DH overreacting or am I really uncaring?

[TheFancyLion]

Teen DS first day back at school, due to snow has his friend coming to the house at 7.30am so they can walk together, friend arrives and DS isnt quite ready (just few minutes).
Our dog starts going crazy because of the knock on the door, DH starts shouting and has a go at DS for not being ready in time because its disturbed him sitting down to have his breakfast.
I try to diffuse the shouting by telling DH that DS hasent done too bad because he was almost ready (which is very unusual for him) and DH accuses me of "not giving a s*it about his feelings".

Ive apologised and explained that I dont like to see him stressed out and that I felt like it was an overreaction to the situation and could have been a conversation rather than a load of shouting. (DS is a bit lazy at times and timekeeping is something of a challenge in our family but i dont believe shouting is the answer).
But now im wondering if AIBU to have called him out about it or whether i should have been on his side about it more?

Side note, this scenario happens occasionally, where DH will get super stressed and shouty about what I believe to be a minor event with DS, I'll try to diffuse the situation, and DH accuses me of not caring about his feelings.

How come he gets to shout and rant at people, but anyone speaking to him isn’t caring about his feelings?

Please train the dog not to bark - 'going crazy' due to a knock on the door is really not nice for anyone. The rest of it sounds like back to school and back to work-itis, everyone on edge. If you can train the dog not to bark then the adults (DH) should be able to learn not to shout and cause even more disruption.

Many kids won’t even get out of the door to school. He should be glad he’s up and and trying to get to school and encouraging him. He’s being an idiot

The problem here is not your son but the dog. Why haven’t you trained it not to go mental any time the door is knocked?
You husband shouldn’t have reacted by blaming your son. You both KNEW the other boy was coming at this time. This could have been anticipated and the dog shut away/outside if you already knew it would react this way. Which you must do because this must be a regular thing any time someone knocks the door.
Train the bloody dog and tell your husband to stop being so butt hurt about his feelings

DH is a man baby and has totally overreacted. He need peace to eat his breakfast? Is he served by a litany of footmen??? How bizarre

Your husband sounds like an angry arsehole.

Your DH man child is the one out of order here.

Tbh I wouldn't bother with any of this 'therapy' talk. He sounds like an idiot so it would go over this head and it sounds a bit patronising mummy is talking.
I would be annoyed if someone spoke to me as if I was a child, because for a start I'm an adult and I behave like one.

Is DS his stepson?

Dogs are supposed to bark when someone knocks on the door aren't they? Our dogs always did though they weren't barky the rest of the time. Your husband shouldn't own a dog if its normal behaviour/noise affects him. does no one ever come to the door at other times? Peace to enjoy his breakfast, what's his name, Camille?

The shouting is ridiculous. He shouted because he was stressed about noise, thereby stressing the rest of the household with even more noise. Doesn't he see how ridiculous that is? My husband occasionally does similar and gets pretty short shrift from me. We all have feelings and his aren't more special than the rest of us.

Yet another family tiptoeing around a cunt of a man. As I suspected this is much more than one grumpy morning. Get him gone

This is the perfect response and summarises the situation. You are not minimising your DH feelings, however by shouting he is disrupting the entire household.

I'd just go with "get over yourself" or "grow the fuck up other people live here too".

Absolutely ridiculous reaction from your husband IMO. You have a dog so it’s not surprising to occasionally have to hear a dog barking. It just creates a really unpleasant start to the day for your son. I would have probably just responded with something like other people live here too and maybe he should think about other peoples feelings before shouting about a minor inconvenience.

So your husband shouted at your son because -

• He was a couple of minutes late
• So his friend knocked on the door
• Which caused your dog to go crazy
• Which disturbed his breakfast

That's mad. He could train your dog not to go crazy. He could have ignored the barking. He could have chosen to express his displeasure at a chain of events in a mature adult way rather than yelling, which was not going to achieve anything at that point (I'm not sure it will calm a barking dog).

You can sympathise with his feelings (though I think blaming your son here is harsh, it sounds like any knocking on your door will set your dog off) but that doesn't mean you need to sympathise with or condone his behaviour or agree with how he expressed those feelings - yelling at your son in this instance wasn't fair and wasn't productive and was very OTT.

Well I feel sorry for DS. Going back to school getting shouted at for nothing, probably distracted him from final getting ready and first week back at school off to a crap start thanks to dad shouting, and a mum who also shouts when it's 'called for' again citing rudeness as a reason when it's called for and not seeing the irony in the poor communication or rudeness from children exposed to this.

And if he thinks that your behaviour means that you don't care about his feelings...what does he think his shouty rages will be showing his son, about what he thinks about his sons feelings? Where is his consideration for his sons feelings in these interactions?

What's he doing to support his son in improving his timekeeping?

Me too. What a shit start to the day. His dad needs to start caring about other people's feelings before demanding people show him more consideration

Your DH is in the wrong. Not nice for your DS to go off to school having been shouted at for no reason. Your DH saying it disturbs his breakfast. I'm wondering how often you sit down to an undisturbed breakfast... never I suspect.

He is being a big selfish grump!

Disturbing his breakfast?
Your poor son.
Going back to school is hard enough without your shouty father having another go at you.
I certainly wouldn't be apologising.
I would be giving serious thoughts to how your son feels growing up with a precious father like that.
Do not doubt yourself OP.

Was your son supposed to be ready & waiting outside then or looking out of a window so that his friend wouldn't have to knock on the door?

Your husband was very wrong to shout.

But I also feel that your "but he was almost ready" is an odd thing to say about a teen.

He should have been ready as it was rude not to be.

Exactly this!

Did he not care about DS’s feelings when he was shouting?

Did he not care about ruining your breakfast?

I would ask him exactly this - how was shouting and getting annoyed caring about other peoples feelings and why only his feelings matter.

Poor DS.
What’s even more frustrating is that DS is going to grow up thinking this is a normal way to behave and the cycle continues.

I detest any parent shouting at their child before school. It literally is the worst thing for any kid to start the day. I would never tolerate my child’s father acting like that towards my child and especially in front of his friend. That is wildly inappropriate and embarrassing for your child.

Why are you more worried about your OH and this claim about not caring about his feelings than you are about how horrible it was for your son to be yelled at before school for basically no reason? Because he’s putting you in that position by making it all about how you don’t care about his feelings to deflect from the fact he felt entirely entitled to scream and yell at your son - his son also or step son? - and give no shits about his feelings.

He’s a bully.

@redskydelight

Absolutely. And no, you are not "daft".
As teenagers, we were able to exert enough discipline to be ready on time.