To think that my mother should not tell her boss she is going to rehab for alcohol?

[pontipinemum]

We are in Ireland so don't have the NHS. We have the HSE but you'd never get into a rehab on it, so will be private.

There is an enormous back story. I will try to very briefly summarise, but sorry I am sure I will miss lots.

Basically my mother has had a terrible relationship for over 30 years now. My father left when I was a baby, she gave me to her parents, lived with a man in London. Had a well paid professional job. Move me in with them aged 12. I saw the crazy extent of the drinking. Moved back to GPs at 16. She followed a year later - bringing the bottle.

She has never taken any responsibility what so ever for anything in her life. Nothing is ever her fault. She has had 2 life changing health impacts caused directly by excessive alcohol. But she was still in denial.

That is until very recently. I had to put in new boundaries 2 months ago. That ramped her drinking up. She spent Christmas in hospital, where she has admitted she thinks she has an issue with alcohol. Came out and went back drinking within 2 days. We are trying to find a rehab. I really thought we had one but were told that her existing health issues along with the current blood results meant they couldn't facilitate her. But they will review again in 3 weeks.

She told her me that she wants to tell her boss the truth today. That her boss is a nice person and deserves the truth. I know she can't get fired for going to rehab but I think it is an absolutely terrible idea!! I think she needs to call in sick. Going by how much she drank over the weekend and possibly this morning, she won't be going to work. Then when she gets into rehab just sent a sick cert from the GP. She can explain it all to the companies doctor too who can advise HR that she has meet what ever criteria they have.

AIBU to think she needs to limit what she tells her boss?

Surely her boss must know she’s an alcoholic? She’s going to need support post rehab, so yes I would tell him.

Isn't part of giving up alcohol being honest about your issues??

It's hard to know if she knows. Lets call my mother Helen. Helen works from home a lot. Both her illness that were caused by alcohol have got her a lot of sympathy and attention the last few years. So they probably think it is that. People that work with her genuienly seem to think 'oh isn't Helen great all she does even with her poor health'

No i think being honest about it is the way to go. She needs ti face her demons and she can't do that if she's lying about them.

You have said she's never taken accountability for anything but now that she is going to hold herself accountable and be honest that she needs help and needs to go to rehab you are suggesting she goes about it in a cowardly way.

She's an adult let her make her own decisions

how does it affect you? I would hate for someone to comment on how I should handle a work situation. Do you work with her? Know the team?

Yes being honest is important. But I think especially at the start of sobriety a person should be mindful of who they tell.

I know HR or her boss should not speak about her outside of a private meeting. But from the things she has told me about other colleagues that she has heard in the gossip mill, everyone in the company would know before she got back.

That is a lot of pressure to 'be on form'. Then also there will be people that will judge her on it. Potentially impacting her job. People have prejudices

Do GP sick notes not include a reason? Surely at some point she has to explain what's going on? You can't just say "sick" and be out for a month without explaining what's going on?

It’s your mums decision - not yours .

I am not sure what the situation is in ROI but in the UK while substance addiction is not classed as a disability under the Equality Act, health issues or disabilities that may be caused by the addiction are, so it is good to be honest with your employer.

depend I know the civil service has a support system for such things and you would have got to the health office about this if signed off for more then and a week. you also need certs and they will say whats wrong in general terms. I know people who have had depression used against them and people who have had great support for drugs and alcohol abuse at work all depends. but usually people know who a drinker as and will be helpful. its not looked down on like drug use

Well, she asked what I thought. No I don't work with her. I know one or two people she works with - not in depth just because it is a very small town.

But you're right and thank you for asking 'how does it affect you?' The answer is that it affects me deeply because I have spent pretty much my entire life feeling responsible for her. I was conditioned to be like that. That is why I went and put that boundary into place - the one that sent vastly escalated her drinking. I am trying to break that chain.

Logically it should be an easy thing to do but it is incredibly difficult.

also chuinn mhuire and the HSE have great addiction services you just need to know the right person too contact

@Liissey0710 we have spoken to all the Cuan Mhuire's they all have 6-12 week waiting lists. I also do not think they will be equipped for her physical medical needs.

Any idea who to contact in the HSE?

you are treating her like a child, and I fully understand why because she is the child and you are the parent but it’s no good! Let her make her own mistakes, you are getting a dopamine hit from being right and her being wrong, your normal is being better than her, you don’t have to solve all her problems. Use the energy to work out why you do that (which you know) and how to catch yourself doing it and stop.

How long will she be in rehab? (I assume this will be an inpatient facility?)

Will she even make it there in the first place? What will change with her health conditions / blood results in 3 weeks?

Bless you. This must be tough. Logically, I think you know none of this is your fault or responsibility. But it's hard to escape the feeling of it. Hard as it is: deep breath, let her fo whatever she chooses and navigate whatever comes next her own way. Hopefully this is a turning point for her, but she has to find her own way through it.

recovery college south east and better together have great key workers

If she doesn’t tell him it will be far worse when it comes out

The sick note will have something on it and (in the UK anyway) a declaration of alcoholism can genuinely give the person more protection in the workplace as PP mentioned above.

I would suggest she read her work T&C's carefully for any reasons why she should or shouldn't declare. I know real life doesn't always line up with written policies but it would be wrong to think it's always terrible idea.

Bless you, you've had the weight of your DM around your neck all your life... and as a child, when it was absolutely not fair to you... 🤗

Setting the boundary you did was absolutely the right thing to do - yes, it pushed her to crisis, to rock bottom, but that is what she needed to see the truth. And this is what's happening now. She's going to see what happens in life without you protecting her and mopping up after her. You have to let it happen.

Letting her make her own decisions and see the consequences as an adult is the best thing for her, and for you. I know it'll be painful, and if you can find some support for yourself, I'd advise that. Have you looked into Al-anon? LOTS of people in your boat!

All the best to you. 🙂

I think she should be honest with her boss. Her boss is more likely to support her and fight her corner if he hears it from her rather than being led to believe it’s something else and then finding out the truth later.

I don’t know about Ireland but in the UK alcoholism can be a reason for companies to manage people out on health grounds so I’d say keeping the boss onside and showing honesty and insight is the best way forward.

absolutely this. You have had to watch out for a from being a child when shouldn't have had to but I think you perhaps need to take a step back now and let her make her decisions. I definitely feel you need to get your own support if you haven't already.

All love to you, OP. It sounds so tough.

I think I agree with you that all she needs to do at the moment is provide a sick cert, and that the GP would likely only need to give minimal information, perhaps just stating 'mental health issues'.

I do also understand your mother's wish to be honest. I think that as part of longer-term recovery, being honest with the people you have harmed can be part of the work of getting better. But it feels like that is for the future when (hopefully) things are less chaotic and she can give her employer confidence that she is committed to the recovery.

EDIT: Looking back at the most recent earlier posts I can see lots of good arguments for going the other way, though. I guess it partly depends on what her boss is like, and how committed he/she will be to constructive support. And, of course, ultimately it is your mother's decision, so try not to stress too much about it. Take care of yourself.

I think it is her decision ultimately but it is reasonable for you to seek opinions and want to support your mother if you can.

My opinion is that your mother's boss will find out sooner instead of later and it will be much better coming from her now.

I hope your mother can stop drinking, recognising it is one day at a time.