To stay with my husband "for the kids?"

[AnonymousMum38]

I have been unhappy in my relationship for years. He drives me insane. He was childish when we met at 22 (me) and 24 (him) so it's my own fault. I naively thought he would grow up.

We are now 40 and 42. I have grown up a lot and he is stubbornly childish and annoying. He enjoys winding me up, makes inappropriate jokes that I have repeatedly and unwaveringly told him are not ok and I do not find funny, and then calls me "the woke police". He is diagnosed autistic but thinks this means he can say whatever comes into his head with no regard for anyone around him.

We have 2 kids together, one early teens and one preteen. The preteen is also autistic, she is an incredible human being with a strong sense of social justice and cares deeply. She has shown me that my husband is just using his diagnosis as a reason to be a AH. I actually have realised I am very likely ND myself and have excused a lot of behaviour.

I have thought about leaving for years. Recently I tested the waters and mentioned divorce hypothetically in front of the kids. My daughter begged me not to divorce him. Said she wouldn't cope with 2 houses and new routines and new smells. My son said "don't say that. he's my friend. Don't do that". About his dad. That's how I feel too like he's an annoying immature friend of my son's who I tolerate hoping one day son will see he's not a great person.

We haven't had sex in around 18 months. He tries and I just have no interest at all.

It'd be hard to leave anyway, it's a financial nightmare for one, we've been through a lot together and he loves me, says he doesn't mean to annoy me etc etc.

I'm just so exhausted and I would like to spend a whole day without having to be on edge wondering what he'll do next. I just want a relationship with an adult.

But the kids don't want change. Tbh we all hate change but I don't think I hate change as much as I hate my life right now. We argue in front of the kids all the time, I am miserable all the time, he winds me up all the time and says things I don't want him to say in front of the kids, I am openly disparaging about him and just tell him to F off. I never thought I'd be like this but I'm so overwhelmed.

I know I would be happier leaving, and I worry we're messing them up as a terrible example as parents, but they want me to keep everything the same.

AIBU to stay with him for the kids?

The kids will know that something is wrong they aren’t stupid. Many kids in this position grow up with the feeling that they are somehow responsible for their parent’s misery and resentment… even though they are too immature to fully process the situation.

You will also be teaching your kids that it is an expectation to remain in a sub-par relationship… and so the cycle repeats itself.

Do everyone, including future generations a massive favour. Leave FOR your kids.

I did this for so long and then had a catalyst event that didn’t give me much choice and I had to divorce but I am soooo glad I did. Your life sounds as miserable as I was and past the point of fixing. Kids do adapt much better than they think you will so long as you can facilitate a co-parenting relationship and they know they are loved by both parents. And my house is soooo much more pleasant for us all without the arguments and tension. You don’t realise the full strain on you when you live in it constantly but when you are released from it it’s truly eye opening. From what you describe I would say you need to make plans to go. None of you can be happy in the life your OP describes.

Your kids will be miserable long term living with unhappy, unkind parents and the “will they, won’t they” of a split hanging over them.

Or they will be miserable in the short term whilst the initial fall out happens and everyone adapts to the change.

This status quo is an awful way for all of you to live in my opinion.

I sometimes dream of a "catalyst event". I wish he would cheat on me so I had an excuse to leave but he never would. He doesn't even have any friends or work outside the home anymore. His whole life revolves around us which is why I feel guilty. I feel like a fraud.

OP, you are between a rock and a hard place. Your DC will hate it if you get divorced: you will become angrier and more scornful of your childish DH if you don’t. If you are going to stay, you will have to lay out your expectations and make clear what behaviour is unacceptable. If you are both prepared to make an effort, it can work, but it will take both of you. If you have mentally checked out of the marriage, then it will simply be a question of when, not if you go your separate ways.

I was the kid with parents who stayed together for the sake of...

It was bloody miserable. I was acutely aware they were both very unhappy almost every single day, life was punctuated with big rows and dark days-long silences, the atmosphere was always tense. One of my earliest memories is watching a massive fight, and I can't have been more than 4 or 5 years old. They didn't divorce till I was 18.

Above all of that, I basically felt to blame for them staying together. Don't do that to your children. Change may be hard but it is good and necessary change, just like putting the bins out before they start to really stink

I left FOR the children also. It took a long time but what swung it was thinking about the perception I was giving them of what marriage was all about - rudeness, bullying, sniping, unhappiness. My kids used to say they’d never get married. I am now in a wonderful new relationship and able to talk to my kids about what makes a happy partnership, and about some of the mistakes I made. The split was undoubtedly difficult for them and continues to be, to an extent to the younger one but there is no doubt in my mind it was the right thing for both them and for me.

Don't. My in-laws did this and it ruined their lives, my DW's and my BILs.

Never "stay together for the kids" unless financial circumstances make it truly impossible to leave.

It sounds like a horrible environment for everyone, and splitting up would be healthier all round. The DC are learning terrible things about boundaries and relationships.

However, I think this was really unfair:

"Recently I tested the waters and mentioned divorce hypothetically in front of the kids. My daughter begged me not to divorce him. Said she wouldn't cope with 2 houses and new routines and new smells. My son said "don't say that."

