Am I selfish to gatekeep my hairdresser for myself?

[Catbrations]

I got my hair done this morning. A wash and cut and I love it.

My mother liked it and she expressed an interest in going to my hairdresser. She expressed an interest before. I usually lie to her tell her he's booked out for weeks or he's not taking any new clients. It's just he is on the expensive end I think. I appreciate his work. I know my mother would resent his charges and she will likely rest his work and charges and she will likely trash talk him behind his back and behave all entitled.

It's just, I would be embarrassed if she was to behave badly and if I recommended him to her and I am associated with that. That's not to say that maybe someone could genuinely have an issue with a hair service and would like it rectified. It's just j know from the start, my mother will likely go in wanting to find fault with something.

So, my hair dresser is mine and I don't want to share him with her. Am I bad for lieing.

I feel bad for gatekeeping him because he will likely make her feel like a million bucks too and it would be nice for her but I know her too much too, she won't appreciate his work will likely go into him wanting to find fault and resenting his charges. So I am afraid she will have to find her own hairdresser.

I paid 75 for a wash and cut today but I would veiwnthat as somewhat average especially with the cost of living. If my mother was faced with that charge she would likely have a heart attack.

Surely just tell her the cost and then she will immediately dismiss the idea if she's not prepared to spend that kind of money, and thee will be no need for all this possessive hairdresser melodrama?

Or just tell her that you've fantasised an entire scenario where she disgraces you in front of your hairdresser because of her bad behaviour?

YANBU but, he's a hairdresser. She could easily contact him directly to book in and you couldn't do a thing to stop her.

I would tell her you have someone great but these are his charges and only to use him if she accepts that.

Keep lying, you can’t risk him dropping you as a client cos she’s an arsehole

YANBU, if she's going to be an arsehole it's fair for you to save him from having to deal with her.

She asked me the cost but I lied to her and told her that I don't remember because I tapped and didn't get a receipt. If I told her how much I spend on my hair, she would begrudge that too.

Just keep quiet about it and change the subject if it comes up

She's someone who would likely not misbehave to him. It's hard to say really. She's someone who would get angry after wards and trash talk him behind his back. Likely. It will all be resentment over paying for a service.

Firstly, who cares if your mum begrudges what you pay for your hair. You are an adult who presumably earns their own money, you can spend it how you like. My mum is forever telling me I spend too much on xyz, I just roll my eyes and ignore her.

Secondly, once you've got over that I'd just tell her the price and let that put her off. I don't think you need to spend so much time worrying about the myriad of likely possibilities for her using a service she might never even use.

I expect your DM is a PITA in all areas of your life and this is just one example. You need to put her on an information diet about your life if she keeps being intrusive and disruptive. You don’t need the headache of always trying to be one step ahead of characters like this. Detach slowly in your head and put in the distance so you are not burdened with her poor behaviours.

Yes, I'm the same with tradesmen. I never name a tradesman to friends who I suspect might mess the tradesman about.

Me too! I know people like this. I would never recommend them anyone. Some people are unreasonable and unrealistic and seem to expect everything for nothing. They can sort themselves out.

Come to think of it my mother is the same with any other tradesperson - plumber, chimney sweep and anyone else. She's always looking for fault in anything. My mother is someone who trash talks her ex husband but expects him to do work for her for free too.

Me too.
I have a roll call of excellent guys that do brilliant work.
I pass their numbers on judiciously and always tell friends to say they may mention my name.
I always give a lovely lunch, pizzas and toasties, coffee and cakes to those that do work, and they are very appreciative of it.
I think you get a better job from those you look after and treat graciously.

In your situation, knowing your mothers character, I wouldn't dream of inflicting her on someone whose work I admired.
Certainly not a great hairdresser!

So you're all happy to deny these people work?

I'm sure they're all grown-up enough to handle difficult clients

Have you got another hairdresser you have been to? You could give her their details as a decoy hairdresser and if she mentions you to them they might remember you??

So? Youre a grown adult and you don't need your Mum's permission about what to spend on yourself.

I don’t blame you at all. My sister asked where I go for my colour. I told her. In my next appointment the hairdresser told me, my sister cancelled 3 times in a row then walked out after her consultation because she was too expensive! My hair dresser said my sister had wasted her time and would have to pay upfront next time so they could subtract a cancellation fee. I was so embarrassed 😳 Especially when she’s not expensive but mid priced for a great colour. I would never give anyone else my hairdresser's info again!

So what, though? I mean, why is it her business how much you spend on a haircut? You're an economically-independent adult, right?

Oh god, thank you for sharing your experience and for reinforcing and reminding me not to share my hairdressers details. I nearly caved today but I continued to spin a lie that I usually spin to my mother when she expressed an interest.

I am so sorry this happened to you and to your hairdresser.

My mother RSVPed to a wedding wedding invite as intending but she didn't really want to go and in the end she didn't go but wanted me to sort this out. As in to attend instead of her. I was invited to and to lie to everyone that she was sick and she refused to give a gift too because she wasn't going even though she RSVPed as attending and there was a place setting for her.

Likely if I was to share my hairdressers details she will get me to make her an appointment and she would likely cancel without a care in the world and it would be me left paying a cancellation fee. It if she goes, I won't ever hear the end of it. All that could happen is that she may undermine any future appointments that I might have with her ranting.

I know another lady who would be too intense in her emotions. She would likely go into hair appointments looking for friendship but not really to get her hair done but she's very demanding and intense. She asked me one morning for my hairdresser and just knthe spot I lied to her and gave her a random hair salon in the city.

All those answering who have a normal relationship with a normal mother are funny. This isn’t a normal relationship, it’s one where op is wary of her mum .

op I understand but you need to do some work on not being affected by her whinging, it doesn’t matter you are not responsible for her and she’s not a reflection on you. Her opinion should not affect you. I have a thing where if mine notices I have something new on her first words are “would that fit me” or “ I might borrow that” . It repulses me!

As someone whose mum is exactly the same OP, YANBU.

I stopped going out in public places with my mum a few years ago because she’ll do things like pull faces if someone is being loud, and the last time we went out she said (and she has a foghorn voice) “Look at that fat child”. The parent heard. She doesn’t live locally and I told her to have some respect for the fact that I do.

Not dementia either she’s still only mid-60’s. But she’s SO offensive, anlways has been, and makes no effort to do things like change the words she uses to fit in with more modern times. Im not talking nonsense stuff like “cisgender”, im talking using outdated terms about gay people and black people etc.

I’d commit to never going to the hairdressers again rather than introduce my mum to mine.