Children and phones/consoles

[Emmashouse]

Wasn’t really sure what to title this, but I feel as though I’m fighting a losing battle.

I have two sons 10yo and 18yo. So have already been through navigating screens/mobile phones/games consoles.

But I feel as though since I went through it all with ds1 it’s all got much worse.

We got ds2 a games console for Christmas last year. I was reluctant but he loves it and it has been really good for his confidence as he plays with his friends. We have it downstairs in the lounge so that we can keep an eye on him.

We gave him one of our old phones when he went into year 6, mainly because he walks home. He’s not really that interested in the phone but inevitably he’s exchanged numbers with school friends.

Anyway on to my point. I have rules, so for example he has to come off his games console at 9pm on school nights and 10pm on weekends. He doesn’t go on it every day because he plays sports.

However most of his friends seem to be allowed to play until whatever time they like even on school nights. As regards the mobile phone lots of the friends are up until 3-4 in the morning, loads of them are on tik tok, Instagram, Snapchat. The WhatsApp groups are awful so I’ve just removed ds. They all watch things like Dexter (they are 10 and 11 years old).

All he parents are nice but I feel as though half of them have taken leave of their senses also ds feels I'm too strict because I have a few rules!

There are so many children at school with behaviour issues, being assessed for ADHD, they have anxiety. Not at all saying these things don’t exist but the lifestyle can’t be helping.

There are one or two parents who completely don’t allow any of these things but their children seem to be left out.

What’s best way to navigate it all?

Not sure how to navigate but I totally agree!

I think your rules sound perfectly reasonable for an 11 year old! Don't worry what his friends are allowed - as my mum used to say when we complained, we'll I'm not their parent, I'm yours and I'm doing what's best for you!

I’ve done a bit of a middle like you. Mine have devices and consoles but also time limits and age limits. We still have “bedtime” and devices away time.

apparently I’m the strictest of parents in my daughter’s Friend group around tech and access, and I thought I was pretty flexible!

I don’t think preventing access altogether is helpful as, as with anything, they need to learn how to manage their access and time. But I agree, it’s a hard line to find.

Only way to navigate it all is ‘you do you’

let others parent as they wish.

but you set the rules for tech in your house.

following the crowd (especially on the word of what a young child says about ‘everyone else’s parents let them’ ) is foolish

explain to your child your rules, your rational for them (you need time to sleep, you need time off screens etc) maybe be more lenient on times allowed at weekends or holidays compared to school nights

you will not win the ‘popularity contest’ by parenting this way - but you will be doing what you need to - parenting them, setting clear boundaries rather than letting them run amok with tech and online with disastrous consequences.

they won’t thank you for it now - but one day eventually when they are grown with their own kids they may understand and respect you for helping them with these boundaries.

My son is 11 and has had a phone for the past year. The only reason he had it was when we were going on a trip to London, I was worried in case we somehow got separated from each other in the crowds and I wanted a way I could track/contact him.

I hadn’t intended him to have one until secondary school, but then it turned out ‘all his friends had one’ so I let him keep it.

I have settings on it that shut off access to his apps between certain hours, and it doesn’t go into his room at night. He’s allowed WhatsApp but no Snapchat or socials, I’m aware his friends have them but so far he’s been ok with not having them and never pushed it.

He’s also aware that although he’s using the phone, it still belongs to me and I have the right to check it whenever I want.

Just stick to what you are doing. I have 2 secondary age children, they are allowed WhatsApp but I don’t allow Snapchat or other social media. They have to come off all screens by a certain time, they aren’t allowed phones charging in their bedrooms, they aren’t allowed to watch things they aren’t old enough for. Some of their friends definitely have different, more lax rules but it’s non negotiable for me!

What's the alternative here though, you remove rules? Then what do you do if your kid is up all night gaming or on a phone? This isn't a viable option in my mind, so of course the rules have to stay.

For what it's worth I think you sound more relaxed than me. My daughter is also in year 6 and has just got a phone for Christmas. It's got 1.5hr time limit and all the restrictions we could put. It's basically a camera that calls and texts at this point! It's not allowed in her room. We have family TV only after 8pm.

Many of her friends seem to have more relaxed rules but that's their look out isn't it. My 8yo has friends with phones, unlimited YouTube, playing Roblox...

The best way is no devices. They are not a necessity. I have a 12yo and a 10yo. They have been told no devices until they are 14, and even then, there will be no social media. I will monitor them through family link or whatever. Not in use before 8am or after 8pm, etc etc.

You only need one rule: don't give a shit about what other parents are doing.

Thanks for the replies. I think I am quite relaxed.

On ds phone it does have limits. He has to request permission to download any apps and it all shuts down in the evening.

At the moment ds isn’t really interested in the phone anyway, or going on social media or anything like that.

But I fear it’s only a matter of time until I have a battle on my hands.

DD is 11 and comes off the ps5 at tea time (usually about half 5) unless her friends are here then she can go on it until they go home at 7 or 8. She has a phone but she has no social media, she's on WhatsApp but it's closely monitored and has 2 friends on it, usually she just messages her dad and myself. Don't worry about what others are doing with their kids.

