To stay with my husband "for the kids?"

[AnonymousMum38]

I have been unhappy in my relationship for years. He drives me insane. He was childish when we met at 22 (me) and 24 (him) so it's my own fault. I naively thought he would grow up.

We are now 40 and 42. I have grown up a lot and he is stubbornly childish and annoying. He enjoys winding me up, makes inappropriate jokes that I have repeatedly and unwaveringly told him are not ok and I do not find funny, and then calls me "the woke police". He is diagnosed autistic but thinks this means he can say whatever comes into his head with no regard for anyone around him.

We have 2 kids together, one early teens and one preteen. The preteen is also autistic, she is an incredible human being with a strong sense of social justice and cares deeply. She has shown me that my husband is just using his diagnosis as a reason to be a AH. I actually have realised I am very likely ND myself and have excused a lot of behaviour.

I have thought about leaving for years. Recently I tested the waters and mentioned divorce hypothetically in front of the kids. My daughter begged me not to divorce him. Said she wouldn't cope with 2 houses and new routines and new smells. My son said "don't say that. he's my friend. Don't do that". About his dad. That's how I feel too like he's an annoying immature friend of my son's who I tolerate hoping one day son will see he's not a great person.

We haven't had sex in around 18 months. He tries and I just have no interest at all.

It'd be hard to leave anyway, it's a financial nightmare for one, we've been through a lot together and he loves me, says he doesn't mean to annoy me etc etc.

I'm just so exhausted and I would like to spend a whole day without having to be on edge wondering what he'll do next. I just want a relationship with an adult.

But the kids don't want change. Tbh we all hate change but I don't think I hate change as much as I hate my life right now. We argue in front of the kids all the time, I am miserable all the time, he winds me up all the time and says things I don't want him to say in front of the kids, I am openly disparaging about him and just tell him to F off. I never thought I'd be like this but I'm so overwhelmed.

I know I would be happier leaving, and I worry we're messing them up as a terrible example as parents, but they want me to keep everything the same.

AIBU to stay with him for the kids?

Yeah, I'm sorry that I said it to them. I definitely didn't say "should I divorce him". I can't remember what I said I just genuinely wanted to know their thoughts and I was at the end of my tether.

Not sure why you think autism is the same for everyone but it isn't there are so many forms of autism and your DH very clearly has it yet you dismiss it as deliberate behaviour which is bizarre to me coming from various autistic siblings and 2 display these symptoms very clearly and have done for years and are accepted for how they are. Me and another sibling have a totally different autism

Absolutely do not stay just for the children. I did that, spent many, many years being unhappy because I thought it would be best for the children. It wasn’t. When we finally split I realised how impacted my life had been. I will maintain my advocacy for being happy for yourself. That’s what will make the most difference for the children.

Normally I would say that it's not fair on the children to stay in a toxic relationship but in your case you are the toxic relationship so I'm not sure how they would benefit from a split.

You suggested divorce in front of your kids! Who does that. You tell their father to Fuck off right in front of them.

I think it would be ok to separate and for you to move out but leave the kids in their home with their father. You visit but don't expect them to split their lives in half.

Yeah I don't doubt that he's autistic. I do think it's often deliberate but then I feel guilty in case it isn't. I am very aware that he hasn't changed, I was naive thinking he would. If anything he IS better than he was, he has tried. He was very very sheltered when we met and mollycoddled. I didn't realise how much so.

He does try sometimes. But then he'll just act so badly towards me and others. Think refering to my friends by their weight, height or disability, deliberately mispronouncing names to make them rude or derogatory, calling me names as a "joke" that I've repeatedly said I do not find funny. Calling me a nag and refusing to do his share of housework or childcare. Making inappropriate comments when we're out e.g. "oo look, they sell penises!!" super loudly in a crowded shop with our kids after seeing a vaguely phallic shaped light shade. When we discussed how tall a deceased relative was, he exclaimed "we should dig him up and find out" to my bereaved extended family. There's so much more I just ran out of patience years ago and I don't feel like his wife I feel like a parent of a particularly challenging child.

