What would you make of this?

[AvaAvatar]

We got SS10 a phone for Christmas. Have been in contact with his mum about it, she agreed, no issues were raised, we agreed we’d put screen time limits and no TikTok and that we’d pay etc etc etc.

SS went back yesterday and today, DH got a stream of gibberish texts over about an hour, and his calls were declined, and when DH eventually got hold of SS’s mum she said it was her daughter’s turn with the phone so she’d been texting everyone. The daughter is 8 and not DH’s. Apparently their household has a “culture of sharing” and all her kids will get to use the phone equally. SS sounds annoyed but resigned and doesn’t want DH to take the phone away.

I tend to keep out of issues with SS’s mum because it’s not my circus, but:

YANBU - WTF, no, it’s SS’s phone
YABU - her house, her rules

Wow who thinks it’s reasonable to give a phone to an 8 year old as a toy? Also do they seriously not allow any private property?? Communism is alive and kicking! So weird.

Yanbu if this sharing culture means DH can't call his child, which must be one of the main reasons for buying it.
Also not exactly ideal for an 8 year old to be texting people I assume she hardly knows! My DC will use my phone to text his dad (mostly a load of poo emojis and laughing faces) and sometimes my parents but he wouldn't even consider texting anyone else and he's 6.

Don't think there's anything you can do about it though, because also her house her rules is true!

It’s bizarre. Theres also a younger boy so if they’re all taking turns, and it’s got an hour’s screen time limit, are we supposed to triple that?

We’ve had an issues before with things being broken so try to limit what goes to her house. A few years ago when we bought SS a guitar and lessons, and his siblings were allowed to play with the guitar so it had constant broken strings and was untuned so SS just gave up after a few months.

But a phone is personal in my opinion.

Well it looks like seeing as he has an Idiot for a mother you’re going to have to keep the phone at your house and he’ll only be able to use it when he’s with you. She can buy her other kids their own phones. Yours wasn’t bought for them.

That’s what DH is considering, but the main reason he bought it was so he could speak to SS when they’re not together…

SS is upset at the thought of the phone being removed so we’d be the bad guys too.

Keep the good phone at yours. Get SS a very basic no fun to play with one to message his dad on.

This

The only thing you can do is get a little basic brick and keep the smart phone at yours. That goes with anything else that stepson wants to keep nice.

He won't be that age forever. It's sort of grit your teeth and get through it type of thing.

Absolutely get him a boring old brick phone for taking home. Don’t let his mother spoil this for him.

This needs nipping in the bud. The phone and the guitar were for DH’s child not the others. If ex wants them to have stuff she should pay herself when they are an appropriate age. The business of the guitar is heartbreaking. My husband’s ex used to pass on clothing, ie everything dcs ever needed and more to her younger children. Most annoying. No way would this ‘sharing’ be tolerated!

This. Poor kid.

Tell her you don't care what 'her culture' is in Her home with things she buys, but the things your DH (&you) buy are for HIS child, not her other children!

That's very frustrating. I would keep the phone at yours or it will get broken. Communicate in writing with the mum to ask her not to take away dss' personal property to give to her other dc.

Phone would stay at mine and I'd replace the one that goes to his mums with a plain basic one. You pay for it, god knows what an 8 year old (who has already been messaging and phoning obviously unsupervised) will be accessing or billing (depending on if the phone is contracted or not of course).
I'd make sure SS knows it absolutely isn't a punishment and that you are keeping the phone safe and in good condition for his use only. The guitar situation is upsetting and I really feel for SS. It sounds like a shit situation, especially for an older child sharing with a little one who can't or won't look after things carefully.

I would be taking it off him. It will make it more difficult to speak to him but it’s not acceptable for others to use it when you are paying for it

Could you set it up with your DH's number as an emergency contact (so it can be accessed without pin/fingerprint/facial recognition etc) and then have DH's fingerprint on it to access everything else?

I’d be giving him the most basic phone you can get for when he’s at home with mum.

Agree with the others, send a dumb phone with him to mums so he can still call Dad. How annoying that she's spoiling it for him.

WOW that is not ok. Imagine the social anxiety he must feel, his young sibling sending gibberish texts. How awful. Poor kid. “Culture of sharing” ffs! What an annoying person she must be

I hear what you’re all saying but it’d be a punishment to remove the phone now.

As it’s a smart phone he can also use it to do homework apps (which his mum never helps with) which wouldn’t be possible with a brick.

If we’d known this would happen, we wouldn’t have got the phone, obviously, but it’s there now and removing it from SS would be unkind to him.

Can't you buy him a basic non smart phone for calls and texts? It will hopefully then be so boring no one wants to play with it, but he can contact his dad? They are like under 20 on Amazon, my dad still uses one.

If it's a smartphone make his finger print his password - or would his mum make him open it for his siblings?
Could an option be to keep the smart phone at yours and send him with a brick to mum's but get him a new, shiny guitar to keep at yours to soften the blow?
Actually thinking about it, is it on contract in his dad's name? If so it is his dad's property (especially if you can prove he is still paying for it) so I would definitely be threatening mummy dearest with court/police if she didn't stop being a knob! They probably won't do anything but might make her think!

I imagine it won’t be long before the SS decides he would prefer to live with his dad. I never can understand why parents can’t see that their children are getting older and need to be treated differently from their younger siblings.

I suppose she shares all her stuff does she? Her lipstick can’t last long with an eight year old sharing it.

We’ve told her all the passcodes so she can control things like screen time at her house, as this seemed like the responsible and mature thing to do (I wouldn’t want someone else controlling a device for my kids in my home either).

We don’t get SS or the phone back until next weekend so can’t do anything until then.

Ironically she rarely lets SS make calls to his dad on her phone, and never for homework apps. So the “culture of sharing” seems to exclude anything owned by her, and primarily covers anything owned by us/SS.