Is this gaslighting?

[MyRareDenimPlayer]

I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years this year, and we have 2 kids (6 and 3). We generally get on well and have a lot of fun together, but our relationship feels like it’s deteriorating. We argue more and more and it usually involves me in tears and him getting angry.

most recent example from this morning:

2 days ago we reorganised the furniture in one of our rooms, to make the room more accessible and tidier. I walked in there yesterday and the floor was covered in mess, because my husband has decided to tidy pile in the the bottom of his wardrobe and threw it all in the clear room (this is his process, to tidy one room by trashing another. It does my nut but that’s another story).
he said ‘let’s not talk about it right now’ as it was bedtime and he doesn’t like big talk at that time. I went to bed with my brain thinking it over and then went to sleep.
woke up in the morning and we were resting/cuddling in bed. Our conversation was:

him: what are you thinking
me: I’d like you to get that mess cleared up today
him: (silence)
me: hey…
him: whatever (rolls away in a strop)

He then got really pissy because I’d apparently bollocked him without saying nice things first. To me it wasn’t a slander, just a request to fix something that was bothering me?
I felt shit that the morning had started this way and went and cried in another room. This kind of thing happens a lot and when it does I’ve got no resilience to turn the other cheek, I just feel empty and ruined.

he found me upset and said I’m never happy with anything he does. I was sobbing curled up in a ball and he was venting at me about how I’m not grateful and need to be nicer etc.
it only ended because my 6yo came in and hugged me.

Is he gaslighting me into thinking this is my fault? Or am I cruel or insensitive?
either way this isn’t working for me but I’d be interested to know an outsider view. Thanks

I think in that example he was having a nice moment with you, cuddled up in bed asking what you’re thinking and you kind of burst his bubble. I think your reaction to cry was a little ott. We all have different ways and you need to decide what you can let slide ( he made a temporary mess while attempting to tidy another area) and what is actually harmful behaviour. I can’t see it from what you have described

I’m sorry but it sounds like you overreacted massively. What he did was annoying- no one likes a mess but bed probably wasn’t the place to mention it as it set the tone for the entire day.

You say he got ‘pissy’ and your reaction was to curl into a ball and cry. Unless there’s more to his behavior then I think yours comes across a little unreasonable.

could you tidy the mess together?

Whilst his reaction wasn't the best, I do think that bringing it up when you were cuddling in bed probably wasn't the best time to be honest.

Your reaction also seems quite extreme, curled up in a ball sobbing, really? That's not a great thing for your children to witness, especially not if it happens a lot, as you say.

And no, it isn't gaslighting.

I honestly don't know what to make of this. None of it sounds like gaslighting, it does sound like you're making mountains out of molehills , feeling ruined and sobbing in a ball is a huge overreaction.
Why not let him sort his mess in his own time and stop nagging?

It's not gaslighting.

It does sound an awful lot of fuss and upset about not a lot unless there's a huge back story.

The mess is annoying, I get that. But foed he have form for then leaving it like that for days or weeks? Because surely any normal.adult who has made a temporary mess while.sorting.something up will know that the next job js to sort that mess the next day or whatever? In which case, you making a song and dance about it first thing seems a bit ridiculous.

He does also seem to over react to your comment. A simple, "yes, I will sort it tofay, obviously" would suffice, even if a but irritable.

And tou curling into a ball to cry is, again, ridicullis.

So basically, both of.you seem to have very extreme reactions and ifs impossible from this one snapshot to u derstand how you got here and whether there is something deeper or more sinister going on.

It isn’t gaslighting.
I also tidy like this - well it’s how I do a big sort/tidy which sounds like what he was doing.

this is relevant to me as I’m planning on sorting my wardrobe too and I’m waiting til we’ve cleared a room that’s a mess due to building work so I can use that. It’s a different style.

if my husband was pressuring me to get it done day 2 after starting while cuddling in bed I’d be annoyed - probably wouldn’t say whatever and turn over, but it’s poor communication not gaslighting….

You sound dramatic and manipulative. I get a bit cross when DH starts giving me jobs and instructions for the day before I’m up and dressed, so I too would be annoyed if you started telling me tidy up a mess that I already knew needed sorting as soon as I opened my eyes.

If DH then started crying because I was very reasonably irked by his nagging I would be quite annoyed at the whole scenario.

I can’t see any gaslighting though - just your DH having a reasonable negative response and you escalating to full blown sobs over something minor.

It is not gaslighting on his part but your tears seem over the top.
There is new research at Durham University that shows many more women suffer from narcissism than previously thought.
It means narcissistic tendencies in women were often misread or overlooked. When those traits show up as emotional sensitivity, insecurity or relational manipulation, they sometimes still are misdiagnosed as anxiety, mood disorders.
https://theconversation.com/what-weve-learned-about-narcissism-over-the-past-30-years-258505
The fact that you were crying, curled up in a ball for your six year old child to find is emotional manipulation.
Your husband sounds irritating but he is not gaslighting you. On the other hand you might want to think about your emotions and if you use them to manipulate others.

