I have not posted before but have benefited form mumsnetters perspectives for a long time so am hoping fellow folks who have been there and done that can help me see clearly because I am in the woods right now. So been married to DH for 18 years, we have 3 DCs. He has anger issues and has been shouty at us all when he gets angry. Over the years, I responded by retreating and not answering back because any response even if it is to try to explain would make him 110% worse. When he shouts he really loses it. He used to break toys but I told him this was no good and he stopped years back. However, the shouting behaviour remains and I have told him and tried to explain there are better ways to respond. After the shouting outbursts he tends to be withdrawn for while, sometimes lasting days. I suggested therapy to which he responded he was not mad. In between, these moments, he is very hands on. He is very good at DIY, maintains the house, cooks, cleans and has been very present for the kids. He will take them to the park if needed etc. He goes to work so is not a lazy slob. The shouting behaviour has really got into all of the children, they tell me they dont like him- DCs are aged 14, 12 and 9. They have all said they want us to separate. His relationship with eldest is particularly bad as she is the one who has reported him to school and social services. He has responded to this by further alienating her and playing favorites with the 2 youngest but they come to me and say they dont like he is playing favorites. Eldest Dc is well behaved generally and has been very focused on school. When he shouts it is for things like tidying up her bedroom Eldest Dc has mental issues now and has gone from being committed to school to just crumbling. She used to refuse to miss a day of school, now I have to drag her, she is just withdrawn and is affected by dad's behaviour. Her mock exam results were shocking even to the teachers, they know she is not right mentally. She has written to school to say she has suicidal thoughts. I am of course very supportive of her and have arranged therapy for her which she is taking positively and she says she depends on to function. The situation has created 2 camps in the home, and I can sense my DH is not of course happy with how I get on with her and everyone else.
He feels he is very much a victim, this is what he told Social Services. Social services advised they will downgrade the situation to family support who are yet to start. He was thrilled by the response from SS and came back home to shout even more celebrating he had been let off and his DD was wrong and he is very right and he will keep on asserting his role as the father so she better brace herself.
The festive season was horrible as he was withdrawn whilst i was playing with the kids. Anyway I gathered the strenthg to tell him that I think we better separate, I also said i wanted the kids to know. Anyway, it has been a few days now since but I have been eating my heart out, am I right?The guilt I feel is immense. All DCs are happy and looking forward to a life with just me. I have double checked with them and they are very much sure this is what they want. It is me who is going through emotional turmoil.
We are in the same house due to finances and so far things are going as normal, he is very good at cooking, so meals together, there is no animosity as yet, we just talk as usual and watch TV together etc.
Can someone please help me untangle this. Part of me thinks I am letting a good man go but then I listen to my DCs and watch my daughter. I thought I would look forward to independent life but am having doubts. I am not worried about finances as I feel can manage. For reference we are both in our late 40s and am thinking I will age alone. It just tears me to break us apart, I feel I am being unfair, he has changed their nappies, he has woken up in the middle of the night when they were younger so he has put in all the effort as a dad although with fault as already explained.
So far he has said he will change and he wants to apologise to DD and the others. I told DCs that dad will apologise and they said OK but they still wouldnt want to live with him!
Mumsnetters please help me decipher this, why do I feel conflicted. please be kind, it has been a difficult time.