To think that my mother should not tell her boss she is going to rehab for alcohol?

[pontipinemum]

We are in Ireland so don't have the NHS. We have the HSE but you'd never get into a rehab on it, so will be private.

There is an enormous back story. I will try to very briefly summarise, but sorry I am sure I will miss lots.

Basically my mother has had a terrible relationship for over 30 years now. My father left when I was a baby, she gave me to her parents, lived with a man in London. Had a well paid professional job. Move me in with them aged 12. I saw the crazy extent of the drinking. Moved back to GPs at 16. She followed a year later - bringing the bottle.

She has never taken any responsibility what so ever for anything in her life. Nothing is ever her fault. She has had 2 life changing health impacts caused directly by excessive alcohol. But she was still in denial.

That is until very recently. I had to put in new boundaries 2 months ago. That ramped her drinking up. She spent Christmas in hospital, where she has admitted she thinks she has an issue with alcohol. Came out and went back drinking within 2 days. We are trying to find a rehab. I really thought we had one but were told that her existing health issues along with the current blood results meant they couldn't facilitate her. But they will review again in 3 weeks.

She told her me that she wants to tell her boss the truth today. That her boss is a nice person and deserves the truth. I know she can't get fired for going to rehab but I think it is an absolutely terrible idea!! I think she needs to call in sick. Going by how much she drank over the weekend and possibly this morning, she won't be going to work. Then when she gets into rehab just sent a sick cert from the GP. She can explain it all to the companies doctor too who can advise HR that she has meet what ever criteria they have.

AIBU to think she needs to limit what she tells her boss?

I am an alcoholic in recovery and have been sober for many years. In the beginning, I found honesty was the best policy, particularly with colleagues and managers. The support I got was such a good help, plus it made me accountable. No-one will try and force alcohol on me on a night out, everyone knows why I don't drink, and quite a few people have asked me, privately, for advice with regard to their own drinking. I hope your mum gets into rehab sooner rather than later, and rediscovers her life without alcohol.

Yes - it’s part of taking responsibility - and she has to start taking responsibility if she has any hope of recovery. So many lies accompany problems with alcohol - being honest at work is a good start.

If she experiences negative consequences then learning to deal with that is part of recovery too.

It might be worth you looking at what is available for you. In the U.K. we have Al Anon and SMART recovery family and friends - which can help navigate the tricky position of supporting a Person who has a problem with alcohol.

Do you have an equivalent to ACAS in Ireland who can advise on employment rights and alcoholism?

I disagree. Her boss needs to know as they can then be prepared or help.

My DM was the same but lost her battle with alcohol - never really admitting the true extent of her issues

Your mum needs to do this herself her way. My own view is that she should tell her work the truth so that they can offer any support/ leeway etc while she gets through this bit and begins her new sober life. I also think (kindly) that you should back off a bit. Support her, don't police her.

@TorroFerney unfortunately no dopamine hit, it is the feeling of dread and fear.

@Vound there is something on sick notes in Ireland as well but it can be vague enough. Her company would get her to see the company doctor after a set amount of time - they did the last time anyway.

@Gribouille I have done Al anon, SMART, and an 'Adult Children's' meeting. All were helpful in their own ways. I have also been doing counselling for over a year now. Which has been by far the most helpful part. This will sound stupid but I genuinely did not know that Helen was not my responsibility. Which probably sounds insane to others but I have pretty much always had to be the one looking out for her.

It was my job to regulate her drinking and my fault if she drank too much. She would tell me if I had not been born she would have had her 'real life'. That I needed to stop her eating rubbish. My step dad was a very damaged man. He manipulated and controlled both of us. I had to be the balance. I was the 'go between'. I then had to protect her reputation from my friends parents.

Over the last year or so I have been trying to put in boundaries but she 'plays' some sort of hapless victim until I feel guilty enough to just sort it out. Be it her phone, electricity, her fitness - god her fitness!!, trying to buy a house. Idiot over here saved half a deposit for her and did all the leg work to help her buy.

No, how does her telling her employer the real reason for her absence affect you. I wasn’t asking how her general condition and presentation affects you, specifically her telling her boss?

This will sound stupid but I genuinely did not know that Helen was not my responsibility. Which probably sounds insane to others but I have pretty much always had to be the one looking out for her.

No, of course you didn't, darling! As children, we believe what our adults tell us... it's actually an instinct to protect us - we need to obey our 'carers' - not to do so risks rejection or worse. But please don't beat up on yourself for trying to be so helpful - you did what you could to survive, as the person you were at the time. You did as best you knew how then.

Anyone seeing that situation from outside can see it was abusive, what you went through... I'm glad the therapy is helping. This difficult situation is one of the life lessons you have to go through to grow. You need to take care of yourself as the adults in your life didn't.

🤗