None of this is gaslighting, a term now so misused and misunderstood it's no longer useful.

You sound extremely dramatic. I hate mess but it wouldn't be the last thing on my mind before I sleep and the first thing I think of as I'm having a morning cuddle. You say making a mess in one room while cleaning another is part of his usual process so just let him get on with it. It's his mess to sort out.

Crying in a ball and feeling ruined is all very extreme and unhealthy.

Hi guys, thanks for the comments so far. I think a lot of is stemming from our history, as he frequently gets angry about little things.

I probably do overreact compared to normal, but I don’t feel our relationship is normal anymore. He is always angry and expects me to control my emotions, when he is free to express anger as much as he likes.
he stonewalled me on Christmas Day for 5 hours because I was feeling upset that he’d been ignoring me earlier in the day.

i just wonder if we’re done. He says he’s in love with me but I hurt so much.

And I’ve just seen your SIX year old had ti come and cuddle you to stop you crying.

Ignoring that no six year old should ever find their mum sobbing curled up in a ball, you should not be making them responsible for you feelings. No child should feel like they have to be the one to cheer up their crying mother - you’re going to be creating complex, long lasting, negative emotional changes in their brain if this happens regularly.

Please get therapy and/or leave your relationship. Your action are not healthy.

There was no need for dramatics and like 99% of the time it is mentioned on here no it is not gaslighting

If you really carried on like that seek help for it, it is not normal

He wanted you to say “ I am thinking I’d like to suck your massive cock “ so surely you can see why he got the hump ?

My partner is a neat freak and I’m the one who makes massive messes with my grandiose tiding sessions and I get pissed off with them for anxiously fretting about the mess ( they are autistic and hate any mess ) so I get annoyed when I am actually clearing and organising OUR home

your reaction was massively ott and your son should not have witnessed that but also your OH showed you a v cold reaction to your distress which is was worrying
No this is not gaslighting it’s two tired parents grating on each others nerves and not meeting each others emotional needs

get counselling to find out if it’s a temporary blip or you need to break up .

I would say your relationship is done, it's extremely unhealthy and your child deserves better than this highly volatile atmosphere.

None of that is gaslighting- it sounds upsetting (possibly for your children if their mother is curled up in ball sobbing about a few jumpers and coat hangers on a floor).
It sounds like you are obsessing about the house - lying awake thinking about it and then it’s the first thing on your mind and out of your mouth in the morning?

it sounds exhausting not gas lighting.

just read he ignored you for 5 hours in Xmas day !!!

he gets frequently angry at you

ok , get counselling but I think you need to exit this marriage

It sounds like you're both in the wrong, it may be unfixable because you've got to the point where you can't effectively communicate at all.

You stewing over mess in a spare room and bringing it up in that moment is ott, as is the sobbing in a ball. Him stonewalling you is unacceptable too. What was the disagreement earlier on Christmas Day?

From your update it sounds like there is much more to this problem than your example, in which on the face of it you were U.

If for any reason you want to end this relationship you can.

If you think his behaviour overall is poor or emotionally abusive would seek help in real life, eg a qualified counsellor.

Not gaslighting and it was you in the wrong

You both sound exhausting. Sobbing is a complete over reaction. Your children witnessing the adults mess of a relationship is incredibly wrong. Sort it or separate - your children will thank you as this is very unhealthy for them.

The anger is worrying. You say in your op that you get along well and have fun together so what’s happened? I think couple therapy maybe?

Stop “sobbing curled up in a ball”. I read these kind of descriptors a lot on this site. I’m a woman and am impatient with these kinds of displays, before I am accused of misogyny. What good does this do? Tell him what you need then leave him to do it. Ignore his bad grace, as long as it’s done. These kinds of things are teething problems in a marriage and indeed any kind of co-habiting situation and that includes housemates and adult children. You wouldn’t sob curled up in a ball over a row about mess with them would you?

Yes this has been going on for years.

the time we were in a bar in HK and had a disagreement (we were TTC and he wouldn’t stop drinking) so he stopped talking to me and went back to the hotel in silence.

the time we were on holiday and he got offended that the waiter gave him ‘the bad wine’ and wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the meal.

the time he stomped around the house in a huff because he forgot to buy a key ingredient in the grocery shop. Got pissed at me for not doing the shop myself. And then when I asked him to manage his anger better, he brought up every fault of mine he could think of and called my mum a psycho.

’i felt he was ignoring me’ it was Christmas Day - how much attention do you require? I would probably opt out of rewarding bad behaviour by providing attention to someone who seeks it constantly, sobbing if they don’t get it.
it feels manipulative- I might be wrong, but it sounds like a really unhealthy environment for all of you.