Yeah after being called a C*NT in front of them many times I have dropped the occasional F bomb. I guess they're better off with him who has never been to a parents evening but thought it was ok refuse to be on screen but to loudy swear at me for recycling something wrong when I was on an online meeting with kids school.

He's dreadful, OP. I don't know how you've put up with him for as long as you have. I'm another who stayed with an immature man for 20 years for the kids. It's so hard to leave and it makes you feel so guilty, but trust me, you get over it and my kids are fine.

It's a bad time if you have a young teen and a pre teen. I would stay for them.

I meant to add particularly if one or both is autistic

Regarding the children, the only thing I would STRONGLY advise, nay, demand you do, is that if you decide to leave, then you both sit down and tell them jointly, clearly and kindly, even if you have to grit your teeth and sit on your hands to be in his presence.

I found out my parents were splitting when I came home from college one normal day and found that one of them had moved out. They never actually told me what or why or how, I just got back and found out that way. Yeah, no more rows, but a different kind of damage.

Luckily I managed to salvage the relationship with both parents individually, but I know full well that it deeply impacted my view and then personal experience of relationships.

He calls you a cunt, you tell him to fuck off. He makes horrible jokes at your expense, you float the idea of divorcing him to the kids. Honestly, nothing about this is ok and you both need to take some responsibility for the toxic environment that your children are growing up in and do something about it. Either you both commit to changing the dynamic (no name calling, no arguing in front of the DC's, equal effort with domestic and childcare load) or one of you needs to leave.

He sounds like a complete cunt who happens to be autistic. If he didn't have autism he would still be mean, lazy and inappropriate.

You can't sacrifice yourself on the altar of what your children would want if it means you being constantly unhappy because you are being mocked and denigrated by him at every opportunity.

I disagree with this. The sooner the better, IMHO. And I was an autistic child/teen who grew up in a household very similar to the OP's.

Your description of your relationship and the house your kids are growing up in makes it clear that it is far more damaging for those kids for you to stay than it is to go.

The thing about change is that it’s temporary, and then that just becomes the new normal. Hard in the short term until everybody adjusts, but then much better. Your & their current situation is awful with no end in sight.

Don’t do it, it’s such a bad idea. And more importantly your happiness is important too

Have you considered a nesting arrangement to make things easier for your children after separation? It means renting a 1 bedroom or studio flat which you and stbx stay in alternate weeks when not in the house. It would avoid the sort of sensory changes which your autistic DC would struggle with.

We have ok days too. Sometimes quite nice. Usually he says something to massively piss me off and it breaks the illusion. How tolerant I can be depends on lots of other things. Sometimes I can go weeks thinking it's fine and I can just muddle along. Other times I just feel it's unbearable. I just think the unbearable days are getting more frequent. Not necessarily because he's any worse but because I'm at capacity and it's built up for a long long time.

Just because a child doesn’t want to change their status quo doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be changed for their good!
Children should witness in-home parental relationships that are mutually respectful, where the family home feels safe and loving, where differences of opinion are appreciated and disagreements worked through healthily. If you cannot have this with both parents together you owe it to your children to provide it in two separate homes.

Leave him for the kids. If you are both happier apart, they will also be happier. A better life is possible for all of you.

None of this sounds like a functional relationship impressionable children should be around, or think is 'normal'. Please do them a favour and end this so you can role model a) if you make a mistake it is fine to correct it 2) you have standards that you expect them to stick to and expect of others 3) there are better models of life and women do not/should not put up with nonsense 4) in time, there are better models for relationships that are functional that they can aspire to in their lives.

I think you were foolish to discuss it with your kids - very few children want their parents to divorce, even if the relationship is not good. While the arguing and unhappy dynamic isn't good, it's all they know and the unknown is scary.

It sounds like you're really unhappy and would be happier if you split. You would all go through a difficult period but when you've come out the other side and things settle down, it's likely that your kids would be happier too. They will adjust, it takes time and effort from both parents in being sensitive to their needs and not putting them in the middle feeling like they have to choose between you.

It will be hard for your kids if you leave.
It will be hard for your kids if you stay.
‘Pick your hard’
All of my gut instinct is willing you to divorce. At least then YOU can be happy. Your kids will adjust, I promise you.
Sending you love and courage