AIBU to think DD is sooo unbelievably lazy and wants constant entertainment

[CandyColouredEggshells]

I guess I’m wondering if it’s me/her or if all kids of this generation are like it?

I’m a single parent and I don’t think it’s helped by the fact that her dad has far too much money and they never seem to just chill at his, they’re always going to the shopping centre, bowling, cinema, theme parks, water parks, weekends away. And we’re not on good terms so I can’t ask if she leaves everything in a mess at his house, I can ask but he’ll either ignore me or tell me it’s because I’m a shit parent.

But DD is 10 and I feel like she’s constantly asking me what we’re doing next, what we’re doing tomorrow etc, and she will literally go to her room, switch the light on and not draw curtains, be doing something in there and one of her friends will phone her, she’ll come down leaving lights on and curtains open and sit in the living room (the wi-fi’s better for calls) and then turn the light on downstairs, will make herself a drink and get herself a bag of crisps or whatever and never take the empty glass or wrapper into the kitchen.

I feel like I’m forever asking her to come back here and put her shoes away, put her dirty clothes in the washing but it never gets any better. Just this afternoon I’ve been putting away the Christmas tree and she didn’t want to help, I asked her to hold the fairy lights whilst I tried to untangle them to put them away and she huffed and asked how much longer she had to stand here?

She’s incredibly sweet in lots of other ways and really thoughtful and polite so it just baffles me tbh.

I've got a 10 yr old and he needs a lot of direction/asking but he does do it. He doesn't have a phone though.

He loves playing with lego and cars and will happily spend hours on the trampoline and in the garden with a football so I don't have the entertainment issue at all.

I think you just need to keep up with your expectations and standards.

You can't control how things work on her dad's time so try to disregard that and focus on how you want your house to run. Set up some guidelines about throwing rubbish away, switching lights off to help the environment if that motivates her. Think about what does motivate her, and also praise her for the thoughtfulness you mention. Look for things you can do together that get you out but are less expensive (stating the obvious, but..) if you got cinema passes for both of you it'd be about 40 a month total but then you could go as much as you wanted. But she will need to tidy up and switch the lights off first!

The leaving lights on/not putting packets away is just par for the course with pre-teens/teens (unless they're naturally very tidy). She will get there, but you'll need to nag for another circa 8 years and then she'll probably need to live on her own before she really, properly realises (potentially even have her own kids who do it before she REALLY knows where you're coming from).

The constantly asking what's going to happen next is reasonable on her part. She's at the age where she cares about what's happening, but has absolutely no power to influence it so it's a bit annoying/anxiety inducing for them. Just tell her what the plan for the next few days is. It doesn't need to be full of activity and adventure it can be... 'Sunday morning we're at home, you'll need to entertain yourself. Then we'll go for a walk after lunch for about an hour and after that you can invite a friend over around 3pm who can stay for tea'.

Learning to plan and manage her time and calender is a vital skill so it's actively good for her to be given the schedule ahead of time and be expected to be ready for each thing as it comes along. If you get her to write it down you can also point her back to it if she keeps asking.

She does have a phone, which I always feel a touch defensive over but it is what it is, but the Christmas tree huffing she was colouring, so it’s not like she doesn’t want to do anything except have her head in a screen.

I got in trouble for leaving lights on and not putting dishes next to the sink back in the 90's, so I suspect it's more of a 10yo thing then a generational thing.

Could the asking about what your doing next/tomorrow, be just a request for information, not an expectation to be doing somethingexciting. My DS can be anxious, so likes to know what we're doing in advance, but it's absolutely fine for me to say "we're having an at home day"

I think you’re right and I am just a bit prickly over it because I never do but I feel like saying we’re doing nothing this weekend, I’m trying to figure out how to make my paycheque get us to the end of the month, so if you could turn the flipping lights off it’d probably help. Meanwhile her dad has a LOT of disposable income to entertain her.

I am getting better with things, like I bought an annual pass for somewhere last year and took packed lunches so it literally cost the petrol, January is just a hard month isn’t it?!

I’m struggling to understand the problem - she sounds like a completely normal ten year old to me. Just wait till she get to 14!

Ok, starting to get from this I may be being unreasonable lol.

Think it’s just a mixture of her being so thoughtful in lots of ways but when it’s just me and her and I’m trying to put all the decks away and she’s huffing for having to hold something I’m irritated 😂

And I feel like I’m worried she’ll get bored of coming here because we chill at home, watch tv and maybe visit relatives at a weekend, and she’s constantly asking what we’re doing next and it’s my own insecurity wishing we could do more extravagant stuff.

You actually don't need to entertain kids. If she says she's bored give her a list of chores she could do and she'll miraculously find something to do.

I think with the lights it might be failing to let her know that was the plan.

If she was colouring then she was engaged in a task. Now to you it might not be considered as important a task as putting the decorations away (it isn't), but it will be to her. I bet it she asks you to help her when you're in the middle of something you might ask her to wait or tell her you can't right now. She can't do that, so she stops what she's doing but is then grumpy.

