My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

Not forgiving someone for asking someone into your house uninvited is so bizarre to me. Yes, be angry, yes have words, but to not forgive? Not being able to forgive mostly hurts the person who is unable to - not the person they feel has slighted them.

So no, my imagination isn’t jumping to weird conclusions - clearly yours is!

Wow. This is tedious. He's not living at home.

At 28 is there no public transport to the airport ?
Bus, coach, train ?

@F00dBing0B0x He isn't. It's been discussed several times that he isn't living at home. He's in a house share with his girlfriend's mates which is why he didn't take his Tinder date there and why he thought he'd take the piss out of his family instead.

OP I can absolutely understand your shock and distaste.
He deliberately, opportunistically, went out of his way to cheat.
He's a piece of work.
I would be appalled at it happening in my house and coming home to it when you know he is in a committed relationship, and planning on moving in with her.
I have daughters so I would feel it strongly.
I think you probably have had a really uncomfortable insight to the man he is.
At 28, he is not a boy.

This was no drunken mistake, but premeditated cheating.
No way would I be smiling into the face of that young woman knowing what I know.
Not a chance.

He chose the behaviour, he can deal with the consequences of this occurring in your home.

I would be so disappointed in him.
Whilst of course still loving him, I would be far more cynical about him thats for sure.
He's no prince.

I’d drive my adult sons to the airport if they wanted and they would do the same for me. Neither live at home and neither are cheating bastards either

You are either just nasty by nature or you have a lot of unresolved issues.

The big question surely is, how many people don't read the OP's posts, and the literacy and comprehension issues that pervade so many threads on MN?

@F00dBing0B0x depends where you live how easy it is to get to the airport via public transport

He’s her son.

Not forgiving for lying - that’s a hard line in my household due to considerable childhood trauma and something my children have been raised to understand. Forgiveness for inviting a stranger, who may be a sex worker or have shady connections? For inviting someone who could easily be helping themselves to my valuables and/or casing my home? Especially when I’ve encountered armed burglars in the past? Nope.

Perhaps you leave the front door open and a sign on the lawn saying ‘come in, all welcome here’, but we don’t. Our home is private, many of our possessions are valuable. We have a security system to prevent uninvited guests. We have a vetted resident dog-sitter when we go away for that reason. So yes, totally unforgivable.

Doesn’t mean I would stop loving him. It does mean he would not be welcome in my home for a very long time.

Gosh reading comprehension on this site is awful. I’d understand if one person misread but it seems multiple people have misread.

He doesn’t live at home, he hasn’t lived at home since he went to uni at 18. He lives in a flat share with a couple who happen to be his girlfriend’s closest friends. Living in flat shares is very common for young professionals in London, housing is expensive and there isn’t enough for everyone to live on their own.

He was dog sitting.

Yes there probably is public transport but he’s flying from Stansted, so not as well connected as some other airports and it’s an early flight. We offered to pick him up and drop them off as he did us a favour by dog sitting, it’s what families do in my opinion, he did us a favour now we do him one.

Of course there is but parents are allowed to give their children lifts fo the airport Ffs 😆. My husband ran our youngest and his gf to the airport yesterday morning at 6am for a weekend away and he’s picking them back up on Monday morning. How this this controversial?

As the mother of both sons and a daughter - for the love of all that's holy please tell her.

He clearly has no intention of telling her as he knows he's messed up and now he's had his cake he wants to hide the wrappers and continue to eat the rest of it. He also doesn't love her, you don't disrespect people you love in such a gross manner.

If my son ever did this I would 100% tell his girlfriend - he made his choice so I'd be damn sure she was able to make hers!

I say this with my son sat beside me saying "I know you'd tell her and I'd deserve it - that's disgusting and she should safeguard her from his crappy choices" and he's 16 and rarely agrees with me on anything these days...but he knows where we stand on cheating in this household. Funnily enough he's just told me he's had this conversation with his friends too - if they cheat he'll be telling so don't bring it around him. Glad he's got that outlook to be honest as I know he is well aware that he does not have a single secret keeper in this home.
For us accountability is celebrated and held above all else. We all make mistakes, we all have regrets but nothing excuses a lack of accountability.