I think the way to navigate it is by doing exactly what you're doing. I agree that you can't ban these devices entirely as they get left behind in the modern world. But I have never so much as batted an eye at "but all my friends have/do/are allowed XYZ!" My 8yo DD has classmates who have TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube, etc etc (and I do know it's true, it's not just hearsay from her). I couldn't give less of a shit if I'm honest - she's not having it! 😂 As a PP said, I've always said things along the lines of well be that as it may I'm not X's mum, I'm your mum.

You need to parent the way you want to and ignore what other parents do. Mine are 13 and 11, both have a basic Nokia phones for when they’re out without me. Neither are interested in game consoles, we’re not a gaming family. They have iPads but we check them weekly and not allowed in their rooms overnight. No social media, WhatsApp or Snapchat. The content children are being exposed to online is frightening.

Voted yabu because you’ve given what sounds like a smartphone to a 10 year old. He doesn’t need it. WhatsApp is just as bad as other social apps eg it has broadcast channels. How much gaming is allowed per day?

My 11 year old niece got a basic phone for Christmas. It’s not a smart phone and doesn’t have a camera. She can text and call numbers that her parents have approved.
In fact it’s probably identical to the first phone my 28 year old son got about 16 years ago.

It's really hard to navigate, I have a 11 and 9 year old so in the thick of it. We have lots of conversations about suitable use, limits on everything and discussions about blue light and its impact especially on my son as this has definitely caused an issue lately. All screens are off by 8pm, during term time they have access 4-8 but most nights are out at clubs during this time, limits on most apps.
I do feel a change locally my youngest's yr 5 class phones are rare, my daughter in the year above was the minority to not have one in yr 5.
I agree with others - I don't care what others are allowed - I do me! I call myself the mean parent and they know I don't care for the 'but everyone else' argument!

Stick to what you’re doing OP - your kid your approach and any impact from uncontrolled screen time, will be on you to deal with ; so ignore other parents in school etc

FWIW you’re relaxed; we finish all screen time by 8pm in the weekends . On week days there is no gaming , just the phone for half hour after all homework is done. No social media apart from what’s app which is monitored

well done for being all over it x

Your rules sound fine.

we have rules too and other kids don’t, but we stick to ours. We have been relaxed a little in the holidays but going back to normal rules is never fun. I would say stick to your beliefs.

We have the same battle in our house and struggled with this for years….what is the right balance? Who knows!
I’ve done lots of research and stuck to my guns on our time limits providing they all doing well at school, getting all chores and homework done etc.
I still get moaned at by my oldest and feel guilty BUT think it gives a good balance as life isn’t a screen and the kids that have no limits also have no social skills, struggle at school and generally lacking basic human skills.

I do wonder what percentage of children diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, Depression, anxiety etc and school avoidance have unlimited access to screens as bet there will be a link as they are so addictive.

You just have to ignore all the “outdoor noise” of what others do and stick to your guns. You’re more flexible than me with my just turned 11yr old, so I would say you’ve found a middle ground. Our games console is in the lounge, I won’t allow bedrooms as I want to keep bedrooms for sleep/reading/more chill and less stimulation before bed. Obviously I’ll tweak things as he gets older but atm it’s no consoles/iPads etc after 7pm on school nights. No phone yet until he reaches the end of yr6 but I already learned that WhatsApp is crazy with my eldest, I was very naive that WhatsApp would be how it is! I’m still undecided if I’ll even allow it or not when he gets a phone!

Feel sorry for weak parents who havent a clue and thank god your arent like them.

OP my children are almost 15, 16 and almost 18. I have rules around screen time, they get 45 mins 3 days a week. I am stricter than most! I do relax it and they can earn additional screen time by doing extra study/chores/workout etc.
We have no phones in the bedroom, they are all turned off and left in the kitchen at night. No screens after 8pm and no phones in the sitting room (including the adults)

Do they complain? Of course they do occasionally but they are also used to it so they get on with it. I am always told that I am the strictest parent in their friend group but every now and again I hear a story about rules their friend's parents have in place that are also strict.
I feel it is my job to teach them good habits around screens and try to model that behaviour too.

My DS13 is a keener gamer. He is only allowed to game Friday to Sunday and then only 3-4 hours a day and deffo not beyond 5pm on those days - its family cuddle up on the sofa and watch tv time.
His phone has to be left downstairs each night before bed.

DS11 is allowed whatsapp but small friendship groups only, no whole class or year groups etc. I can look at it whenever I like. No Insta or Snapchat.
Phone locks during school hours and between 7pm and 7am. Outside that, 45 mins per day time limit. Pitifully low data allowance so he can't really use it for internet.
Gaming only allowed for an hour or so after school after homework is done.

There's many initiatives to help parents deal with this, we've joined the www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/ and got our little ones school involved, some of his friends parents have signed up too, once he knew he wouldn't be the only one not getting a phone or social media he was fine with it