To help ds get himself a life

[RedMoon111]

Ds is 19. He has asd, he functions quite well but does have difficulties socially. He can't make friends or hold on to them. He never has. I've tried helping him with this but sometimes even in conversations at home he goes off on a tangent, isn't very focused and can talk for far too long about the same thing.
He finished school, did a 1 year course which has finished and is now unemployed. He didnt make friends byt enjoyed the course. He has a seasonal job lined up starting in March but only for 6 months.
I'm really worried for him, he has no direction, no friends. He joined a squash group recently which he goes to once a week and enjoys but they are all older and he can't seem to take the friendship further.
Shall I back off and leave him to it?
He is currently in his bedroom gaming.
He's a lovely boy but im just worried this job will end and then we will be back to square one. We live rurally with very little going on and limited local courses he could do. He's so unmotivated.

I could have written this, except he has a job in a fast food place and did a degree. I just don’t know what to do

Are there any local support groups or social groups for young people with ASD as they could be more inclusive and less intimidating socially?

Does he have Gaming friends ?? ASD DD is 19, and sounds familiar … she has some great online friends, she’s known them for 4 or 5 years. She finds RL friendships difficult, but is getting better as are she gets older - I think you have to leave then to work things out. Her online friendships are great, supportive, fun, and interesting.

I always look at it that DD is about 3 years “behind” emotionally and socially.. so she’s 19, but more like 16.

@ExtraOnions I say exactly the same thing, he is really like a 16 year old but im worried he won't catch up.
He does speak to people online but I dont feel like they count as friends, he hasn't even met them.

Did he finish the degree? I'm not sure whether to push him to do a degree or just let him be. It's so difficult to know what to do.

Do you mind me asking if your daughter appeared ‘behind’ her peers academically in primary school? (Currently in this situation)

You are looking at this through your lens, and not his. They are real friends, it doesn’t matter that they haven’t met IRL.

I chat with her about her friends, and what they are up to, and how D&D is going. They are a lovely group of young people

All we do is try to keep moving forward, at whatever speed. She has a PT job at the local stadium during events, she’s started at college (again 😊), and seems to be enjoying it, she’s been learning to drive for the last 18 months. Always moving forward.

we’ve noticed a real change over the last few months, definitely a bit more mature, but nowhere near other 19 year olds.

I would encourage him to go to university more for the social aspect of it than anything else- if he sits there for years it will decrease his confidence, whereas if he goes to uni, and picks an interesting course, he has a chance to meet similar people, or join up with those with similar hobbies, or just to practice meeting people. Of course his new job might provide that, and windows of social opportunity do open up all the time- he might start the job and meet a new friend or even a partner, you never know.

I don't think that school is the best predictor of whether someone will succeed socially, it's a very odd environment, and a year of college perhaps on a lower level course may also not provide that many like-minded people. I would encourage university myself not least because it will give him experience of living independently.

I worry so many young adults get stuck these days, yes, it's expensive to move out or do a degree but if you don't want to have them sitting on your couch in a decade's time, they need the time, skills, motivation and practice to live a different life and I think uni provides a structured way of doing that leaving home thing, also when they come back from uni is a critical time to encourage the 'what's next' stage rather than to let them sink into doing very little.

Not academically, she’s always been fine academically (other than the 2 years of EBSA we had) .. she started to struggle with friendships at primary school though, it was really obvious from about 7 or 8 that there was something a bit different.

Does he have online friends?

I do hear him speaking online yes. I think they aren't real friends because he hasn't met them but maybe thats me being unfair.

I feel for you OP. The advice from @ExtraOnions about moving forward in whatever way is possible is very good - progress doesn't have to always be at a consistent pace (or Indeed linear).

Personally I probably wouldn't push him to go to uni unless he has a clear idea of what to do there, and you can foresee how that will help him, as it were. Sending him off to a city where he doesn't know anyone and all of a sudden has to toe the line academically may not be the best direction at the mo.

Are you able to say what area his college course was in?

This is slightly morbid but a friends son in law had a group of mates he only knew online, they all turned up for his funeral in person and they valued him highly. Don’t discount online friendships.
Also he’s still growing up and probably just lagging behind in social development rather never catching up. If he’s content then try not to panic!

I have a child with AuDHD.

she makes friends much more easily with other ND people. Her uni had an ND society and she shared a house in years 2 and 3 with two other autistic students (they were all studying astrophysics).

any ASD groups locally?

honestly though he sounds like he’s doing okay. He has a job coming up.

