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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to do my PFBs 1st birthday my way?

36 replies

buntinglicious · 12/06/2008 12:26

I didn't know where to post this, I'm not being unreasonable, neither is anyone else but don't know how to deal with this situation.

It's my DD's 1st birthday next Friday, we are not doing anything on the day but on Sunday we have arranged to get together with some of the family for lunch, we were thinking a carvery in the town where my mum lives. My aunty, who lives in the same town has just text me and said "why don't we do it in our garden, we can all bring something. I'll maker her a chocolate birthday cake".

Firstly I'm not sure I want to do it at hers, there is not enough room in the house if it rains, and it's also a faff if everyone has to bring something, I don't want to have to co-ordinate what everyone brings, just thought it would be easier if we all went out. Secondly I want to make DD's birthday cake. it's her first birthday, I've even hired a "1" cake tin and bought a piping bag to ice it (not quite sure how to use it yet ).

The thing is I don't want to offend my aunty, and she probably would be offended. She does make nice cakes (she made our wedding cake) but it just want it to be hassle free and make my own DD's first birthday cake. It's my mum's sis and I have tried calling her to ask her advice but no answer yet, and to be honest I will probably end up doing whatever she says (that's a whole other AIBU thread) and she will probably say "dn't be so selfish, let aunty XXX do it at hers".

What do I do? I don't want to have to do it someone else's way just because they offered. I might concede on doing it at hers (though DH won't be happy) if I don't have to organise it (but what if it rains) but I want to make the cake myself, how do I let her down, and am I really being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bucharest · 12/06/2008 12:28

Of course YANBU. It's your child. I hope you have a lovely day, doing what you want to do!

Rosa · 12/06/2008 12:29

Why don't you ask your Aunty for advice on a good cake base and how to help with the icing- Surely she would understand if you wanted to do it yourself- You might get some good tips for future years.

SirDigbyChickenCaesar · 12/06/2008 12:29

just tell her you appreciate her kindness but everything is already planned. maybe you could go to hers after if it;s nice out?

RubyRioja · 12/06/2008 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinkie1 · 12/06/2008 12:31

YANBU - but don't really see what sort of fun a 1 year old is going to have at a carvery - not a child orientated birthday treat!!!

Just ring her and tell her straight that you want to make your childs first birthday cake though it is easier just to be straight about these things.

branflake81 · 12/06/2008 12:32

I would say let your Auntie make the cake if it will make her happy.

But I'm all for having a quiet life.

OnACaffieneHigh · 12/06/2008 12:33

You could have your aunt's cake for the family to demolish on that Sunday and your cake for just you? (Not just you you understand but hopefully you know what I mean)

nkf · 12/06/2008 12:34

If you want to do it your way, then you will be able to. Just put your foot down. And bear in mind that people want to help and want to share in your lovely baby's first birthday. Aunties like making cakes.

Jojay · 12/06/2008 12:35

I think tellig your aunty that you want to make the cake, but asking her for a recipe / advice, would go down well. Just say that as a good mummy, you feel you should make the cake yourself, or some other tosh.

But just politely decline her other offer, by saying it's planned already but you'd love to see them there.

MummyAnnabella · 12/06/2008 12:39

personally i would make a cake for the friday for a little party for yourselves (which will be in photos) and let aunty make the cake for the sunday which has to feed more people if she is better at it. that way you get best of both worlds.

also if you havent already booked carvery i would go with aunts offer as it will be cheaper and easier for you and the kids to have in garden that in restaurant. plus as it isnt your house you dont have to clean up before and after.

as for organising there cant be that much to do if everyone brings something and i would just say to aunt could you ask people to bring stuff if you dont want to ask though surely a few texts would be all thats needed?

but that is just me as i am lazy and it sounds like a practical and easy solution. important thing is to do what you want.

NotABanana · 12/06/2008 12:40

yanbu

yOU NEED TO TELL YOUR aUNTie THAT EVERYTHING IS IN HAND AND WITH IT BEING YOUR CHILD'S 1ST BIRTHDAY YOU WOULD LIKE OT MAKE THE CAKE YOURSELF. Oops, caps

nkf · 12/06/2008 12:41

It could be that people don't want to pay money for a carvery. They're rarely cheap and I've never eaten a good one. Are you picking up the tab?

