To have told my neighbour that my son has ADHD

[TheSparklyShoe]

Early in 2025 DS was diagnosed with ADHD. I was close to my neighbour at the time and confided in her and gave advice as she was awaiting a diagnosis for her son. Fast forward to the end of 2025 and I’m now separated from my husband and I’m living nearby. MIL has befriended my old neighbour and she recently told ex how she was furious that I told said neighbour about DS diagnosis. She unfortunately would also have told DS how I had been “gossiping/sharing his private information” etc.

Was I unreasonable? I’m a mum to two SN kids and mums/parents do connect with each other and offer support and advice. I was not being malicious.

Also ex said his mum is now “incandescent with rage” due to something else I told the neighbour. I haven’t spoken to her in 8 months! Unfortunately she will then tell ex and DS how terrible I am.

AIBU?

Oh let them get on with it
you can talk to who you see fit as you need support as well

I think its difficult to strike the right balance between oversharing and talking to people with shared experiences for support, which is obviously needed

I think people seem to think they need to disclose all parts of their lives all the time, its not necessary but you spoke to her in confidence because you had a shared situation

Hopefully the person isnt gossiping but you did the right thing at the time for you and your circumstances.

Its adhd, not something embarrassing like a std! Your ex mother in law is being ridiculous i would cut her off you have no need to have any contact with her now.

How old is your DS?
If a small child then yanbu. If he was older as in preteen/teen then I wouldn't share that kind of personal information with anyone he knew or might meet.

How old is your child? If your child is an actual child then YANBU.

Your MIL sounds batshit.

I suppose it depends whether you see neurodiversity as a Dark Stain upon the Family Honour or not...Obviously to your ex MIL, ADHD is an intensely shameful condition that should never be mentioned 🙄

I have no contact anyway - she hates my guts!

YWNBU

its not your EX MIL's (even if she wasn't EX) 'place' to feel anything about what you discuss with other people that's not about her.

Your son sounds like he's older, so he might be pissed off you told her, but that's something that happens with parents/their kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, I see- she was probably looking for any pretext to be upset with you then. That is, if it's not in fact your ex stirring things.

Who cares, let her be enraged. She has no right to tell you who you can and cannot speak to about your concerns.
Your ex neighbour seems to be a dick too, tell ex to tell MIL to mind her own FKN business.

Don't give it a second thought.
ADHD is part of that makes him him. It's not something to ever be embarrassed about or hide.

I have ADHD myself and youngest is autistic. I’m very open about neurodiversity, oldest is probably autistic too but undiagnosed. I’m very positive and proud of my children and it is a part of who they are. My intention was not to gossip or share sensitive information. It was common ground from one SN parent to another. Unfortunately MIL has now got the neighbours number and the neighbour is unaware of her motives and desire to use any information against me in front of ex and DS.

Ignore MIL, and don't give either her or neighbour any more information ever. If your son's old enough I would maybe consider talking to him about this, as while you are understandably and quite rightly positive and unashamed about this, tweens/teens can be quite different and it's still his private health information. Maybe head MIL off at the pass and ask him how he feels about it, how he would like you to handle questions about it in future, etc.

Yeah that crossed my mind too.

Oh tell them all to fuck off. It’s not a disease or a character flaw, just a different neurotype. TBH I’d fight fire with fire on this - so go back to your ex with wow such a shame that your mum is a bigot and ashamed of our son’s neurodiversity, so sad that she thinks our son should hide or deny a fundamental part of who he is, how are you going to handle this so that our child doesn’t internalise those feelings of shame and inadequacy? How should we support his mental health in the face of this abuse from his grandma? Like just go nuclear. And tell your former neighbour that she should be aware - especially if her child is also now diagnosed - that her new friend has very negative attitudes so might say something nasty.

Go round telling people that "exMIL responds with a strong emotional reaction to ordinary conversations you've had with other people, in life, and that she blurts out her strong reactions on unexpected occasions, but hey, ADHD is hereditary".

Let her be angry

This is not your problem

How old is your son?

I do think your mil is being ridiculous, but at the same time, it’s important to remember that your sons diagnosis is his, and there’s an age when it’s not yours to share.

She's not your problem anymore.

You realise that it it's your ex that told you this story to wind you up. Even if it's true he didn't need to pass it on.

It may not even be true. Similar when STBX comes home and tells the story of what their therapist said!

his mum is now “incandescent with rage”

laugh and ignore her.

You're separated - you don't need to care about anything your ex MIL says or thinks!

He is your son and if you want to confide in a friend or neighbour about it, what business is it of your MIL? I wouldn’t be speaking to her either. Let he say what she wants.

I think you do need to be aware that it’s somebody else’s medical information that they might not want to be freely revealed to others.

Whilst I agree that people need support, especially when parenting children with SEN, I think you need to think carefully about who you divulge information to when it isn’t yours to share.

Separately, your ex-MIL sounds throughly unpleasant and I’d just ignore her.