What would you make of this?

[AvaAvatar]

We got SS10 a phone for Christmas. Have been in contact with his mum about it, she agreed, no issues were raised, we agreed we’d put screen time limits and no TikTok and that we’d pay etc etc etc.

SS went back yesterday and today, DH got a stream of gibberish texts over about an hour, and his calls were declined, and when DH eventually got hold of SS’s mum she said it was her daughter’s turn with the phone so she’d been texting everyone. The daughter is 8 and not DH’s. Apparently their household has a “culture of sharing” and all her kids will get to use the phone equally. SS sounds annoyed but resigned and doesn’t want DH to take the phone away.

I tend to keep out of issues with SS’s mum because it’s not my circus, but:

YANBU - WTF, no, it’s SS’s phone
YABU - her house, her rules

It won’t be a punishment because he’ll still have a phone. You’re not removing. You’re just taking back done control from his mother who clearly doesn’t like it because she didn’t think of it first so wants to sabotage it.

Agree with this.
It's not a punishment- he will have a plain phone for home, but also a nice, well kept one that is still his (and only his) at your house. You could even get an older or second hand smart phone, it doesn't need to be a brick.

From your updates, I think your DH needs to speak to his ex and explain that the phone is just for DSS and not for sharing. That if she would prefer him to have certain times without it (eg bedtime) or feels she needs to take it off him to check it, then that's fine but its not OK for other people to use it. If she's not OK with that then its fine to keep it at your house so it doesn't cause a a problem

No it’s his, bought for him & you are paying the bill.

Who's going to pay for it fixed when it's broken? My exh bombarded 3 under 7s with tech. When they brought stuff to my house it was put away so younger siblings couldn't access it or it be me expected to have them fixed...
I couldn't even afford WiFi when I left him!!
Sorry but no 10 yo needs a smart phone.

I was wondering just what possessions of his younger siblings that SS gets to share, or would want to share...seems a bit of a one sided arrangement to me.

Poor boy.

So his Mum and Step Dad essentially annexe his stuff to let his step and half siblings use?

The emotional implications for this are upsetting.

Poor boy.

Dreadful about the guitar. Could he have a guitar that is kept at your house? And he and his Dad learn together?

But I agree, you can’t stop him taking his phone to his Mum’s.

Well she's putting the nail in the coffin of her relationship with her son. He will resent her for the rest of his life

I also don’t think his relationships with his half siblings won’t be great/non-existent either in the future if all the half/step siblings are learning is to steal his stuff, trash his stuff, and ruin his life (cancelled guitar lessons) just because they fancy it. Look at the horrible mother too - says everyone shares, but only the SS shares. So the SS can see lies and mean attitudes right there.

Does the mother share nice posh chocolate biscuits? Her lipstick? vibrator? Perfume? - of course they don’t share everything in that household.

In the spirit of sharing I would suggest you share the bill - she may change her mind then

Definitely this.

How often do you see SS? I agree with keeping the phone at yours especially as he can only use it for an hour a day anyway? He won’t get a look in at his mum’s, his hour will easily be used up by the other kids.

How did you phone / communicate with him before? Get him a pay as you go type brick phone for calls and messaging and let him use the nice one when he comes over?

I’d cancel the contract.

If you did keep the phone at yours you could tell his Mum that he doesn’t need it at her house because he can share hers…

Yes for me the guitar is actually worse than the phone, and that’s bad enough! The guitar was such a lovely present that’s been spoiled .

Have you made a plan what to say? New year new start and all that, Buy him another guitar and sort him with lessons if you can manage it. He should be respected as an individual. Not lumped in with the other kids and their very different needs. Good luck .

I'm not really sure why you thought that your SS siblings wouldn't have use of his phone if they've had use of everything else you've purchased for him.

Do I agree, absolutely not to me a phone is a personal belonging and unless it's a work phone/parental phone with conditions attached should only be accessed by those it belongs to, but unfortunately that's not how his DM sees it, she has other DC and that old saying MNers like to use "her home her rules".

I'd also be concerned that his siblings have access to any of his friends phone numbers in his phone and if they're sending messages or messing about there too.

Unless you get SS mother on board it looks like your choices are continue as is or as already said talk to him and explain that he leaves the phone at his dads house and you find an old one that can only make calls.

Wow, just wow. You bought the phone for him not them. They have no right to it and 'culture of sharing' is bullshit. I don't know what you can do except get your husband to lay down the law and tell his ex, it's not for her children.

If the phone is a smart phone swap for a basic one explain its for calls only that should stop the sharing.

What sort of controls are you using? Can you access them remotely? Wondering if you can you change the passcodes so his mum can't unlock things and have a system where SS texts you when he needs screen time and you unlock it for however long he needs?

Unless the DD has lots of friends with phones, which seems unlikely at 8, then she'd probably get bored with just texting to random people.

But YANBU to think the phone should be personal and the mum is being totally unreasonable.

Totally agree, so sad about the guitar.