Aibu or is my husband

[wtfrick]

I snapped at my husband today, it was the last straw for me. He zoned out when watching stuff on YouTube, to, etc and I’m left talking to my self - him ignoring me (even though he doesn’t think he is)

I was talking to him he wasn’t watching tv and he done it again, I spoke and there was nothing back, so I snapped ‘I might as well talk to myself, you just completely ignore me’ he got defensive and said ‘you know I zone out, it’s not my fault, it’s the way my brain works’

we ended up having a disagreement over it. He things I’m being unreasonable Am I?

What's his hearing like generally? If I want to speak to DH I have to touch his arm or say his name loudly before I say anything but he is partially deaf. If I don't I get ignored which is annoying.
Why does he zone out? Has he always done that? Is he autistic (only because DD says her brain works differently and she is autistic)? I guess you'll have to get his attention first but I know it's bloody irritating.
If it's a new thing I think I'd be a bit worried though.

You need to start throwing the word blowjob at random parts of your talk. Their heads flip up and their attention comes back to you amazingly swiftly.

He might be an inattentive ass but the phrasing he uses makes me wonder if he has undiagnosed ADHD.

Well to me it depends he could be ignoring you because he is being mean or he could be sick of you needing constant attention or something in between we are not him and dont know the backstory to this from either side, so I wont go down the usual mn route of just taking an op and assuming it is as they say

Long time married here- DH is utterly wonderful but I do make sure he is looking at me when I am saying something important as he definitely has a tendency to drift off, he can’t seem to do more than one thing at a time and if the TV is on, forget it! TBH its a minor thing is an otherwise happy house. Is this the only annoying thing he does?

He’s being incredibly rude and disrespectful. I bet his ‘brain’ doesn’t do that when work colleagues, clients or his boss talk to him.

Just start doing it back to him. Or ‘forget’ to cook for him/do laundry etc. when he moans just say you forgot because that’s just how your brain works.

Then again I am ever so petty.

So is he listening and zoning out mid sentence? Because that’s really rude.
Or is he not aware you are talking to him because he’s focused on something else? In that case you need to make sure you have his attention before you start speaking.

My DH does this. He and I generally have a great relationship, but he seems to think I owe him the right to my full and total attention any time he wants to talk about something. I could be concentrating on anything (cooking, reading, thinking) and he will just start talking and get frustrated if I don’t reply, or if I say ‘not right now honey’.

Fair enough if he wants to initiate conversation, but he is not owed the right to one, so I truly don’t understand why he gets shitty if I don’t immediately throw my head up to listen intently.

I used to be a trader in banks, we sat at a long desk (2 rows facing each other) with the desk head at the end facing along the lines (like being head of a dining table).

Used to drive him mad that he would shout down to me and I would 'ignore' him. So he arranged for me to go and see a hearing specialist on Harley Street who, presumably, knew what he was doing.

A battery of tests later and he concluded that I have an issue where I sometimes wouldn't pick up on the beginning of a sentence, particularly in noisy environments, and therefore wouldn't hear any of the remainder.

It was only in my right ear, switching to the other side of the desk solved the problem.

So to people like Skibbidirizzohio sho say that he is being deliberately rude, that may not be the case.

I do the same. I don't mean too, I just don't hear my husband talking if my mind is elsewhere.

Ideally, he'd touch me on the arm or similar to make sure he has my attention, then I'm all ears!

If I'm concentrating on something and someone starts talking to me, I won't realise. My DP will often start talking to me while I'm reading or messaging and I will have no idea. The same thing happens in the office. If someone at another desk says "Blanche, blah blah blah", I don't realise they are talking to me. They need to come to my desk. It's not deliberate.

I don't understand this. You say he zoned out while watching stuff on YouTube - so he wasn't actually listening to you.

It sounds like you mean, he was watching YouTube and you started talking to him and he didn't realise because he was focussed on what he was doing. if this is the case, then you need to get his attention and check that it's an ok time to talk before you start.

