To ask how you think this divorce may look?

[Questionstoask]

• 3 children under the age of 6
• DH earns £260,000 per year roughly. This has increased since our relationship began.
• Married for 2 years
• Relationship of 10 years in total
• Property equity of £400,000
• SAHM since our youngest was born
• House deposit came entirely from DH
• DH works abroad for 1 week per month.
• savings of approx £100k.

I know I need to speak this through with a solicitor.
Extremely likely DH will give near enough full custody to me (6 days per week).

Looking for thoughts and experiences of anyone else who’s been in a similar position.

Absolutely . My exh moved abroad to avoid paying CM . Very high earner but invested money in other stuff which went tits up .
Retired back home ( once DC were independent adults) and has a very modest life on State Pension.

Also people are assuming it’s the OP asking for/wanting the divorce but it could be her husband. She may not have much choice about getting divorced at this moment in time.

Yes I got the mortgage on the basis of court ordered maintenance. It was hard to find a lender and in fact there was only one who would lend, and only on unfavourable terms (a 5 year fixed term at 5%, which was higher than normal at the time and especially a couple of years later when the Lehman Brothers crash happened and rates tumbled but I was locked in for another 2-3 years.

With a 1 year old and uncertainty as to whether I’d be offered a job on qualification as a lawyer, I did argue that the SM should be for longer than 2 years but the judge thought differently.

Yes I bet it was hard to find a mortgage and I think the OP would struggle to get one which is why I think they would give her enough to get something mortgage-free, which there is enough liquid capital for her to do. Sounds like you had quite a harsh judge as 2 years is not a lot of time at all but I’m glad it worked out for you.
The CMS minimum would be nearly 30k per annum so if she gets a mortgage free house she’d likely be fine although it’s in her interest to get back to work soon as, like you found, her husband might lose/quit his job.

You need to get a job and work regardless if ‘wanting’ to stay at home til the youngest is 5

Honestly I'd be worried for the op after such a short marriage . Depending on how shitty he wants to be he could argue that the majority of the equity in pension/house was built up outside of the relationship and should be ring fenced. Judges seem to hate sm these days and is awarded very rarely. I think any judge would probably expect the op to work once's youngest is 2 in his settlement calculations.
Op, if you think there's any chance he will play hardball then I would try and stick it out for another couple of years.

She got spousal maintenance 20yrs ago.

You may as well tell OP she'll find a nice house for £60k if we're advising on what happened in 2005.

As PP says, mesher orders and spousal maintenance aren't a thing anymore. Yes, once in a blue moon. These aren't particularly exceptional circumstances. OP is going to be told to get a job. Not tomorrow, no. But by the time the divorce goes through? Yep. She'll get given a little house, which all four of them will have to live in. She'll live off a mix of child support, benefits and then whatever she does to support herself. Plus, spousal maintenance is deducted from UC pound for pound. She'd actually be quite silly even to apply for it.

Again, as PP says, if the divorce is her idea it's a pretty daft one. If it's not her idea, she needs to start working out what she's going to do to support herself because divorce is no longer the gravy train it was for women once upon a time. Courts want clean breaks and independence as priorities.

Frankly, I'd be shitting myself in OPs position. Unless she's far North/Scotland, £300k buys very little house. And this has to have three kids and an adult in it. Living in it Vs being squeezed into it will make a lot of difference to daily lives. Then she's got to run it. And support 3DC. He could quit his job tomorrow and go self employed, so she can't bank on living off child maintenance for the next decade, and even at the potential current amount, £2k a month is less than what someone on minimum wage earns. Again, never say never, but unless GP are on the doorstep to have the kids a lot, she's not got the option of getting out to start dating and meeting someone, and then they need to want to become a SD to three small children. Although the ex has offered 1 night a week, maybe that will help.

Circumstances as to how all this came about are fairly critical.

The other question I would have is how are the £260k earnings made up? Is a large chunk of that commission/ non guaranteed bonus? As an example, in a sales job £90k base with a £180k OTE (not guaranteed) but reaching £260k would not be unusual, but the only part of that you can really count on is the £90k. Though if you were below about £150k regularly, you’d probably be getting sacked. If the full £260k is the actual salary, that may well make things different.

There is a post somewhere where the OP says they want to see their position before deciding what to do.
If divorce is one among a range of options, I would personally be looking at all the other options first. I say that as a single parent for many years. I do like my autonomy, but I have a salary which supports me and DC. In OP’s position, I would start to work towards a level of financial autonomy first. Amicable may become not so amicable when the husband realises how much he financially will lose - he may be financially illiterate but his solicitor will not be. The winners will be the lawyers.

I don’t think anyone has said anything about a Mesher order. Do you even know what one is?

Op I just saw you’re only married two years, what happened in the marriage?

