Weird comment from DF about DC

[TicklishSheep]

I am a FTM to a lovely one year old. I’m going back to work soon and my parents have very kindly offered to provide a day of childcare. I think they’re genuinely really looking forward to it and completely dote on DC.

The other day though my DF asked whether my DC had ever ‘had a smack’. For context DC was being lovely and was just playing with some blocks. No idea what prompted him to ask that. DC has no behavioural issues (not that that would be a reason to hit them obviously).

I said something along the lines that no of course not and anyone who ever hit my child would find themselves buried in my garden. I find the thought of anyone hitting a one year old (let alone my one year old) absolutely abhorrent. It was just left at that.

But it’s now made me feel really uneasy about them providing childcare moving forward. I don’t think they would ever hit my DC but I just feel uneasy and anxious and a bit upset about it to be honest. Even a bit weirded out.

No history of abuse for me but I grew up in the 80s/90s when smacking was common.

I think I made my views clear at the time but I don’t know whether I should send a follow up text or have a conversation just to make it very clear that no one is to EVER hit my child. Or do I just leave it for now. Or do I make different arrangements for childcare (this would really upset DPs). Just don’t really know what to do or if I’m overthinking this.

Talk to your mum, explaining what he said and how it makes you feel.

I think have a follow up conversation. Calmly explain that while your father grew up in an era where it was common, and parented in an era when it wasn't completely unheard of, now multiple studies have shown how bad it is for the child, and it is now unacceptable. Perhaps discuss how to "discipline" your child in a way you support.

Did you not ask him ask at the time he made this comment why he wanted to know?
I take it you live somewhere where smacking children is still normal amongst some people? - here in Scotland it is illegal.
You certainly need to know what both your parents views are on this issue.

Speak with him again to reiterate that he not to EVER hit your child, under any circumstances.

How did your dad react when you said 'something along the lines that no of course not and anyone who ever hit my child would find themselves buried in my garden'?

It's definitely something you should clarify to get reassurance that they would never ever smack or physically discipline your child. It's also very odd to mention smacking in relation to a one-year old child. Surely your parents didn't smack you at such a young age even in the 1980s when smacking children was common?

It does sound like he was wondering whether that's what he should do when providing childcare as it's what he did as a dad. It's good you made your feelings very clear on it. You could tell your parents what people do now instead before they care for your dc.

I got the odd smack from my parents growing up in the 80s.
My parents would NEVER smack my children. I dont know why I know but I know this. They would not feel that this would be "within their rights" as a grandparent.
Is it possible your Dad just asked this question? As in maybe you occasionally were smacked? But I dont think you have to assume he is planning to smack your child in the future.
As a previous poster said... I'd have a non confrontational chat with your mum. Just saying how puzzled you were by this question and that it has made you feel a bit odd and anxious.

My parents also smacked as was very common in the 80/90s. No big deal but they never ever smacked their grand children. It just didn't translate.

I wouldnt worry about it.

Tbf discussion about smacking kids we discuss every now and then as debates in our family. But i know for certain although I was smacked growing up, my mom would never smack my kids never. I think my Grandad did when I was younger but again, it was normal. Nowadays, times have changes and if the dote on him, they almost certainly wouldnt smack him, probably even will let him get away with more! Some people just ask out of curiosity.

I don't entirely understand your comment here but looking on children as " brats" is a pretty repulsive attitude in itself.

How anyone could ever think hitting a one year old child could do anything other than harm is beyond me.

Smacking children is assault.

that's unhinged. Why would you smack a child that doesn't have the capability to misbehave? I would not be leaving a child with them. Distract, remove and mimic are appropriate.

If you have even the smallest doubt over whether he would smack your child, then you need to raise it. How did he respond when you said anyone who did would wind up "buried in the garden"?

What? In what country do you think it's normal to smack a one year old?

I grew up in the 50s and 60s, no smacking in my parents house ever!

Don't feed the troll

I grew up in the 60s and 70s and don't remember ever being smacked.so obv not "Normal" then.i think it was a throwaway comment if your childhood was non abusive. Talk to your Mum maybe

He probably does not realise his comment has upset you. Lay down clear ground rules before you start child care. Even as your dad what he meant, opens the discussion and just tell him, you won't allow anyone including grandparents to smack your children. Gets it clear from the start.

Of course it's not " normal" to smack a one year old.
Imo it's not normal to smack any child.

But I know that in some countries - isn't England one of them? - there is not a blanket ban on hitting children and the law still allows it.

Whatever you don- have a conversation. Don’t do this by text message.

it is not "normal" but it's not illegal in England, under the pretext that parents can use "reasonable punishment"

Tell him it would be child abuse.

And smacking a baby is not even close to "reasonable" punishment.

I don’t think you helped by saying you would retaliate by ‘burying someone in the garden’ which is hardly a pacifist stance and could arguably be contradictory.

I would set out on paper a few guidance notes before they babysit - rough routine, likes and dislikes, food preferences, favourite toys, what he likes for comfort and add something in there about no smacking and his you would like them to deal with him instead.