To help ds get himself a life

[RedMoon111]

Ds is 19. He has asd, he functions quite well but does have difficulties socially. He can't make friends or hold on to them. He never has. I've tried helping him with this but sometimes even in conversations at home he goes off on a tangent, isn't very focused and can talk for far too long about the same thing.
He finished school, did a 1 year course which has finished and is now unemployed. He didnt make friends byt enjoyed the course. He has a seasonal job lined up starting in March but only for 6 months.
I'm really worried for him, he has no direction, no friends. He joined a squash group recently which he goes to once a week and enjoys but they are all older and he can't seem to take the friendship further.
Shall I back off and leave him to it?
He is currently in his bedroom gaming.
He's a lovely boy but im just worried this job will end and then we will be back to square one. We live rurally with very little going on and limited local courses he could do. He's so unmotivated.

I think we do, when we have a child with a disability .. we worry about the future all the time. I have learned to go with the flow a bit more, I look at DD, she’s a nice person, she’s good company, she’s not nasty to people or mean, she’s not out until all hours, or getting into trouble …. She just has a lot if online friends, and finds face to face friendships difficult. She’ll get there.

They don’t have to ‘count as friends’ to you. They only have to count as friends to him.

I think you’re expecting your son to conform to your idea of what a ‘normal’ 19-year-old is like, but he isn’t that person. He might be perfectly happy gaming and chatting to friends online.

This is definitely not the case, he may meet them one day too.
Both DCs made online friends as teens through mutual interests/gaming. DS actually met them (with some of his RL friends as they gamed all together). DD also met a couple at gigs (one even stayed here).
DD in particular struggled w friendships so it was as good for her (it did get better at uni/as she got older but most of her friends are ND.
i would say you can’t find friends/a life for your DS but you can make suggestions - it’s difficult if you live rurally - if he went to uni could he live at home? Living away is a totally different kettle of fish!

I also try to "go with the flow" - my DC is adult now and I can't make things happen for him but he makes things happen for himself, not always what I'd choose for him. Try not to worry. Your DS is doing pretty well - he seems contented and he will have a job in March. And here's a different perspective on whether online friendships "count" https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-47064773

I'm not being nasty but aren't you making it very easy for him to stay in his safe little world?
Who's paying for his food, doing the washing, tidying up and how's he getting money to play squash? He's 19 and not working. Yes he's got something lined up, but could he not temp, work in a cafe, McDonald's...it's a way of encouraging him to get out and meet people.

He will need to work sooner or later. So getting him out and in work will help him get over the rut he's in.

I think you should relax and be proud of him ... and proud of your parenting. As others have said he may be closer to 16 in emotional readiness for adulthood.
He is doing really well.
He has a job lined up in March.
He goes out to play squash once a week and he enjoys it.
I know two young autistic men who never leave the house.

Another complete tangent to the OP but regarding a gaming life & friends.

A young disabled lad in Norway requiring assistance & unable to live a life without severe mobility problems, Mats Steen, found a whole group of friends through World of Warfare. He developed friendships with all sorts of people all over Europe over his 10yrs of gaming.
When he died gaming friends flew in from the UK & all over Europe for his funeral.
So I don’t think that friends met through gaming, even if you never meet, can be discounted.

I hope the OP’s son is doing similar during his time gaming, meeting people online might be a good thing.
The only problem is if the OP’s son is gaming through the night thus messing with his ability to have a life offline, get a job, etc but he might be getting more support online than the OP realises.

You're right, I've made it too easy for him. Today we sat down and a good chat, we updated his CV and cover letter then applied for 2 jobs that he was interested in. We also discussed a course he might be interested in at a local college rather than a degree course.
I feel better now that he has a plan and hopefully everything else will follow

Also look at long apprenticeships. He will meet people if different ages, study, work and get paid rather than have Uni debt.

The job issue and the friendship issue are maybe separate things. With the friendship thing, how does DS feel about it in himself? Has he expressed a want for more friendships in his life, or does he seem quite content?