To ask how you think this divorce may look?

[Questionstoask]

• 3 children under the age of 6
• DH earns £260,000 per year roughly. This has increased since our relationship began.
• Married for 2 years
• Relationship of 10 years in total
• Property equity of £400,000
• SAHM since our youngest was born
• House deposit came entirely from DH
• DH works abroad for 1 week per month.
• savings of approx £100k.

I know I need to speak this through with a solicitor.
Extremely likely DH will give near enough full custody to me (6 days per week).

Looking for thoughts and experiences of anyone else who’s been in a similar position.

Our spending is enormous. Mostly on holidays, luxury cars, prep school. It’s anonymous on here so I’m not fussed at being so open. It’s a big issue in our marriage and has contributed towards the breakdown.

thank you. I want to see what sort of position I’d be in before deciding what to do. My main fear is having nowhere to live with the children and losing custody.

No he isn’t.
yes mostly.

what are you not telling us about why the mother might not have the kids living with her. (Custody is outdated as terminology)

This may not be helpful for you, but let me tell you the life of a single parent is physically and emotionally tough, lonely as hell and very expensive.

I say this as someone who is ultra independent, fearless in most situations and I earn very well for me and DC. My marriage ended five years ago and at times I wish I didn't jump to LTB. Also don't overly rely on MN, please talk to people IRL.

Everything you own between you goes into a pot
which include luxury things ie, cars (bmw,mercs,Audi) pension house(equity)
All assets are added up, this is where the trading takes place
ie house 400k
Pension 150k
so 200k each , 75k pension
pension could be traded for 75k in house and he keeps his pension . So you end up with 275k
If you’ve both got high end cars paid for
you could each keep one each.
you would also get maintenance for 3 children
plus you would have the child benefit because you have them 6 days .
you would also probably get universal credit

If he’s not going to have them overnight then he doesn’t need a 3 bed house !!

There mostly amicable at the beginning till the
££££ then all hell breaks lose and true colours start to show

you can get half hour free appointments with some solicitors (ask first on phone)
write you priority questions down
ask about price - per hour, per letter , per phone call as this amounts to ££££
see if you can get legal aid

It is possible to just get a divorce via solicitors
and if he is after sitting down and adding up every asset willing to trade

Are you a guy asking or a woman ? Above post had confused me

Who initiated divorce or was it mutually agreed and who is the person who is spending so much ?

There is the usual start at 50/50 and then negotiations, some of my friends are getting divorced and it’s taking years due to quibbling over assets. These are long marriages of at least 23 years and longer. Only one marriage is really big earning and they both earn 120k plus.

What has become apparent is the huge outlay for advice if stuff starts to get nit picky. One friend has spent almost 4k on fees so far. Another has a DH who could get posted overseas with his company and has said he will to evade CSM.

Just lawyer up but in the cases where the women have left the men it’s got incredibly vicious regarding money.

The best advice here is to not be contemplating divorce with a newborn.

Given it’s a short marriage, it will be entirely needs-based. Probably enough to buy a suitable property outright plus generous spousal maintenance to allow for retraining/return to work within the next few years. You can ask for top-up child maintenance (school fees etc) on top of the CMS calculation (as he earns above the maximum where they calculate). Tbf you will probably be able to be a SAHM on the child maintenance if you rein in the spending.

It’s a very short marriage. That will be taken into account. You need to get proper financial advice.

My parents divorced when my brother and I were teenagers and my dad wanted my mum to have as little as possible but also didn’t want her to have any of his pension. Even the vile divorce lawyer he appointed couldn’t get him both so my mum got more than the equity in the house because he wouldn’t ’let that vile bitch have hold of my balls for the rest of my working life’.
And yes I wish I didn’t know this…

More of the equity, sorry.

The other thing is there is no such thing as legal aid anymore unless there is proven domestic violence.
As someone above has said, all assets go into a pot and then the negotiating starts. Because of his salary you might be entitled to spousal maintenance. I was married for 4 years, together 8 years, ds was 2 years old. The monetary split didn't give me enough to buy a house as I had no means of raising a mortgage. Ex also got it written into the financial settlement that I had to be working 18 hours a week or more before he would be paying anything. He was on an 80k salary, I was a SAHM but had kept a very low wage very part time job.
Child arrangements can be sorted between you. If he's looking at 1 day in 7 it's highly unlikely he's looking for full custody! Have a look at the child maintenance checking to find out how much maintenance he would need to pay. Arrangements for the new born would likely be little and often especially if breastfed.
Most likely the pot would be split 70/30 in your favour as he wouldn't need a large property.

Please don't give hopes of spousal maintenance. It's not a thing anymore. Not on £260k a year anyway.