Keep discussions about your relationship between you and your DH until you decide for sure what you're going to do. This sort of thing places a burden of responsibility for decisions you as the adult should be making on your DC, which is far too much for them. They will now be feeling uncertain and destabilised. Of course they don't want change. Their home with both of you in it is all they have ever known, but that doesn't mean the change is bad in the long-run.

You asked your kids about divorcing their dad? They will know it is not hypothetical and you have just dumped a lot of stress on them.

this will now be on their minds until you do get that divorce. You need to leave for the sake of your kids and get them out of the limbo you have put them in

Do you want to teach your children to "cope & make do" in unsatisfactory relationships or to navigate beyond that to have better outcomes (eventually) for all?

Leave for your children! You have one life after all. They don’t understand the intricacies of adult relationships, they are just comfortable with the current set up and aren’t able to relate to what you are experiencing.

My eldest didn’t understand why her dad and I divorced, the younger said why didn’t you do it sooner. Kids do understand eventually but it’s normal to want to resist change. Also be aware one or both may want to live with him, at those ages their wishes will be taken strongly into consideration

with kindness, you can’t ’test the waters’ like that. It wasn’t up to the kids to validate your wishes and in my experience most rarely would.
perhaps a good step would be to access some independent support such as counselling to work through your feelings and what is stopping you here?
on the surface it sounds like a shite marriage anyway.

Firstly, testing the waters mentioning divorce around the kids was a shit thing to do, you need to make your own decisions. Secondly, don’t stay with him for the kids, it’s not for the kids it’s to ease your own guilt and for an easier life, and ultimately you deserve to be happy in your own home and he deserves to be with someone who doesn’t dislike him for literally just being him, and you don’t like the very bones of him, it isn’t fair to anyone.

You aren’t taking the kids from him so don’t feel bad for that. It will be hard and messy but remind yourself there isn’t a perfect family outcome for the kids now regardless, and this isn’t anyone’s fault, sometimes things just don’t work out.

That's very hard, sorry.
I get how you feel.
Not being able to walk away from what doesn't work for any reason is soul destroying and requires strength.
You would be better of without your man child.
I'm also ND, don't have any kids, so not sure about them.
💐

I don’t think you should stay but I do think you might have to be prepared for the fact it may take a long time (possibly the duration of your children’s childhood) before things settle and you reap the benefits.

It isn’t that I’m saying you’d be wrong to end the relationship. I just think that realistically the fallout is often pretty horrid and it’s not as simple as leave = happiness (I don’t mean the OP, but the general accepted MN view.)

Well stay if you want to teach your DC shitty relationship dynamics.

At least I hope they learn that they should never marry anyone hoping they'll change.

My parents “stayed together for the kids” and it messed me and my brother up, watching our parents dislike each other but staying together made our home life pretty miserable, we were always walking on eggshells. They finally separated when I was 22 and my brother was a teen and they both admit now they shouldn’t have stayed together for as long as they did.

I think it was out of order that you've included your children in this, even put across as a hypothetical that's putting alot of needless pressure on them and that's extremely unfair.

Yes it is unreasonable to stay with him "for the kids", the kids will be upset at divorce and all the changes that come with it but 2 happy parents apart is always better than 2 parents who are unhappy together. Ultimately you need to do what's best for your kids in that situation, and what's best for the kids isn't always what they say they do or do not want to happen.

Do you have a spare bedroom? If not would you be able to move somewhere where you would?

My parents split up for the exact same reason - mum grew up and dad didn't. They stayed together "for me" and split as soon as I moved out.

Then financially they ended up having to live together for another 3 years. Mum moved into my old room and by transitioning to house mates Vs partners they were able to get space from each other and learn to get along again as friends.

They never got back together - mum eventually remarried but I was able to have them both there for every birthday and Christmas without drama up until dad died.

If your kids won't cope with being split across two houses and two routines then being split inside one might be enough of a compromise to stop yourself going insane until they move out.

Split and let him find someone who actually likes him. My exh seemingly stayed with me 7 years longer than he wanted as his mother convinced him to stay together for the children and i'm feeling pretty pissed that those years were taken from me by him.

OP, I really empathise. But you have created the catalyst event you longed for by telling the children. You must, somewhere inside, already know what you're eventually going to do; you just need time to feel right with your decision (which is ok).

I do think it's unreasonable to stay together 'for the kids'. You said it youself - you hate your life as it is now more than you hate change. And it really doesn't sound like a good environment for anyone to be in - adults constantly shouting at each other, one winding the other up, the other being openly disparaging. Every single thing you both do, shows the children you don't like each other, let alone love one another. And of course he means to annoy you if constantly does things he knows annoy you that you constantly ask him not to! He's being a dick. You've obviously reached the end of your rope, which is why you don't care about telling him to fuck off in front of the kids.

Change is hard for everyone. But you will manage it as best you can. The kids will cope. Life can be better.

'Keep discussions about your relationship between you and your DH until you decide for sure what you're going to do. This sort of thing places a burden of responsibility for decisions you as the adult should be making on your DC, which is far too much for them. They will now be feeling uncertain and destabilised'

Exactly right. Do not use your children as sounding boards when you have an adult decision to make. This is extremely inappropriate and damaging to them. My mother used to use my sister and I as her therapist and it really messed us both up

I would recommend seeing an actual professional therapist to discuss your feelings about your marriage and to help with making a decision of your own. Your marriage sounds really miserable and it sounds like a dreadful environment for your children to be growing up in