To dislike my mil despite not wanting to dislike her?

[retun]

It’s exhausting. I don’t want to dislike her, but I’m prone to rumination and after she’s said something stupid for the hundredth time I end up thinking about it nonstop.

I’d really like to be able to ignore her existence entirely, except for the times when I actually have to socialise with her.

Her latest comment was regarding my tipple of choice and how I ‘can put it away’. I do tend to drink more when in her company, funny that!

Threads like this make me grateful every single day that I don't have a MIL.

I think the idea of having to get along with them is an artificial construct to be honest. No one should care that much what their husband's mum thinks of them. Unless you're living under her roof or being supported by her you only have to be tolerably polite to her for a few days a year.

Just let it wash over you.

It's not necessarily the best answer to whatever she says, but it should cover most eventualities.

She’s a typical ‘boy mum’ in a way

She was surprised you were dieting because she doesn’t think you need to-is how you would interpret this if she wasn’t your mil.

I read on here that sometimes the best thing to say is ‘pardon I missed that?’ so they have to repeat whatever horrible thing they said. Also means others in ear shot get a second chance to step in when it’s really bad

Hmmm. I think asking anyone that question is just plain weird.

She can see with her own eyes that I’m a healthy weight and no weight problems.

It was just a very strange question to be asked. I would never ask anyone that.

If she was surprised, she could have said ‘you do look good, but then I didn’t think you need to lose weight anyway!’

Best not to comment on people’s weight generally. Especially when they have a baby!

I would just say sorry did you mean to be so rude? Tilt head and let the silence roll

Just reply to her saying you what you said here "Yes, I always seem to drink more in your company. Funny, that."

Oh, well that's nothing. She is out of line.

God can you imagine! The fall out would be absolutely crazy.

Just laugh when you say it rather than doing it in a blatant eye-roll sarcastic type of way that she can instantly construe as nastiness.

If you just treat all her comments as part of her slightly amusing way of conversing with someone, and pay no proper heed to it, then it won't bother you. It's hard to do, but as you get older you realise that some people just have weird ways and there's no changing them. You just roll with it and don't expect to be best friends.

But it doesn’t need saying and it’s rude to state that.

Yes, I've seen that too. It seems a bit passive-agressive to me.

Christ, I don't know why people on MN ever bother to add a story when they're talking about how much they hate their MIL for likes. They should just post "MIL" and sit back and enjoy the frothing.

OP you don't have to see anyone you don't like, just don't go any more. DH can go on his own.

I had one like this, always nasty, snide remarks. I barely saw her by the end but t's wonderful when they die tbh.

Some mils are horrible and you’ll hear about it on an anonymous forum where people can vent freely without annoying their husbands/friends

I shouldn’t laugh at that

Are you SURE she is being bitchy deliberately? She might have just meant it in a "do you have to watch what you eat otherwise you pile on the pounds? I only need to look at a piece of cake these days and I put on half a stone" type of way."

I think a lot of it is just people's different personalities. Some people just naturally use a poor choice of words/don't realise how they could come across, and some people are more likely to take instant offence if they're on the receiving end of awkward or direct questions or comments and will not seek to clarify, even with a mock gasp of horror "weight problem? Well, I didn't think I did, but it sounds like YOU think I might have?" to see if they attempt to correct their cack-handed way of putting things.

Neither of them are wrong as such, it's just not a good mix. Resentment can build easilly where misunderstandings occur and clarification of intention isn't sought, and then the relationship just goes downhill, and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've seen it play out in my inlaws' family. My sister-in-law, married to my husband's brother, has a poor relationship with MIL, as she clearly takes things differently to the rest of us, but will never queries/clarifies it there and then. Or if something happens that she has a right to be a bit unhappy about it, she'll never say. So she just avoids seeing them, which is sad really, because with better communciation the relationship could be improved.

I'm not saying that's the case in your family, but it definitely happens in some.

Do you think it’s PA? I hadn’t thought of it that way

I should definitely seek clarification more, you’re right it could just be her way. She’s just not like with anyone else. I’m a lone Sil/dil and everyone else including the children are male

In that case there's absolutely nothing wrong with OP replying "yeah, I DO seem to drink more in your company, you're right!"

I think if you said it a lot it would be. The main thing is to get her to re-say what she said or defend herself.

You have two options really. Either treat her like an irritating colleague that you have to be polite to, go through the motions and don't think about her when she's not there; or engage with her like for like.
So when she makes a rude or irritating remark, respond assertively.
So 'You do put that away'
'No I don't MiL. I enjoy it in moderation'
'Do you have a weight problem?'
' Not especially. Sometimes I just want to drop a few pounds. And you?
At least this way when you runinate you wont need to look back on it as an attack you accepted passively.

'

I had one like this . But I always asked What did you say there ? or Why would you say that ? Passive aggressive like to make the comment and have the last day . Don't let her . I used to amuse myself with this tactic . But I did get fed up of always having to be on the defensive and drastically moved country to get away . And then she died . FIL turned out to be a rather sweet man on his own who never got a look in before .

But why let others bug you so much by asking such a trivial thing? It's must better to say something like "oh yes, it's DELICIOUS!" with a twinkle in your eye, even if you think she clearly thinks you drink too much alcohol. Just play with it.