hey so I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can. basically I made a really stupid decision and I had an affair with my ex during autumn winter of this year after struggling with life for a while now, dealing with trauma, feeling stuck and losing hope. I know this is not an excuse for what I did. I’m a married woman with kids so I should know better. I know I’ve been unhappy with my life for so long and I think this whole thing was to get a break from it all. When I reconnected with my ex in the summer I never set out to have an affair and I’m disgusted in myself for doing so. I do love my husband and kids. I know he would be devastated if he ever were to find out.
The crossing of the line started late October. i invited him round to my house very late at night when my husband and kids were at in laws. I was drunk and had been struggling badly that week. I thought my drink was spiked and I needed someone to look after me to make sure I was ok. We cuddled and talked. Instantly I was brought back to my younger carefree days and I really felt at ease with him like it was the most natural thing in the world. We both realised the connection was still there. At this point I should have cooled off. We started talking every day then a couple weeks later we met up again and it crossed over to a full blown affair. We‘d sneak around several times a week. atrong feelings were involved on both sides. We realised we still loved each other. I wasn’t in the right place to upend my life in case it went wrong because I’m not stable on my own. He wanted to get me pregnant so it would make it easier for me to leave.
a few weeks ago his family found out. He still lives with them and they overheard him on the phone to me and confronted him. We decided that it’s best to end it and to give me time to either rebuild my marriage or leave. I think that’s for the best but I’m really struggling with the whole thing because I miss him so much it hurts. I think about the child we could have had too. I picture a beautiful daughter with dark hair just like him. I picture us being a happy family but I know that can never happen because I don’t have rights to my own house and I’m not successful. My in laws were nasty to me at Christmas and I so badly wanted to see my ex but couldn’t. I keep looking at old photos of us and wishing he was as mature as he is now back then because we would have never broken up.
other stuff has happened lately. He was nasty to me when I was really struggling 2 weeks ago and told me that I’ll never go far in life. that same day my mother in law was nasty and implied that I wasn’t a good mom. After everything that happened I wanted to not be here anymore that day. He has since apologised and he said those things out of hurt and anger.
what do I do? On one hand I want to rebuild my marriage but on the other I want to leave to be with my ex.