AIBU to think DD is sooo unbelievably lazy and wants constant entertainment

[CandyColouredEggshells]

I guess I’m wondering if it’s me/her or if all kids of this generation are like it?

I’m a single parent and I don’t think it’s helped by the fact that her dad has far too much money and they never seem to just chill at his, they’re always going to the shopping centre, bowling, cinema, theme parks, water parks, weekends away. And we’re not on good terms so I can’t ask if she leaves everything in a mess at his house, I can ask but he’ll either ignore me or tell me it’s because I’m a shit parent.

But DD is 10 and I feel like she’s constantly asking me what we’re doing next, what we’re doing tomorrow etc, and she will literally go to her room, switch the light on and not draw curtains, be doing something in there and one of her friends will phone her, she’ll come down leaving lights on and curtains open and sit in the living room (the wi-fi’s better for calls) and then turn the light on downstairs, will make herself a drink and get herself a bag of crisps or whatever and never take the empty glass or wrapper into the kitchen.

I feel like I’m forever asking her to come back here and put her shoes away, put her dirty clothes in the washing but it never gets any better. Just this afternoon I’ve been putting away the Christmas tree and she didn’t want to help, I asked her to hold the fairy lights whilst I tried to untangle them to put them away and she huffed and asked how much longer she had to stand here?

She’s incredibly sweet in lots of other ways and really thoughtful and polite so it just baffles me tbh.

The untidiness etc I think is fairly normal for her age. Mine is 11 and is only now getting needing slightly fewer reminders to tidy up after herself. Just keep on with clear and consistent boundaries and restating your expectations regularly.
As for the constant need to be entertained, the most important this is to put aside any guilt or feelings you might have about not filling every moment of her life with activities. Once you can do that, you can be confident in just leaving her to entertain herself for periods of time without feeling guilty. In fact, it’s essential that you allow her to be bored sometimes. She will learn to fill her time herself and that will encourage creativity. If she needs it, give her some ideas of things she can do, I’m sure there’s plenty. But don’t feel like you always have to make suggestions. If she says to you that she is always doing stuff with dad, all you have to say is ‘that’s his choice and I’m pleased you have fun, but sometimes we need to make our own fun and I’m sure you can think of something’.

Yep all sounds familiar. I am forever making ds1 go back to turn lights off. I don't know how he manages to turn on every single light in the house, but there we are. I also remember my mum constantly telling me, so twas ever thus. Perhaps you can have a conversation every Friday of this is what we are doing over the weekend, so she isn't constantly asking. That can include staying in and entertaining herself.

Sympathies OP because I have a ten year old stepdaughter who is also very messy and starting to get huffy!

When she strops about being bored, I direct her to the bookshelf or to her homework.

Put a shared calendar on her phone and discuss activities together. Loads of stuff is free or cheap: museums, hiking, sleepovers, pamper nights, ParkRun, Guides, swimming at the leisure centre, volunteering.

There are some really positive aspects to your post that I think it’s hard to over look when you are living your day to day life.
Her dad takes her out a lot? Brilliant, less pressure on you and your child has the opportunity to do these things.
Asking what we are doing next? Great she’s actually actively engaging with you- she isn’t just sat in her room.
sounds like you have a real opportunity to set the boundaries and also model the behaviour you expect from her- it’s a hard age and i found the 11-13 years harder- I’m not sure my teen like me simply saw the trail of work she was leaving for me!

This is going to be your life until she moves out. We have the same with my step children. Constantly telling them to pick up after themselves, turn lights off, wash hands, etc…

They are complete slobs - stuff under the bed, dishes in their room.

This is all normal pre-teen and teenage behaviour.

There are consequences; loss of phone, no going out. You will have to set boundaries and maintain them.

my neighbours kids kept leaving their clothes and shoes lying about.

theirmum was sick of it and gave them their last warning. if you don’t put your things away they will be chucked out in the garden. they didnt bother. guess where all their shoes and clothes were when they came home 🤣

they had to bring them all in again but it was their own fault.

i know this doesn't help you teach her to turn lights off (well, it might), but what about smart bulbs? You could turn the lights off yourself from your phone or she could do it from hers? The novelty might help (and you can turn the lights off to help mitigate the bills).

And put loads of bins around the place. Loads. Literally a bin in every corner. She still won't throw anything away (I'm a veteran of five teens), but it does make it slightly more likely if she doesn't have to walk a step ("But I'm tiiiiiirrrrred! It's soooooo unfair!") to put something in the bin.

At 10, she's old enough, imo, to be told that you simply don't have the funds to afford going out all the time, and that's also why you need her to try to remember to turn off the lights, etc, to save electricity and therefore money.

You can come up with ideas for things to do together that don't cost much, but also it's good for kids to learn that in real life people don't usually have exciting outings lined up for every spare moment of your week.

She sounds like a typical 10-year-old (lazy and tending to be 'bored'), but that doesn't mean you should give up on trying to help her improve her attitude where it's lacking.

Have you got house rules? I had house rules that applied to everyone who was in the house such as tidy away your rubbish, stacking dishwasher after eating etc. So these were up in the kitchen so the DC could see them and then I also wrote up on post its the chores they had to do that week. What worked well was allowing them to set their own deadline so rather than saying unstack the dishwasher now, I'd say unstack the dw today. If they hadn't unpacked by dinner then I'd call them down to the table and sit there not serving the dinner as there were no plates because they weren't unstacked!

I’ve struggled with my 10 year old this break too. She’s lovely but can be incredibly irritating and has very high expectations for every day when sometimes I just need to sit down 😂

you just need to continue to parent in the way that you want to, with consequences for her if she doesn't behave.

DD wouldn't pick her stuff up so I put it all in a bin bag. She went mental, but it made her realise that I was serious. I went as far as putting it into the bin and she took it out again.

Take her phone away until she has tidied up, turned off the lights etc etc.

DD was also told that as a single parent, I didn't have the money for expensive days out all the time.

See if you can engage her in board games, let her choose which ones, and have a regular board game session. DD used to love that as an only child.

Wanted to just add a final comment to thank everyone for their replies. I feel better about her behaviour in general and more assured that that’s just kids, I don’t have a lot of friends with kids so sometimes worry I’m doing something wrong.

Am also going to try and reframe the “bored thing” and even if the plan for the weekend is to take the Christmas decks down I’ll tell her that and we can go xyz on Sunday and she needs to entertain herself on Saturday afternoon. Am also going to make an effort to not feel irritated over it. I think some people quite rightly pointed out that I feel guilty I can’t take her out as much as her dad, and I can sometimes feel like I’m being stroppy with her over it when she’s only asking, and I should be glad she gets all these experiences when she is with her dad.

She sounds completely normal 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to adjust your expectations a bit tbh.

My dd is 19yo and I still remind her to turn lights on/off and take plates/bowls out to the kitchen 🤦‍♀️ she is helpful but I tend to have to spell it out to her.

A 10 yo having a phone especially unlimited access to a phone is madness imo.

Tbh lights off nowadays probably has less of an impact nowadays than when we were growing up since they're mostly energy efficient LEDs now. If you left an LED ceiling light on for a whole year it would equate to the carbon emissions of including meat in your diet for a week (I'm not a veggie just putting things in context).

In short, I think you can let a few things slide in terms of norms and expectations. But remind her that turning off the light is a good thing to do, time requests for help for when she isn't engrossed in an activity, and stop overthinking what her dad provides compared to what you can offer