To be annoyed when FIL lets himself into our house with his key?

[MyEdgyOliveTraybake]

FIL is very nice and helps out a lot with the kids. he comes by to drop off stuff or pick up clothes for the kids often.

However, he has a key to our house and keeps letting himself in. (I’m a man btw so it’s not some weird inappropriate thing).

He might chap the door and then burst in. I find it quite intrusive. I work from home and he says he’s trying not to disturb me when on calls (although he has always done this and does it even when I’m not working).

I’ve tried to hint a few times, “oh, did I leave the door open?” but he still does it.

It’s harmless enough but it’s really annoying. If the door is bolted, he’s up impatiently looking through the window.

I don’t understand the urgency.

A sit down conversation seems an obvious solution.

However, in practice, it’d be awkward as hell.

I suppose I’ve dropped the odd hint to avoid confrontation. I’ve chosen an easier path and I’m not assertive enough.

So, now’s your chance to make a decision. Which option are you going to choose?

You need to bolt the door, I think. If he has to wait a few minutes every time he will get the hint.or he will raise it and you can tell him why.

Instead of just dropping hints just get your other half to say "I know you have your own key Dad, but I'd appreciate it if you rang unless you know we are away / out because we find it really intrusive. We really appreciate your help but it means we feel we don't have the full privacy of our own home. We'd be really grateful if you could respect that"

Be grown ups and actually talk to him about it rather than fanny about around the subject.

I think WFH is exacerbating the problem. My FIL used to have a key & they looked after children & helped with walking the dog. So we found it more of a help than a hindrance. Could you try to say he can’t pop in during working hours? I think you do risk upsetting him & potentially him not wanting to help out if you come down too hard on him. Are you prepared to lose what help you have? Not only does it save you money but it’s nicer for children to go to grandparents than after school club.

I also think you could possibly stop him getting in by putting key in your side & then pretend you haven’t heard him knock 🙃

. If the door is bolted, he’s up impatiently looking through the window.

Surely he'll then ring the doorbell though?

I would keep doing this.

You are making a massive deal of this. Put up or shut up

My df does this too. It used to drive exdh up the wall. We'd come home and he'd have done odd jobs that we didn't want doing. Hang pictures on walls, that we didn't want hanging etc. We had to confiscate the key in the end. when we divorced df copied himself a new key when he was with dc, and it started again. It doesn't seem to matter how many times we tell him not to just let himself in he still frustratingly does it.

Gosh no what if you were naked or in the middle of an intimate or private matter? That’s really presumptuous of him and he needs to be politely told not to burst in unannounced

I would arrange to be stark bollock naked - (en route to have a shower as you’ve been doing DIY/gardening etc)) - when he lets himself in one day - you can feign shock with “oh, wasn’t expecting anyone to walk through the door!!”

Would that shock him into ringing the doorbell next time? 😂

Failing that, I’d bolt the door every single time. Can you invest in blinds so he can’t peer through the window at you?

It’s just a process of training him 😂. I understand it’s an awkward conversation to have, especially as he helps you so much, so making him knock each time is a subtler way of asking him to respect your privacy.

Haha - I cross-posted with you 😂😂

Tactical nudity is the solution I reckon 😂

Haha. I’ll see how much it annoys me.

If nothing else, TacticalNudity would be a good username or pub quiz team name.

Smart lock, give him the code on the days he's picking up the kids, change it after he drops them off.

OP I have had the exact same thing with my lovely in laws. MIL was helping decorate our house (bless her) while I was pregnant. I'd been uncomfortable about the walking in with the key but didn't feel like I could say anything to DH. He then found her pottering about downstairs while we'd both had a lie in - I had a day off and didn't know they'd arranged for her to come over that day. Finally spoke to DH about it, apparently him asking me when we moved in if I minded them "having a key" meant to him that I was fine with them using it every time they came round.

I suggested not to hurt feelings especially with all the help we were given that DH just met them at the door every time they came over. I would like to put a bolt or chain on for added security which we've not got round to, but so far it's worked just to gently reset the expectation.

Is there any reason why you can’t put a chain on the door or an inside bolt?

OP seems to be enjoying making a massive deal out of this. A key in the door, a chain or a bolt are all easy solutions

Well a nanny wouldn’t knock when bringing the kids home. That’s different than not knocking usually.

“Enjoying making a massive deal”??? you’ve commented on this thread nearly as much as I have. 😂

We have kids who would escape if we leave a key in the back of the door, so we make a point of not doing this even when they’re not at home.

We recently had a bolt fitted on the door for the kids’ safety but it still allows the door to partially open.

It’s just a PITA that he bursts in.

Thanks everyone for your comments!

People are always huffy about this sort of thing on MN, especially when it comes to in laws but if his visits are to help you out and related to childcare what’s the problem?

We gave my DF a key and he never overstepped - it was a privilege to be able to include him into our household and he also helped massively with childcare and school runs. It was always lovely to see him and see the children excitedly run to him when he came round.

Why do people always want to keep grandparents at arms length but use them when it suits them? Just be hospitable and grateful.

I have key to my SIL house. But only use it when he/they are NOT home! It’s hardly rocket science is it. It’s just a matter of respect and good manners.

This.
Of course YABU.
take it back 🤷‍♀️

Obviously an insurmountable issue then 🤷‍♀️

@MyEdgyOliveTraybake You just need to decide which is more "difficult" for you - having him let himself in with the key you have given him, when he is coming round to help you out
or
Asking him directly if he will only use it when he needs to come in the house when you aren't there, as it is unsettling suddenly finding anyone else in the house when you don't know they are there.

Only you will know which is 'more awkward' for you.
Most of us would just have pointed it out the first time and asked them not to just walk into your house unannounced.

My DM used to do this, it used to wind DH up so much!

2 things worked for us; I spoke to DM and said "We love you popping round (partially true), but I'm a bit worried you'll let yourself in one day and find DH emerging naked from the bathroom, so if you could shoot us a quick text 5 minutes before, and (crucially) wait for a response, that would be great!"

Secondly, I have her on Life360, and set it up so that I get an alert if she ventures within 250 feet of my front door!

YANBU @MyEdgyOliveTraybake, I'd definitely ask your other half to have a word with FIL, but if all else fails, some sort of early warning system is the way to go!