Or do you mean, you were both having a conversation, and he then stopped listening to you and started looking at YouTube. If this is the case, I'd suggest getting him to put his phone down before you start speaking so he can't physically go back to it.

Yes this really depends on what came first, the conversation or the YouTube watching! If you were both mid-conversation and he picked up his phone, started scrolling through YouTube, and then zoned out on you - abundantly rude. If he was already watching YouTube and you expected him to put it down and focus on you - not rude.

I'm similar to PPs in that I often can't hear someone speaking to me if there's background noise - I have to be watching their lips. Normally if you say my name first I can hear that (and as an aside, the psychology on why that's a thing is fascinating!), so then I know to look at you and listen.

I was thinking the same thing. Zoning out is a classic symptom.

I've lost count of the number of times when the sound of laughter has made me glance up from my book, to find dh and 3 x dc all staring at me and chuckling. Because one of them has been pretty much shouting my name whilst I read on, oblivious.

Agree with a pp - whether it's rude or not depends which came first.

I have ADHD and auditory processing disorder along with it. But I also don't like it when someone demands my full and immediate attention, especially if it's not urgent. And if I'm already focusing on something else, I find it really hard to tear my brain away from it before I'm ready.

Sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed and I just cannot cope with anyone else speaking to me or wanting something from me. I tend to read or watch something on my phone as a way to regulate myself.

Sometimes I find someone so boring that I can't bring myself to even pretend to listen to them anymore, which is more of an arsehole thing though.

Although, strangely enough, I can also do some of my best listening if I'm doing something else. It drives DP up the wall when we sit down to watch a film or a series and I'm playing a game on my phone as he says that I'm clearly not paying attention and there's no point. Although I prove him wrong every time when he tries to question me on what we watched and I have a better grip on it than he does.

Same here. Also wait until he's off his phone before I start talking.

I think it's a huge curse on society tbh as I have the same issue with friends and family when we're out socialising. Drives me mad (although I'm probably also guilty of it at times!)

This is so common it is a long standing joke. Just google "woman talking man not listening" and you will see all the memes and cartoons.

Perhaps he finds that you talk too much drivel and gossip that just doesn't interest him? Or are you talking about housework and giving him jobs to do?

Do you believe he owes you his attention? Just because you are in a relationship, does that mean he has a duty to listen to you?

It would be nice in a loving and respectful relationship if he wanted to listen, but equally you have to be saying something interesting if you want his attention - after all you are competing with social media, which has been designed by the best and brightest minds to hold human attention for as long as possible.

Perhaps set aside 'phone free' time to talk and re-connect, e.g. over meals or on walks together.

You're being a bit of a bitch. People' brains operate in different ways. I'm sure he doesn't mean to do it anymore than I do.
If you're always busy your brain likes to switch off at intervals.
Just make sure you have his full attention and ask him to stop scrolling when you have something meaningful to say. If you're just wittering away yes you may as well talk to yourself.

Im not sure. Im being a hypocrite here but if I was talking to someone about something important and they stopped listening to watch YouTube id think they were rude however, my partner has adhd and I do have to tune him out a bit sometimes as his constant chatter and commentary is really overwhelming for me. I've wondered sometimes if I might have some undiagnosed neurodiversity because I do find it hard.

Unless something is wrong with his hearing - he can hear you and is choosing to ignore you.

Don't we all zone out sometimes. If I'm reading or watching something on my phone and DH just starts taking to me about something random chances are I'm not aware he's taking and so I'm not paying any attention to him.

I am the same as your husband, sometimes I cannot concentrate on someone talking if the TV is on, even if im not interested in it. My brain literally will not swap from the activity it was on. Luckily my dh doesn't get upset and I'll just say, you need to turn the TV off, I wont be able to listen until you do. I apologise and tell him its not that I'm uninterested, I just can't focus and ge just laughs. If you want to talk to him, perhaps tap him on the arm and say, 'do you mind if we switch the TV off for a bit to chat' I bet it will make all the difference

What sort of chats are you having? Is it really boring mundane so easy for him to zone out because it’s dull? Ask him to put his phone down when you speak.