Dating as a lone parent.

[SweetStrawberries]

Im a lone parent and I have my children full time. I’d like to start dating again but having my children full times makes that pretty much impossible (unless you have lots of family help which I don’t) I have spoken to a few people who have told me it’s possible by paying for sitters. Personally having looked into this I really don’t think it is realistic. I don’t know any irl so I checked out child care webites and they average £20 an hour in my area plus minimum booking so roughly £60 for an evening! Thats without adding in dinner and drinks. So more realistically £100 a date. I don’t think lone parents are paying £100 every time they go on a date?! That would be massively unaffordable for the majority I would think? And then throw in online dating im not sure any man is worth £60 a date! 😂 so if I wanted to see them once a week that could work out as £240 a month (without including the cost of dates) I don’t know any single parents that use sitters so perhaps there are loads doing this but I’m just not aware. AIBU thinking this would unaffordable/ unrealistic for most single mums? Or is this really how most other mums without support manage to date again?

Yanbu. I've not dated since I became a lone parent over a decade ago. I don't have the time, money or energy to do it. I've barely been out in the evenings either.

Any free time is better spent at the gym or pottering around.

We used to use baby sitters when the kids were young, not £20 an hour though, we used to pay £5 an hour to our next door neighbour who was 17 at the time. If your child is 8/9 you do t need a qualified nanny. You need a sensible teenager who can watch they don’t do anything daft and is level headed in an emergency. Do you know of a 15/16 year old? A neighbour? From a sports club?

Alternatively, could your child go for a sleepover at a friends house? You can reciprocate.

I don’t know anyone at all in real life that can babysit unfortunately and my kids don’t go on sleepovers.

I read this and wonder how many men are having these conversations. It’s fucking sad.

I’m not in your position, OP, and I have no words of wisdom. Only useless outrage and sympathy.

There is quite literally a story every week in the news of a child being abused or murdered by mum’s boyfriend.

Do not bring a man into the place where your children are sleeping, or when your children are young and actually at risk.

If you don’t have childcare then you just have to wait until your kids can stay home alone for a couple of hours. I waited 18 months to introduce my boyfriend to my lids, and they were 12 and 14 at the time (and both taller than him as their dad is a giant!). Not little kids at risk.

It's not reasonable to ask someone to wait a decade plus to date. Every single parent I know has partners over when their kids are asleep. It's not the same as leaving them alone with a stranger.

Have you any friends who would babysit for you or have any family help? Otherwise you are pretty stuck, I couldn’t afford babysitters but I did have friends and family who would help out.

I also worked longer days so got one day off in the week which allows for some day time dates.

That said I haven’t bothered dating for the last 9 years, just enjoyed my dd and being single. I did a few single parent holidays which were good and resulted in a few new friendships.

No one that would babysit no.

It is reasonable. If dating means you being a strange man into your children’s home then you are making the wrong choice.

I’m not a happily married person saying this with no experience. I stayed single for over a decade because otherwise, I’d have been bringing someone round to my kids far too son and when they were too young and too vulnerable if he was a bad one.

You made the wrong choice. Plenty women do - and too many kids suffer the consequences.

Exactly. Men aren’t expected to stay single for a decade.

Most teenagers at 16/17 are more savvy these days and know the “going rate” is far more than £5 per hour - they’d be looking for minimum wage at least £10-15 per hour - the days of next doors teenagers baby sitting for twenty quid are long gone

Day dates, sleepovers at friends, next doors teenage daughter. Come over for a film date night when kids have gone to bed but not stay over. In a way it’s better because it wheedles out the men who’re just after a quick fling. They have to be patient and put effort in. Not dating when your kids are little is ridiculous. We don’t ask their dads to do that. But you do have to take it very slow.

You need to get out there and meet people and build connections. Make friends with your children’s friends mums. Talk to neighbours, join local groups. My connections keep me sane. I’m now menopausal and have given up on men and bought a dog instead 😂

Because they don’t tend to be line parents. They tend to be the “every second weekend” parent.

If that’s what you want, then be the every second weekend parent and date as much as you like.

There is no perfect answer. But you had kids and you didn’t leave them, so you’re the lone parent. That comes with sacrifices because your choices directly affect your kids. Having strange men around them simply isn’t an option so you stay single until dating is feasible.

Sometimes, life is unfair.

I think it’s more likely to attract the men after one thing 😅 thinking they can just come round for sex when the kids are in bed and don’t have to make effort to take you out on dates

That’s not an option as he isn’t involved.

I'm in a similar position through widowhood when my daughter was 2. I have:
-Reduced working hours so I have a day off in the week which I use (on and off) for dating (appreciate this is a luxury not everyone can afford)
-If I have a bit of toil to use up I sometimes use it for a daytime date
-Date as local as possible. Travelling an hour+ is a non starter. 30 minutes max if at all possible.
-Stump up the cost for a babysitter 1-2x a month. I only pay £10 per hour and dates can just be a drink/coffee at least at first, still expensive but not as bad as you calculated
-Most controversially perhaps, I will have dates at my house (downstairs only and not first dates) when my child is asleep upstairs

Whenever there's a thread on here about lone parent dating there are always plenty of comments about waiting until the children are older, but I was 2 when I was widowed and not willing to wait, what, a decade? 16 years? to have a romantic and/or sexual partner, so for me it's a case of doing what I can understand the circumstances.

In your opinion.
There's no right and wrong way.
What if you had a young adult son loving at home and you had younger kids. Would the adult son not have his friends over just because they are male?

That’s very different. As a lone parent, we know that men target single mums to gain access to children. We need to weed those out, by never having them anywhere near our kids for a long long time.

Mates of siblings don’t really target their friend to get access to siblings. I’m sure it does happen, but it’s not really what we see in the news about abused and murdered kids, is it? But “mum’s boyfriend” is very much a position which certain men seek out.

I think most people think of local teenager/daughter of friends type arrangement when they say get a sitter. Do you know anyone who has a teenage daughter who might want to earn a bit of cash babysitting? The other alternative is to have a reciprocal agreement with a friend, so they have your kids for a sleepover and you reciprocate when they have a night out?

No unfortunately not. They have young kids and they don’t want to swap babysitting and neighbours are elderly. I don’t think that’s what they meant though as they mentioned websites where you can find sitters, I don’t think they didn’t realise how much it would cost though!

How elderly are the elderly neighbours? If they're still fairly active, they might be willing to sit with the kids for a couple of hours of an evening, especially if you het kids to bed first?

when I say elderly I mean 80s etc I wouldn’t ask my elderly neighbours to babysit

I did use sitters initially but also used play dates or when DC is in school/activities/summer camp to meet up with my now-partner. After six months or so, I introduced my partner to my DC and they got on like a house on fire, so now it isn't an issue as he spends weekends with us and we go on holiday together and we've been together nearly five years.

Ask on local facebook groups for babysitters or just search "babysitter/ing". Around here it's very common for nursery staff/KS1 school staff to look for additional work in the evening, most can provide references and also have all the right checks in place. I have had a few work for me and they have been so lovely.

I couldn’t afford it I just wondered if anyone could actually afford it!