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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is miffed with me. AIBU?

37 replies

NotoSIL · 04/01/2026 07:50

DH has a sister who is, by all accounts, quite hard work and overindulged. She doesn’t work (lives rent-free in a family property) and is single currently. We (DH, me, my two stepkids and our two shared kids) visit the hometown for a few days every Christmas. She’s nice and friendly, but quite chaotic. Seems to be happier lately than she has been previously.

Before Christmas, she was in touch with DH to request a certain pair of trainers for Christmas worth £125. He told me the day before we left for his hometown, I duly trudged around the shops on my day off to find them but they were sold out in her size, so he arrived with just the other bits I’d got her (chocolate, jumper, some accessories - costing about £70).

SIL didn’t get me or any of the kids anything. She got DH a ticket to go to a foreign festival with her, on a date he can’t do.

On the last day of our holiday, DH said he needed to go to the cashpoint to withdraw £125 for SIL because he hadn’t got the trainers. AIBU to have said absolutely not?

OP posts:
FOJN · 04/01/2026 07:53

YANBU for refusing to give her money for trainers but more fool you for wasting your day off shopping for her Christmas presents. I would not get involved in future, leave it to your husband and if she ends up with nothing it's not your problem.

PersephoneParlormaid · 04/01/2026 07:55

Don’t her anything in future, leave it all up to DH.

Original poster
NotoSIL · 04/01/2026 07:57

FOJN · 04/01/2026 07:53

YANBU for refusing to give her money for trainers but more fool you for wasting your day off shopping for her Christmas presents. I would not get involved in future, leave it to your husband and if she ends up with nothing it's not your problem.

I don’t actually mind Christmas shopping (O like looking for presents and DH pays me back for whatever I get for his family) but I do resent having it sprung on me last minute!

OP posts:
Makemeanonymous · 04/01/2026 08:08

I would have been disgusted at the fact she " requested" a Christmas present from your DH in the first place. And especially an expensive one. What entitled behaviour.
You put a lot of effort into pandering to her. She might not have received the present she demanded but she did receive other gifts. So I am at a loss to understand why your DH thinks it's necessary to also give her money.

WarmGreyHare · 04/01/2026 08:10

I wouldn't want to have given her the money. But I do think your DH should be able to make his own decisions about his family gifts. So it depends on your finances and if they are totally shared or you each have some autonomy.

Is she a lot younger or something?

Aplstrudl · 04/01/2026 08:12

She’s a lazy selfish entitled Madam demanding things! Absolutely not. Can’t believe he was going to… should use that money to get you a present in her behalf!!

Floatingdownriver · 04/01/2026 08:13

He sounds a bit chaotic too.

Original poster
NotoSIL · 04/01/2026 08:15

Makemeanonymous · 04/01/2026 08:08

I would have been disgusted at the fact she " requested" a Christmas present from your DH in the first place. And especially an expensive one. What entitled behaviour.
You put a lot of effort into pandering to her. She might not have received the present she demanded but she did receive other gifts. So I am at a loss to understand why your DH thinks it's necessary to also give her money.

I wasn’t privy to the conversation but I had assumed he’d also given her suggestions for me and the kids. As she was requesting something expensive, I figured that was fair enough as four kids is a lot to buy for. But my assumptions were wrong!

OP posts:
LamentableShoes · 04/01/2026 08:16

Tell your DH you were hoping for £125 cash from her which she didn't give you, so can he arrange for you to have that please.

Original poster
NotoSIL · 04/01/2026 08:18

WarmGreyHare · 04/01/2026 08:10

I wouldn't want to have given her the money. But I do think your DH should be able to make his own decisions about his family gifts. So it depends on your finances and if they are totally shared or you each have some autonomy.

Is she a lot younger or something?

We don’t have entirely shared finances. I did say to him that it was ultimately his choice but that I’d be annoyed if he did it. Christmas is expensive (we also have five family birthdays in December) so whilst he could have afforded it, I don’t see why we need to pay £200 for her Christmas if we get nothing in return.

As DH can’t attend the festival, she can sell the ticket if she wants to recoup her money.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotoSIL · 04/01/2026 08:23

And no she’s not younger, she’s older than us!

OP posts:
euff · 04/01/2026 08:25

I think it would be okay for him to be giving a gift like this if she was doing the work in hosting your family, cleaning up the home, changing beds before and after, cooking etc but it sounds like that’s probably not the case.

Moonnstarz · 04/01/2026 08:28

Perhaps DH should respond with sure, I can get you those, can you get NotoSIL the new bag she wanted, DC1 would like headphones, DC2 will have a game for their switch, DC3 would like a expensive Lego set and DC4 would like a baby Annabelle doll. Will exchange gifts together so let me know when you have these ready.