And whilst they will take into account the prior relationship, how much of that was cohabiting?

The fact you both spend like millionaires when only one of you works, and you've got multiple kids, is going to count for nothing, you both need to grow up. It's not sustainable nor realistic.

Work out what your child maintenance will be.

Go for equity now instead of pension later.

You'll get about £300-400k to buy a place. Then child maintenance. You'll be needing a job in 5yrs when the newborn goes to school. And a serious plan for looking after yourself when the maintenance drops off child by child then ends.

I’ll bet my mortgage his pension is much bigger than £150k. He quite possibly has it offshore (Isle of Man and Guernsey are highly probable).
unless you don’t plan on getting old then you absolutely must care about his pension. At least half may be yours. Get some decent legal and financial advice NOW. A divorce lawyer won’t necessarily be a pensions expert, you may need to meet with one separately. Trust me 55 comes around quicker than you think.

Honestly OP, unless there is domestic violence at play here you would be absolutely stupid to divorce him now.

I know MN loves nothing more than to bear witness to the breakdown of a marriage, to tell women that they will be so much happier without him, how the children will be happier growing up in a house without him etc etc, but the reality is far far different.

You’ve only been married for two years.

DH paid most of the deposit for the house.

You weren’t earning when you got married, so time as a SAHM isn’t going to be taken into account, you won’t be given credit for the fact that you decided to give up work which enabled him to further his career, you already weren’t working, and although the children are both of yours they were born prior to marriage and as such if you’d split before being a SAHM would have made 0 difference.

Spousal maintenance is no longer a thing, or at the very least it is extremely rare for it to be granted, similarly mesher orders.

Any equity you’re given will count against you if you’re applying for universal credit, similarly if you put money towards a house you won’t be entitled to housing benefit.

You’ll need to go back to work as you won’t be able to afford to live on UC alone, and at that point you’ll have to shed out several thousand a month for childcare given the number of kids you have.

And being a single parent is lonely. Forget meeting someone else with three kids you have permanent residency of, forget having a social life at all in fact.

Just after having a baby is not the right time to be making such earth shattering decisions, not unless you absolutely have to.

I think it would be better to try and address the marital issues, if there is no abuse, addiction or infidelity. I mean, divorce is just going to add to your costs.

If your eldest is only at pre-prep now, with fees that will rocket for prep school and even more in seniors, are you expecting your husband’s salary to cover school fees for all three children through to 18?

My eldest had to go back into state education when we separated as it was impossible to guarantee affording school fees for the younger two as well, while buying himself another house and continuing to pay the mortgage on the family home, where the children and I remained.

If he has been an employee his statutory pension contributions surely have been high, let alone any additional contributions he may have made? It doesn’t sound correct.

You certainly won’t be eligible to half his total pension with such a short marriage. You’ll be able to argue for 50% of the pension accrued during your marriage only and I would expect he could also reclaim his initial deposit for house purchase prior to split of equity. Is this divorce wanted by both parties? He may be generous, if he wants you and the children to be comfortable so he can leave without hassle and keep dignified etc. I have a couple of male friends that did exactly that. Gifted the mother the home they were raising their children in and their car and they kept their pensions and just restarted again. That way they didn’t feel bad about leaving the marriage. I would rethink divorce and see whether a way forward together couldn’t be something that could be worked on. Otherwise you’re not in a great position financially.

Starting point is 50/50 of all assets (including pensions). The length of your relationship will be taken into account and as you have children and have been the main carer and a sahm that will also be taken into account. I’d see a sol for some general advice, they won’t give in depth advice without full financial disclosure. They might say if they think you could aim for more than a 50/50 split, possibly 60/40 and advise re spousal.

You could use entitled.com to calculate if you would get Universal Credit, but if you’d have savings after the divorce this would decrease what you’re entitled to, to potentially nothing. You may get CM and spousal with him being a high earner.

It is still a thing and definitely a possibility where there’s very high income but low assets.

Please get proper legal advice and it's very rare to get a free half an hour. Talk to citizen advice. Your main issue is how short your marriage is. Honestly as your youngest is newborn and no domestic violence can you still live together for now.

Just out of curiosity, who has an issue with the spending? You, or your DH? I’m usually quite trigger happy with an ol’ LTB but in your case, you seem
woefully unprepared and, dare I say it, a bit naive, especially about things like pensions. You need to give yourself a chance to get over having a newborn, get yourself into work, and get some more
miles on your marriage. Work smarter, not harder! What are the reasons for the proposed split?

Sorry but I would hold tight, sort a budget, reduce spending, increase mortgage payments and savings and pensions and see how things are in a year or 2. As a SAHM with low earning potential your standard of living for you and the children will drop hugely if you leave such a high earner..