Weird comment from DF about DC

[TicklishSheep]

I am a FTM to a lovely one year old. I’m going back to work soon and my parents have very kindly offered to provide a day of childcare. I think they’re genuinely really looking forward to it and completely dote on DC.

The other day though my DF asked whether my DC had ever ‘had a smack’. For context DC was being lovely and was just playing with some blocks. No idea what prompted him to ask that. DC has no behavioural issues (not that that would be a reason to hit them obviously).

I said something along the lines that no of course not and anyone who ever hit my child would find themselves buried in my garden. I find the thought of anyone hitting a one year old (let alone my one year old) absolutely abhorrent. It was just left at that.

But it’s now made me feel really uneasy about them providing childcare moving forward. I don’t think they would ever hit my DC but I just feel uneasy and anxious and a bit upset about it to be honest. Even a bit weirded out.

No history of abuse for me but I grew up in the 80s/90s when smacking was common.

I think I made my views clear at the time but I don’t know whether I should send a follow up text or have a conversation just to make it very clear that no one is to EVER hit my child. Or do I just leave it for now. Or do I make different arrangements for childcare (this would really upset DPs). Just don’t really know what to do or if I’m overthinking this.

I really should have been clearer, I'm horrified that "reasonable chastisement" is even on our statute books

But it would be illegal in England for a grandparent, and illegal in other parts of the UK for parents too. Definitely say something OP.

Could it be he observed your child content and well behaved and wondered how you had achieved it. Maybe reflecting on his own history. Maybe he was abused or at least smacked? Just speculating you know your family best.

Did he think your son was misbehaving at the time?

This is what I think, especially when you say you weren't hit yourself. To pp who says they weren't either, and nor was I, that doesn't mean it wasn't normal. It was and the average child was smacked from time to time or more.

It seems to me that he was getting your views on physical discipline. You've told him how you feel about it so I wouldn't worry about it.

I smacked my children but don't smack my grandchildren, simply because grandchildren can do no wrong even when they're being brats.

I was really taken aback so probably didn’t react the way I ideally should have. I was just shocked and found it a really awful thing to even think about smacking a one year old. So I reacted quite strongly when perhaps it would have been better to ask why he would ask that and explain why hitting a child is always wrong (in my view). It was just very random because DC was playing quietly.

I will talk with my DM about it and confirm that everyone understands no one is to ever hit my DC and go from there. I just feel so weird about it and unsettled so don’t want to leave it.

I think yabu simply because when you bury someone- put them in their own garden, not yours!!
Jokes aside -talk to your mum. Explain how you feel.

I had my dd1 in the late 80s. My MIL did a day per week childcare but wanted more. Everyone thought she was lovely but she really was not. Her and Fil very critical of me but doted on dd.

No problems until one day she said dd was naughty and "had" to smack her like it was perfectly normal. I was so astonished I picked dd up and walked out of the house. I arranged nursery care and a day with my dm. She went mad and went to collect her from nursery. She said their standards were poor. Staff called out her attitude immediately.

I only tell you this because I never considered for a moment this was an issue. For this reason you need to talk to your mum. It sounds like he is sounding you out.

I do childcare for dd2. One of my gcs can be challenging. Whilst she will be told by me, discipline is for my dd and her dh.

Talk to your parents together about the comment and your stand.

Discuss with them what they might think of as problem behaviour and how you would manage that.

They might be feeling unsure how to handle any behaviour specifically or just generally out of the ordinary.

Yes, plus as a GP I’m far more chilled, don’t have the role of maintaining discipline, find “naughtiness” cute and endearing, and view DGC to be on a short term loan for which I’m very grateful.
It’s a different vibe when you’re a generation removed.

Actually it wouldn’t be illegal for grandparents in England.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/the-law-on-smacking-children/#elementor-toc__heading-anchor-1

Without permission?

Another description of a conversation that the poster didn’t follow through with. Had you just asked him why he’d asked the question you would have known the answers to your questions.

Based on the conversation, you can’t leave your child with him because just raising the question suggests he thinks hitting child is an option.

With permission.

@Lurkingandlearning “You can’t leave your child with him.”
Where’s DGM? Won’t she be in the picture, influencing him, displaying the tactics she used, e.g. distraction rather than disapproval?
DGC make DGPs’ worlds go round. Well they do for us and lots of our friends display and confirm this.
Discussion and reassurance are needed by OP.