I agree. You need to read him the riot act, its not acceptable in any circumstances.

However, as much as I would also want to, you cannot intervene with his girlfriend, it will decimate the trust between you and your son, possibly permanently and what you need to do is guide him into addressing the issues himself.

However if he doesn't, that then leaves you in an unenviable position where, having dodged giving the a lift to the airport, you may have to be in the company of his girlfriend and she is going to assume you have gone off her or that she has done something wrong if you start dodging her. You also need to tell him this and that whilst you don't want to cause problems, you can't guarantee you will be able to keep your mouth shut if she gets upset over this at some point in the future.

Tell him he needs to put his big pants on and man up. Walk away form the girlfriend or tell her the truth and deal with the consequences. Tell him you would have more respect for him if he deals with the consequences.

You need to talk to your son and explain your total disappointment in him seemingly stringing his girlfriend along. Sexual urges occur though. He lies to you and lies to his girlfriend too. But he should not expect you to play along with this too. Maybe money will be lost if he doesn't go on holiday as arranged with his girlfriend so hes going on the holiday anyway.

Why on earth are people implying that the OP taking her son to the airport means he’s mollycoddled/infantilised? Taking friends and family members to the airport is a perfectly normal thing to do. I’m a married 33 year old mother of 2 and my dad still takes me and my family to the airport when he can. I have also taken my parents to the airport. Between having to lug suitcases on and off public transport, and the extortionate prices to park your own car at an airport, I’d say getting a lift from a family member/friend is probably the preferred method of arriving at an airport for most people.

Please update us as to what happens with your son and his gf. It’s interesting to see how it all pans out, ie gf dumps him, he expresses remorse, changes his ways, appreciates you warned him, carries on regardless, gf forgives him etc.

You should have informed him that you were returning early. That’s basic good manners.

Invading his privacy because you were too drunk to remember to get your own milk is just pathetic and rude.

You and your husband sound embarrassing and childish.

‘Raging’ at him is not going to make any difference to how he feels about what’s he’s done. If you have raised a decent person, he will already be feeling very bad, anxious and conflicted and as a parent, you should know this.

This should have been a quick, calm and quiet conversation between you and your son.

I’d take any family member to the airport! Cabs are expensive. I take friends there sometimes rather than them spend £50 in a cab and they do the same for me and I’m in my late 40s. Obviously if it’s a 6am flight I don’t do it but other times if course I do! It’s what you do for friends and family where I am at least. Mad that people wouldn't out of what? Principle?
OP certainly doesn’t seem like she is mollycoddling.. if she was she’d protect her son not call him out!

You're completely twisting the reason why OP might find it difficult to forgive her son. It's not because he invited someone into her home without permission when she was away. It's because he deliberately used the opportunity to cheat on his long-term girlfriend behind her back. The girlfriend is someone OP is fond of who hasn't done anything to deserve her boyfriend's planned infidelity.

I'm sure that if he did this in OP's house while not in a relationship, she wouldn't be that bothered.

He has spoke to me this afternoon and says he will tell her tomorrow as soon as she is back. He explained he doesn’t want to tell her today as she is having a big family get together with cousins she rarely sees and he doesn’t want to ruin that for her.

I asked why he downloaded the dating up in the first place and he said he didn’t know, I told him he needs to figure out why as she is inevitably going to ask.

He also confidentially told me that he has bought an engagement ring and really was planning to make a life with her so he doesn’t know what came over him. I again said that the why matters but not as much as what he’s done, no matter why he has done it, it’s wrong and he should think about if that’s the type of man he wants to be.

Unless you’ve seen the engagement ring I’m guessing it doesn’t exist and he’s saying he brought it in an effort to get you to back off telling her.

That sounds right, ErsBears. You can do no more. He has put you in a very awkward situation, it's no wonder you are distressed.

I'm in agreement with you on that!