To think being assertive doesn’t always equal being mean?

[geminicancerean]

One of my goals for the last year and a bit has been to be more assertive. It’s taken me a very long time to get to a place where I feel able to say what I feel and advocate for myself. DH doesn’t like it. He has rejection sensitivity dysphoria (he’s neurodiverse and has childhood trauma). I have spent the last twenty years tiptoeing around his RSD but I am beginning to gently challenge him on certain things that I am uncomfortable with. These aren’t huge things, for example one is the way he leaves the toilet after he’s used it. I’ve started asking him to close the bathroom door when he goes as he grunts loudly and we can hear everything from downstairs. I’ve also asked him to clean the bowl if he leaves it in a mess, as the smell permeates the whole house. I showed him how I squirt bleach around the rim and spray and wipe the outer rim and seat. He forgets to do this and so I have to remind him. I just reminded him now and he reacted badly.

When I ask him I use very neutral and non threatening language because anything else would massively trigger his RSD, so today I said ‘I’m so sorry, have you just used the toilet? Could you do something about the smell?’ - I am downstairs, the loo is upstairs, I could smell it from downstairs here so it had to have been pretty bad. He said ‘Yes FINE’ and stomped upstairs clearly very upset to have been asked.

When I say ‘reacted badly’ I don’t mean he is abusive or cruel in any way. I would describe his reaction as that of a teenager who has been asked to do something by their parent, that sigh of irritation and then pantomime stomping off. I could, and should, ignore that. He is 41 years old, not 15.

This is one, rather gross, sorry, example of things I have decided I don’t need to put up with any more. It doesn’t matter how much I explain, understate, sugar coat - What I view as assertion, he seemingly views as aggression. How on earth can I get him to behave like an adult around issues like this? Don't say therapy because he went for years and years and didn’t seem more content with life during or after.

I showed him how I squirt bleach around the rim and spray and wipe the outer rim and seat. He forgets to do this

and you still live with him?
I am not being sarcastic, if he manages not to forget to sit on the loo and wipe his bum (hopefully he does wipe his bum, that's not a question!), he can't forget to close a door and clean after himself.

He's CHOOSING not to close the door and not to clean. He doesn't forget to remove his pants first does he?

RSD is definitely a thing. I am close to someone who has it and it impacts their life massively BUT it has nothing to do with basic hygiene around the home.

What your dh is doing is disgusting.
Why on earth would anyone above the age of about 4 thing shitting with the toilet door open is acceptable ?

It’s hardly the model of assertiveness to just ask a grown arse man to not leave faeces around. Who is he expecting is going to clean it up? You? Nah. Is this rejection sensitivity dysphoria or is it a good old fashioned mixture of laziness and let-the-woman-clean-it-up-misogyny.

Like people who go on fear of flying courses, or conquer your fear of spiders conditioning, you need to expose him to greater levels of ‘rejection’ and gradually reduce his sensitivity to being told to get a grip and live in the real world with the grown ups.

I know its a real thing but this isn’t what’s happening here. This is a man who is barely toilet trained making his long suffering wife feel guilty for not wanting to clear up his shit.

OP you sound like a kind and compassionate person but in this case you need to toughen up. He has treated like a doormat, you have put your foot down, rightly, he is pushing back.

Don fall for it. Keep pushing back.

Not sure why you've quoted me and tried to challenge me, when that is exactly what I said.

I have only said you are being unreasonable because your initial post suggests you think you have done something wrong. You seem not to have done

I don't see how being neuro diverse makes this difficult to deal with- leaving things in a mess is something toddlers do not 41 year old men- I wouldn't tiptoe around so much- he is using being ND as a way of getting you to do all the unpleasant tasks-anyone can learn to be manipulative, and clearly your DH mastered it long ago.