Or she could accept she has contributed fuck all in terms of finance to the relationship, get a job and amicably agree a reasonable monthly allowance to pay his share of the costs of having children instead of her being grabby and trying to screw him for every penny?

Well the three children will, inconveniently, need a roof over their heads and their father who spends one quarter of his time abroad will be unable to provide care for them.

Screw him for every penny?

I may have contributed fuck all in terms of finance but DH would not have been able to do his job and earn the money he does if it weren’t for me staying at home with our (very much wanted by us both) children. His job would not accept any kind of flexible working and he would not use a nanny.

I’m certain that if it comes to it, we would be able to agree on something together. He isn’t someone who will start hiding money away. I just wanted to know what should happen in an absolute worst case scenario that things became less amicable and it went to court. I don’t actually think this would happen.

My main thought was that there isn’t enough equity to buy two small houses. So what would be awarded? As the children would stay with me but the money would come from a house owned by DH. Would we be expected to pay for rent out of the maintenance from DH?

Nothing to do with trying to screw every penny.

I used £260k as a round number. It’s a £150k base with a monthly bonus. The past 10 years his full year’s earnings ranged from £220-320k

Perhaps we BOTH want me to be a SAHM?

Thanks, this is really helpful.

Try reading the thread...

Funnily enough, yes. As do most people.

The first consideration will be the children and the need to house them. If there’s not enough capital to buy two properties outright, the court will also take account of mortgage capacity. I think you’d really struggle to get a mortgage based on maintenance payments and it would have to be long term and court-ordered for the bank to see it as income. Having a mortgage would also increase your income needs and therefore need for spousal maintenance in the short term. So I’d expect for you to get enough to buy a mortgage free house (assuming this can be done for around 400k) and he can get a mortgage for his house. You could make some enquiries with mortgage brokers to check but I think it would be hard. You would need to take steps to get back to work though, unless he’s happy to pay for you to stay at home or unless you can manage on child maintenance only.

The guiding principle in this sort of case would be needs, with priority given to the housing needs of the party with care of the children.

You'll get a small house. There's not much of a pot to divvy up and provide for 3 children's housing. So yes, unless you live in the Highlands, a pretty small house that you all fit in but not much more. You'll live on child support, benefits and the job you're going to have to get unless you want to seriously struggle. Bear in mind, the child support can disappear overnight.

He'll keep whatever left over and probably put it down as a deposit on whatever house he wants to buy for himself.

If he likes the flash life and burns through pay packet to pay packet so he can be seen in a nice car or go on luxury holidays, see how long things stay amicable when your child maintenance payment starts cramping his style. The fact only £150k is salary, is bad news too. You'll have to apply for variations through CMS or he could just have his bonus diverted to car schemes etc.

You need to get a grip of what's happening here, because you've sat at home for 6yrs, no judge will care about you thinking you should carry that on for the next 18. You can live a comfortable life in a small house, the bills will be small, you'll get plenty of benefits because of your 3 children, but you won't be driving anything fancy. Just a very normal life.

Lovely, you have a newborn and two more who are not much older. Your hormones are going to be all over the place at the moment, plus sleep deprivation etc and perhaps not feeling that you have your own identity any more.
I would give things time to settle down before you progress anything. I would also be thinking about what it is about him / his behaviour that makes you want to leave him. If he's not aware then it's impossible to fix.
I would be looking to establish yourself in a career with your own earning potential so that you aren't as dependent on him.

Solicitor will request full.financial disclosure so get as much evidence as you can.
Child support will.be calculated based on earnings and id guess savings and equity in house split fairly. A solicitor will.calculate. id suggest you get a job in the meantime, for your.own peace of mind.

WTF is with the hostility? OP has facilitated her exH’s career by raising the children full time. He wouldn’t have half of what he has if she didn’t sacrifice her career.

Anyway, back to the OP, @Questionstoaskyou haven’t gone into detail of the marriage breakdown, but could you wait at all? You do seem to be in a very vulnerable position with very young children including a newborn. Divorces take a long time to go through and you’re going to lose access to your husband’s salary. Is there a possibility of staying together a couple more years while you get back on your feet in your career and build up some personal savings to see you through the divorce process? Any family nearby who could support you?

As I said in my earlier post, yes I got spousal maintenance after my first divorce 20 years ago; and I ALSO got spousal maintenance after my second divorce which was finalised last year (after we split in 2023). After the first divorce I was in a similar situation to the OP. After the second divorce I was earning 6 figures. In both scenarios I got spousal maintenance for a short time. The basis for it in both instances was that I had been the primary carer, had made career sacrifices to be the primary carer, and needed a period of grace to get my career back onto the faster track for progression.

Spousal maintenance is a thing. It can be avoided by giving the financially weaker party more of the capital, if there is enough for that. If the paying party doesn’t want to sacrifice capital, spousal maintenance can be awarded (or agreed).