Sameshitedifferentday · 04/01/2026 08:32

She is one CF however it is your DH Sister and his own money so up to him ultimately. If I were you I would step back from ever buying her anything again and leave it to your H to sort out.

Original poster
NotoSIL · 04/01/2026 08:41

euff · 04/01/2026 08:25

I think it would be okay for him to be giving a gift like this if she was doing the work in hosting your family, cleaning up the home, changing beds before and after, cooking etc but it sounds like that’s probably not the case.

No, we stayed at his dad’s so she didn’t do any hosting.

It’s not so much the money that I object to as getting the kids a £10 gift each would have been fine if that’s what she could afford. Just that she’s put absolutely no thought or effort in, yet DH is expected to splurge on her.

OP posts:
Lavender115 · 04/01/2026 09:04

I’d also be annoyed by the whole thing. I’ve got a similar SIL where over the years DH and I have showered her, her ex and their variety of children in presents for birthdays and Xmases and some in-between.

This past Xmas we ‘dialled back’ and gifted her and our adult niece £30 gift cards each. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but adding in all the years of presents, it’s just another gesture we do that goes unacknowledged and more money down the drain.

Recently, I wiped her and my niece’s birthday dates off my phone. If DH wants to send cards, presents or a text, it is completely up to him to sort out (but he did indicate he was tired of it all and he’s done). As far as I’m concerned, I have nothing else to do with them.

EchoedSilence · 04/01/2026 09:07

What does she live on if she doesn't work?

crankycurmudgeon · 04/01/2026 09:09

Sounds like she is used to being looked after by everyone, including having her life financed by others, and so she has a self-focused mindset where doing sacrificial things for others just doesn't enter into her thought process. Was she spoiled as a child?

euff · 04/01/2026 09:10

Sorry, I had misread and thought she was living with dad! She is very self absorbed. It would bother me too, it is very rude of her to ask for a gift unprompted. Why did DH feel the need to get the cash? Did his sister ask him for it as he hadn’t brought the requested gift? He should contact her in advance next year and ask if she wants any ideas for gifts for the kids! My sisters are usually checking their gift ideas for my kids with me well in advance as they want to get them something and also make sure they aren’t getting the same or similar from us.

Poodleville · 04/01/2026 09:11

I think you shouldn't buy her anything (the bits you described) and then just stay out of the gifting between siblings. Because it seems to make sense to them (even if yes it sounds weird!)

user2848502016 · 04/01/2026 09:15

Absolutely not, what a cheek! He should have told her to use the money she saved by not buying any of you presents

TalulahJP · 04/01/2026 10:11

crankycurmudgeon · 04/01/2026 09:09

Sounds like she is used to being looked after by everyone, including having her life financed by others, and so she has a self-focused mindset where doing sacrificial things for others just doesn't enter into her thought process. Was she spoiled as a child?

this.

why does dh still indulge her? does she manipulate or blackmail him?

if i were him i’d be explaining that you searched for the trainers in her size but were unable to get them so the gift she got was INSTEAD of those.

That he cannot use the ticket sorry. That she should sell it and recoup the money.

And finally - and this is the important one - in view of the fact that christmas is for kids, that you realise she doesn’t have much money as she doesn’t work, in future instead of reciprocal gifts that miss the mark, let’s just save our money and do christmas cards instead.

She sounds like a right brat. Selfish to not get your kids (her niece or nephew) anything.

Oh and the festival ticket was probably paid for by her parents so she could take him so he could go to buy her her drink and pay for her accommodation arrange their transport and keep an eye on her.
He should ask the parents if that’s the case. As if so, hes being well and truly used and she got him fuck all.

sesquipedalian · 04/01/2026 11:04

“She got DH a ticket to go to a foreign festival with her, on a date he can’t do.”

So she didn’t buy anything for you or the DC, bought your DH a ticket to a concert (that presumably she wanted to go to and have company for) that would necessitate your DH spending more money, and asked for an expensive pair of trainers for herself. She is one CF, OP, and you were right to tell your DH that you’d be annoyed if he gave her £125. What a chancer she is! I ‘d leave it entirely up to DH to sort out her presents - does he not care that she gets nothing for the DC? Or think it rude that she is blatantly gives a present that entirely excludes you? I would be massively unimpressed by it!

Rosealea · 04/01/2026 11:16

Why would you or her brother want/expect presents from her. Surely you buy for her and she gets little mindings for the kids? If she wants to get something for her brother then fair enough but I don't understand why you would expect to be part of this and be bought a gift.

Motnight · 04/01/2026 11:18

Poodleville · 04/01/2026 09:11

I think you shouldn't buy her anything (the bits you described) and then just stay out of the gifting between siblings. Because it seems to make sense to them (even if yes it sounds weird!)

Agree with this.