging around the house roaring and slamming because something didn’t go her way. I told her calmly that I wouldn’t be tolerating it any more, and she could either learn to control herself, or get used to the sight of my back as I walked away.

She went quiet for a bit, then pouted, then sneered at me and said “Well, what’s so special and precious about you, that you can’t be shouted at…everyone shouts, you’re being dramatic,” etc. She felt fully entitled to dominate those around her with her raging emotional incontinence. She had no intention of changing anything.

She never did learn to control herself, because she didn’t want to. We’ve not spoken for 20 years. I think you may have to draw a similar boundary, and be prepared to stick to it. Some people genuinely think they are justified in behaving like this, and when push come to shove, they don’t love their so-called loved ones as much as they care about their freedom to be a fucking tyrant.

not 100% sure but you might be able to access a grant through women's aid or salvation army for expenses to leave, is your sister in a position to help financially/house you? you deserve more than what this cockvermin can offer i hope you get away successfully and have a beautiful and blessed life, and your next partner's good points outshine every bad point this motherfucker has tenfold🙏🏼