If you'd said in the morning "this afternoon we need to put the decorations away" she'd be prepared and perhaps less moany (although no guarantees, she is still a tween!). But she would at least know what was expected.

My eldest always likes to know what we’re doing. She’s 11 and it seems a control thing. Over breakfast give her an idea of the day’s plans that will probably do the job. I also have to remind endlessly about dirty laundry, towels on the floor etc. I don’t think it’s unusual at this age.
I think at 10 she will understand the difference between your house and dad’s house so I wouldn’t try to match the spending. More importantly do stuff she enjoys with her.

A 10 year old doesn't need a phone, that won't be helping the situation at all

I always tell my 15yo DD what we're doing, even if it's mundane, because then when I'm still relaxing on the sofa, she'll say "I thought we were sorting out my bedroom" or whatever, in that classic way that teens do, and that way it feels like her suggestion, not mine.
Gotta play them at their own game!

I'm really unclear what the problem is.

Why does she need to close her curtains when leaving a room?

She does entertain herself because she was colouring when you called her away to help with the lights.

I don't see any evidence at all that she's lazy. She isn't failing to turn lights off because it's a huge effort but because she's 10. She doesn't want to do boring household tasks because she's 10. Her only crimes seem to be being 10...

How about getting a calendar and marking on it what you are doing? Even chilling at home, or what's for tea? Maybe she just needs to see how things will pan out.

My AuDHD daughter does exactly this all day everyday. I have tried everything to help her stop doing this but she will always default to leaving a trail of mess in her wake.

I know she struggles with demands and executive dysfunction but I have made allowances for this and given her tools to succeed but we’ve made little progress. She’ll sometimes bring her plates into the kitchen but that’s it.

I do think it’s pretty normal to be like this as a kid. But you’d hope things would improve as they get older. I’m still waiting 🥴

Tell her - next time she comes downstairs leaving it looking like Blackpool illuminations upstairs -you interrupt her phone call.

Politely ask her to end call now as you need to speak to you. Then ask for the phone.

Once in your hand you direct her to go upstairs, turn all the lights out etc and then she an resume her phone call

yes she will roll her eyes or moan or stomp etc - but done a few times she will ‘remember’ what to do when her phone rings if she doesn’t want to be interrupted.

don’t passively accept this behaviour. If she leaves crisp packets. She is directed to go and get them and put them in the bin.

you have to teach her - she will hate you for it - as that’s what preteens / teens do - but how on earth will she ever learn unless you challenge her snd get her to correct her mistakes until they become automatic habits?

set up a family calendar so she can see if you’re visiting auntie Mary etc or doing chores etc then if she asks what are we doing now - redirect her to the calendar and / or remind her if it’ free time. Can even have a list of ‘free time activities’ for at home in the fridge such as reading, listening to music, drawing, craft, music practice, playing in the garden, etc so if she’s bored there are ideas of what she can do. Learning to self entertain is such a useful skill - help her to cultivate it.

You can do stuff that isn’t expensive. Quality time stuff. Id personally limit the phone.

Entirely your fault. Stop asking her and start telling her
Actually it's probably too late but at 10 still worthwhile trying

Normal 10 year old behaviour imo. I remember constantly getting told to put my glass in the sink, move wrappers, and then the lights off! Those things just don't register as important to you at that age, and it's perfectly normal to huff a bit when your parents ask you to do something a bit boring.

Unless she's naturally very tidy, she will grow out of it when she moves out and the cleaning fairy vanishes and she has to pay her own electricity bill.

For now, just be persistent. If she leaves a light on, make sure she goes up and turns it back off. Ignore the huffing and eye rolls.

Take the phone away and don’t give it back until she’s of an age appropriate to have a phone (like 14). Let her be a 10 year old. It’s fine for kids to be bored. They get used to not being bored when they have iPads and phones constantly available so that they never have to be alone with their thoughts/read a book/play games. You might find that she becomes a bit more engaged in domestic life with a bit more “boredom”.

My DD was the same at 10. I don't think it's unusual, just make sure you prompt her to do it every time rather than do it for her and she will eventually get into the routine of doing it herself. Mine always wanted to be doing something too. So did I at that age, the difference was when I was that age I just needed to go outside and I'd soon find friends to do something with but kids don't seem to play out anywhere near as much these days.

I’d say she sounds like a typical 10yo.

Even my teen will turn lights on and not draw curtains.

I think you need to relax a bit.

If she’s bored perhaps start going for long walks and then when you get home tell her to entertain herself.

"Im a single parent"....no you're not. Her dad is in her life, you co-parent

Nope, I’m single, and I’m a parent.

Sorry but I sort all the stuff like school uniforms, paying for and getting her a place at dance class, dropping her off at rehearsals for shows, opticians appointments, dentist appointments, haircuts, winter coats, insisting she washes her hair because she obviously hasn’t when she’s been with her dad, washing her pe kit in the holidays, applying for secondary school. All the time trying to deal with someone who ignores me when the only reason I ever contact him is something to do with DD.

He has her overnight 50% of the time, and because of that doesn’t pay me any maintenance. But we do not co-parent.