To think being assertive doesn’t always equal being mean?

[geminicancerean]

One of my goals for the last year and a bit has been to be more assertive. It’s taken me a very long time to get to a place where I feel able to say what I feel and advocate for myself. DH doesn’t like it. He has rejection sensitivity dysphoria (he’s neurodiverse and has childhood trauma). I have spent the last twenty years tiptoeing around his RSD but I am beginning to gently challenge him on certain things that I am uncomfortable with. These aren’t huge things, for example one is the way he leaves the toilet after he’s used it. I’ve started asking him to close the bathroom door when he goes as he grunts loudly and we can hear everything from downstairs. I’ve also asked him to clean the bowl if he leaves it in a mess, as the smell permeates the whole house. I showed him how I squirt bleach around the rim and spray and wipe the outer rim and seat. He forgets to do this and so I have to remind him. I just reminded him now and he reacted badly.

When I ask him I use very neutral and non threatening language because anything else would massively trigger his RSD, so today I said ‘I’m so sorry, have you just used the toilet? Could you do something about the smell?’ - I am downstairs, the loo is upstairs, I could smell it from downstairs here so it had to have been pretty bad. He said ‘Yes FINE’ and stomped upstairs clearly very upset to have been asked.

When I say ‘reacted badly’ I don’t mean he is abusive or cruel in any way. I would describe his reaction as that of a teenager who has been asked to do something by their parent, that sigh of irritation and then pantomime stomping off. I could, and should, ignore that. He is 41 years old, not 15.

This is one, rather gross, sorry, example of things I have decided I don’t need to put up with any more. It doesn’t matter how much I explain, understate, sugar coat - What I view as assertion, he seemingly views as aggression. How on earth can I get him to behave like an adult around issues like this? Don't say therapy because he went for years and years and didn’t seem more content with life during or after.

Sorry to say but he thinks it’s your task because you are a woman. Men need to pull their weight. Keep going! Good luck.

Of course YANBU but it's a change on your behaviour from the last umpteen years.

If he thought you were unreasonable he'd say no, the grump is because you are being reasonable and he knows he's in the wrong. He will learn.

I'm not sure that telling him he'd stunk the house out is that gentle, but of course he shouldn't need telling. That's the bit that would be winding me up, not his response.

Sorry, he shits with the door open and leaves the toilet bowl smeared with it? This is very definitely a 'him' problem and not a you problem!
You shouldn't have to say 'oh I am so sorry'
How about- can you please shut the door and leave the toilet clean'.

Unless you have a second toilet you can claim and just leave home to his rancid one

Sadly no second loo. I dream of a second loo!

Sorry, OP, but rejection sensitivity dysphoria my arse.

He's a selfish man child who has spent years having first his mum and now his wife clean up after him and generally baby him.

He doesn't like the fact that you've started to stand up for your right not to be treated like a doormat.

Keep doing it every time and keep ignoring his grumps. And just say thank you and carry on as normal.

Hes trying to give you a reason to stop asking, by making it spiky and unpleasant. Keep going and just ignore.

You know your request is reasonable so just stay with that and let any reaction of his wash over you.

rejection sensitivity dysphoria Is that a thing? Is that another way of saying he's an arsehole?

Yes. I love the way these cavemen can learn cod-Freudian psychobabble when it suits their needs.

My other favourite one on here is blokes who insist that their "love language" is getting multiple blow jobs a night....

Please

I think you should be more assertive ! Tell him to stop acting like a gross pig and to clean his own shit up.

Have you asked him why he views cleaning up his shit as your job?

Is being a disgusting, dirty bastard a symptom of his "condition"?
Seriously op, I can't believe you have put up with this behaviour until now. It's just plain lazy and filthy.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria? 😂 no, he's just a dick.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria? Pull the other one. He's a selfish arse who wants you to clean up after him rather than doing it himself. Stop tiptoeing around him and tell him straight. My DH is neurodiverse and has all sorts of issues from childhood trauma, but he wouldn't act like this, because he's a bloody adult.

I think assertiveness is important and healthy. Your words were quite passive, and even started with an apology. His claim of viewing this as aggressive falls flat.

Raise the conversation again and say aggression and assertion are quite different. Aggression is confrontational language and combative behaviour that is ofter used to disempower others.

You are asserting yourself, to let him know the impact of his bathroom habits. Repeat what you have written here. "The smell, noises and residue are unpleasant. This can be resolved by closing the door, cleaning the toilet and spraying air freshener/opening the window."

When people negatively react to assertiveness it is often because they feel challenged by it or more likely in this case because they are being held to account.

youve done things for years to try and resolve a situation.

whats he done to take onboard criticism? has he even tried?
mif he has fair enough. if he’s not bothered his (stinky) arse to maje any changes then sorey but he’s being a prick.

my fanny would clam shut at the thought of such a selfish ignorant lazy man child being anywhere near me 😜
sorry op.

I mean, a grown man should know not to leave shit stains in the toilet and to clean it after he's used it! I think you must be a saint to have tiptoed around his sensitivity for 20 years - you're a better woman than me!

Have you tried putting a sign on the back and front of the bathroom door OP? Saying something like 'When using the bathroom please 1) CLOSE THE DOOR, 2) CLEAN THE TOILET AFTER YOURSELF, AND 3) SPRAY OR OPEN THE WINDOW, before leaving'. My thought behind this, is that I find wherever there is a sign of any sort, I can't seem to stop myself reading it, very annoying when in a foreign country, lol. I don't know if everyone is like this, but if he sees in on the way in, or he leaves the door open, he will probably still be able to see it, and if he shuts the door, he will see it again, thereby giving him NO excuse for doing the things that annoy you, and would disgust most normal people. Then, if he still fails to do it, you can say, 'there are signs there to remind you to clean up after yourself, so if you think I'm being aggressive it's because, I'm sick of you expecting ME to clean up after you! Good luck OP

He's conditioning you into just doing it for him.

Tell him that him acting like a tantrumming 2yo is severely unattractive and he needs to grow up and be an adult who cleans up after himself.

The example you gave is not rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It’s him being a nasty arsehole when you challenge him or ask him to do anything to condition you to stop challenging him and do everything for him to keep the peace.

Maybe there are other examples of him actually having RSD, but that isn’t one of them.

Thanks for all the replies, you are all right of course, but I guess I was just trying to provide context by mentioning the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which he absolutely does have, and which shows up in many ways in his personal and professional life. I wasn’t using it to excuse his obviously unreasonable behaviour but to go some way to explain its origins. He wasn’t mothered at all really, so saying he picked up bad habits by being spoiled in that way isn’t true, if anything those things were neglected. I am aware of that and sympathetic. He is a good man and knows his faults but isn’t great at addressing them.

But I do have him bang to rights and he knows it and doesn’t like it, you're right. I’ll stick to my guns though, I have done a lot of work on myself and feel confident in my decisions.

Jesus what a shit show. How is it necessary to do 'a lot of work' on yourself to not put up with some filthy bloke stinking and grunting and tantruming? The lives people lead 🙄

I imagine there are shit shows far shittier than mine out there, but by all means roll your eyes at me.

So it's ok for him to stomp around like Kevin the teenager because you dared to ask him to be considerate & clean up after himself, but you are unreasonable in asking a full grown human to do so? Pull him up every time.

RSD is a real thing, but that’s no excuse for leaving the loo in a state. I’d put a checklist on the back of the door so he sees it before he leaves:
wash hands
clean bowl if left a mess
open window to clear the smell