To me, a garden affair with everyone bringing something sounds much nicer.

nkf · 12/06/2008 12:44

There's also a Travelodge and a Hilton (not a swanky one).

nkf · 12/06/2008 12:44

Sorry. Wrong thread.

Original poster
buntinglicious · 12/06/2008 12:48

The cost thing is a fair point. When I speak to my mum I will ask if anyone has mentioned that. But the thing is they have a really small house, there may be about 15 of us there. So if it rains we are stuffed.

The thing with having my cake on the Friday is that it will only be DH, DD and I eating it and we are out at a wedding on the saturday. I want everyone to admire my baking prowess enjoy it! Although I am erring that way for a quite life.

OP posts:
milknosugar · 12/06/2008 12:52

a) tell the truth. it is really important to you that you make the cake, but you appreciate the kind thought. you are sure she will understand as a cake maker herself how much love goes into baking for other people.

b) lie. tell her you have already made the cake and booked the carvery.

whatever you do dont ask your mum if she wont be supportive

stroppyknickers · 12/06/2008 12:56

Are you paying? Otherwise your aunt is probably thinking she doesn't want to faff around splitting the bill etc. Think it's a bit unreasonable to invite people and expect them to pay. Can't they come to you?

funnypeculiar · 12/06/2008 13:02

I would deffo ask for recipe & say you want to do cake - you've been really excited about it/have already bought lots of stuff etc. Surely she would understand that. Perhaps you could ask her to make a more adult cake in cake in case the grown-ups would like something more sophisticated (they'll want butter icing & sprinkles - I guarentee it

Perhaps you could suggest going back to her house after the carvery for cake & coffee instead of restaurant pud IF the weather's good? (Saves money on meal too as only one course)

mazzystar · 12/06/2008 13:03

Remember your aunty is trying to help.

Can you make the cake together?

Don't stick with your original plan just because its your plan - little birthday parties in peoples' houses are really lovely and probably more enjoyable for the birthday person

theyoungvisiter · 12/06/2008 13:10

In your shoes I would say...
--------
Hey aunty, what a lovely idea, it would be great for you to host in your garden. Let's look at forecast on (pick a day) and if it looks fine I would love to do it at yours - if it's supposed to rain then probably better to stick with the carvery, do you agree?

I would love you to make a cake - or maybe some fairy cakes? But I'm sure you'll understand that it's really important to me to make DD's birthday cake myself - I've bought a tin and everything! I'd appreciate your advice though - you make such great cakes. It would be fantastic to have a back up supply though, in case there's not enough to go around.
---------

If she has an OUNCE of tact or understanding she will back off about the cake - I think it is totally normal to want to do this really important thing for your own child and she will understand that. My MIL did the same thing for my DS's first birthday but I was just completely honest and said "look I would love for you to bake something but can you do a normal cake and not a birthday one? It's really important to me to make XXXX's cake myself". She was totally sweet and completely understood - I think your aunty will too. People are usually surprisingly good about that kind of thing, they remember their own kids and how important it was to them.

chloesmumtoo · 12/06/2008 13:11

To be honest you have to do it the way you want,else you will be disapointed. However, I would be inclined to make your dd a cake on the actual day anyway like someone else has already sugested. I could not bare to not have one on the particular day special with yourself, dh and dd. I also cant say a first birthday party at a calvary is really for her and would not see that as appealing as doing something else more family orientated like your Auntie has sugested at hers in the garden. But then saying that for all I know the place your going to could be nicely equipted for children, in which case I would understand.

Jojay · 12/06/2008 13:12

Like FP's idea about going back to Aunty's for cake and coffee - best of both worlds and if it's wet, you can scrap that part.

Original poster
buntinglicious · 12/06/2008 13:15

Well she will probably be the only child there, any others will be 14 or over. She will be happy whatever I think, she's too young to appreciate anything "child oriented".

Theyoungvisitors idea is good though, about the weather. I think you are all right about the cake, I will say great if you can make I cake But I want to make the birthday cake.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 12/06/2008 13:20

YANBU. as it's your child. and also it's going to be loads easier doing it your way.

theyoungvisiter · 12/06/2008 13:22

I don't know where you live, but it's forecast to rain nearly every day for about a fortnight down here, so you would probably be quite safe with the weather argument!