He doesn't want to move out and to be honest I'm not sure he would cope he really needs alot of help with organising himself

Currently thinking similar things about DS20 (also has ASD).

I think a campus university can be great for learning independence with a bit of "scaffolding" - obviously depends on the individual how much they want to / are able to do this.

One benefit is that unis tend to have a LOT of clubs for specialist interests. So there is probably a way to meet likeminded people and spend time with them in a structured way.

Another thing that has been really good for DS is volunteering with a conservation/countryside group. Again it obviously depends on the individual, but if there is anything similar your DS might want to do then it's worth trying.

In general I feel like DS needs structured activities which he can do alongside people.

The squash group sounds brilliant and I would question whether he needs to "take it further" necessarily, unless he himself is feeling unhappy about the current situation. It may well be quite enjoyable enough for him to go along each week and do the activity. Freeform social activity might not be the goal here.

I can relate to every single post on here. I also have a 19 year old old son who is the same. Except mine is at uni and he lives there. Whilst I can see he has improved a bit, he’s very much the same at uni as he is at home. He studies computer games design so all the other students are like him! Not social and just all retreat back to their rooms after class!

I worry about him but he actually seems perfectly happy with his life. Maybe we should get our kids to all meet up!

I think his upcoming job may well dramatically change things for him, even if only temporary. He will meet new people, colleagues, customers, suppliers, etc and that will build his confidence (I hope it's not a remote WFH desk/PC based job!!).

He sounds like I was as I had no real friends at school, just passing acquaintances, and never mixed with other pupils outside school for the entire time I was at secondary. My son was the same. My DH was the same!

For all three of us, in different places/different ways/different ages, it was getting out into the real working world that changed us, gave us new experiences, meet new people, change our outlook, etc. It led to both DH and I doing voluntary work alongside a full time job (again, independently, different years etc). It was one of the voluntary roles where we met - neither of us "dated" nor socialised, so we only met people through work or the voluntary work.

Son is slightly different as he hasn't done voluntary work, but did go to Uni (awful experience due to covid years), then had to move away and live independently for his first graduate job, but it was under the graduate job that he got friendly with a couple of sandwich year work experience lads (his first real in person friends), they returned to uni for a year, but he moved in with them a year later in a new city where all three of them found work. Now he has two very good friends who he spends all his time with, living with them, socialising with them etc.

So for the three of us, it was work that made the difference, gave us confidence, improved our chances of meeting new friends, etc.

He did but be stayed at home.

It's good though that he's living independently, and over time he may make friends. If he doesn't want to, fair enough, but at least the opportunities are there which they are not in a more remote area or hanging out with older people. I think you are right though, we worry but they may be content. I think it's important to know whether they are concerned. My brother is very content with a life with few friends but lots of acquaintances and the odd colleague, and who are we to say that's wrong?

He rarely complains about being bored and having no friends. He seems quite content when hes working, maybe im worrying more than I need to.

What about https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/?fbclid=IwVERDUAPHnndleHRuA2FlbQIxMABzcnRjBmFwcF9pZAo2NjI4NTY4Mzc5AAEe07qN_sBkFpFNkYyykURItdElA0MDSYTZigf3G0gPxPHTMuKiMaYYbiGxFko_aem_T1CBdBfcjUaw2CbM9h6liQ

Also ND individuals are usually developmentally younger than their biological age - 18 months to 2 years younger. M

I think if he's happy working and that gets him out of the house, that's really important. It's when nothing gets them out of the house it gets very stale and can be depressing. I think as someone else has said, see how the new job goes and what it opens up and go from there. There's nothing wrong with living with your parents at all, but I think it helps to see it as an option rather than something he has to do as he couldn't cope elsewhere. I have quite a few friends as well as my own ND children who have struggled a bit but are now living away from home, often with others who are ND or in mixed groups and having a great time. If he's getting work and getting a sports hobby, he is doing well.

I think uni is very dependent on the young person/ course and where it is. One of mine liked uni and the youngest really disliked it. He was lonely and spent a lot of time in his room. He made friends for the second/ third year and graduated last year but hasn’t stayed in touch with anyone.

Sometimes I try to see their ‘issues’ through their eyes rather than mine. I might worry but as long as they are ok and happy that’s all that really matters surely?

I think I just need to help him to motivate himself until his job starts in March and take it from there. He doesn't think further than a few days where as im racing ahead months at a time!