My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I disagree - it is totally her business.

He was staying in her home to dog-sit in her absence. He then chose to sign up to an app to get some sex, in OP’s house, knowing his long term GF had been a guest there a mere few days earlier AND that his parents would not approve. He invited a stranger, knowing eff all about her, into their home without their knowledge or consent. Even if you park the fact that he is a cheating on his GF [and I wouldn’t as it would offend my values] his behaviour is unforgivable.

Well I would be annoyed at him bringing home a cheap date and using my house as a knocking shop and you did the right thing by getting her to leave but I would t start meddling between him and his girlfriend. That is up to him to sort out.

Hahahahaha to all the people jumping in to be heroes of the world and tell OP to mind her business. I'm glad women like this are strong enough to battle this issue head on, and hopefully with supportive DHs (who should be equally irate).

It's very much her business. Good on you OP.

As the mother of two sons, I see a lot of concern from mothers with DDs. This would absolutely be my problem! I would make it more of my problem! I would rain thunder on his arse until he realized never to disrespect his partners and my home like that ever again. If my sons ever have the audacity, I am waiting here for them.

Well said @ErsBears. I think the fact women queue up to explain men’s bad behaviour is part of the problem. If we joined together to say ‘no more of this shit’ and held the line like you are, we might be in a better situation than we are.

I think now he has said he will tell her before the holiday, you take him at his word.

Then you write her a short letter expressing your personal regret at your son's actions, how shocked you were to find them in his room and his subsequent revelation of using a dating app to find someone for a hook up, and your sincere best wishes for her future.

If he has told her everything she needs to know as he promised to then this letter will be a nice gesture to show that you still respect her and regret that your own relationship with her will be damaged by this. If he hasn't told her, or has made excuses and minimised (I'd not put it past someone with this attitude to say 'I was helping a girl who got really drunk but my silly old mum got the wrong end of the stick and has gone off on one, poor misjudged me'), then he will learn that lying to one woman isn't just made OK by lying to other women too (which he needs to learn yesterday for his own good as well as his partner's)!

Which is why I said shoot the messenger & keep out of it. I was roundly rebuked for saying it.

you can tell your son you don’t want strangers in your house, and you can encourage your son to have STD checks and for him to tell the gf soon, because if he does have a STD & gives it to her, she’s going to dump him anyway.

you can also stop mollycoddling him by gifting him taxi trips aged 28

but that is where it stops.

lastly, once he tells the gf, he will be homeless and back with you, as his gf’s friends will dump his belongings outside and the gf won’t move him in
to her place.

I am totally with you on this one. What on earth was he thinking? I would be so disappointed. Whether he tells her or not I suppose is up to him but I would say I couldn't give them a lift. Maybe your husband could if he can stomach it.

Id be gutted that Id raised a 'typical bloke'. And my loyalties lay where my ethics are. Id grass him up.

I know. But the fact that people on here are unable to read properly astounds me.

What is it about boy mum's and their little darlings that can do no wrong?
My son is 3
Sincerely hope I don't become anything like these enablers.

Makes me wonder how much would they cover their son's shitty behaviour 🤔

And all so your son doesn't hate you?
Maybe he'd actually respect you for helping him become a good person, and he would certainly never try and do a disgusting action in your house again,
Ever think of that?

I didn't realise so many people on MN were comfortable with cheating, as long as there's a good reason 😳.

I don't think YABU at all, OP.

Not easily done. I suggest you get off your high horse. I will ignore future posts from
you 👍

Unforgivable? If it’s unforgivable then what are you suggesting? That’s a pretty hard statement.

I agree that its’s OP’s house and she gets to say who is in it - therefore she can ban him from staying over in the future if she wishes. However, what he chooses to do in terms of fidelity has nothing to do with her. That’s his business.

As long as it’s their son. Then the reasons just flow. She’s a gold digger, he’s not happy, he’s not getting enough affection, she’s going to dump him anyway, she’s also shagging others, it was a mistake. The cookie monster possessed him and he just couldn’t help himself. 🙄

To all your women saying the OP should keep out of it. My friend had a one year old then had twins husband was being an arsehole, his mother knowingly was watching the children why he cheated on his wife in their house. You think that is ok? You wonder why so many men cheat because their mothers/fathers allow them too with no consequence's no familial disapproval this thread backs that up.
OP I absolutely agree with you, I would give him a deadline or you will tell her. Let her then make an informed decision if she wants to stay with him. He planned his liaison by going on a dating app that is so deceitful.

Also you are putting her in danger if your S has picked up an STD! Outrageous behaviour on his part and he should tell his girlfriend (you should not - make him). Fidelity is expected in a relationship. If he doesn't want to comply with that then he shouldn't be in a relationship. Idiot, too, and lacking in self-control and self-respect.
I daresay his GF will soon be ex-GF. Hopefully she sticks him with the cost of the holiday, too.

Just wanted to add my own experience.. DH cheated on me 10 years ago when we were first together, in his mother’s home and she knew about it. Although I wouldn’t say it’s affected our relationship massively, I have always wondered how she’s gone on pretending it never happened for 10 years and how she could see me and act normal quite soon after the fact. I definitely don’t trust her as much as I perhaps would have, and I did judge her at the time for being so passive.

It is absolutely, 100% not your business. It's very bad behaviour on his part, but it is on his part.

It's fine to tell him he should tell his girlfriend, but it's not fine to effectively blackmail him into it by saying if he doesn't, you will. He's an adult. Stay out of his life.

Meaning of ‘unforgiveable’ is pretty clearly stated in any dictionary? Not sure what you think I’d mean? Does it mean I’d cut him out of my will, excommunicate him, expose him on facebook or the family whatsapp? Of course not (as I think your vivid imagination seems to have jumped along those lines). It simply means I.would.not.forgive.him.

It would take serious efforts on his part to make up for inviting an unknown person into my home without my consent or knowledge so, for a start, he would not be welcome in it for a considerable time. Trust is built up over a lifetime within a basis of unconditional love - but even then it can be lost in a moment and never fully be re-established.

Wow, that is deplorable from them both. That's not even loyalty to her son, it's just utterly warped.

Sounds like the mother is mollycoddling her son. Taking her son to the airport aged 28? I was organising and paying for airport cab rides when I was 18.

I’m wondering just how much mollycoddling is going on here. He doesn’t have his own place, yet is happy to move into his gf own place that she paid for. He’s 28, she’s 25.

The son’s actions don’t come from nowhere. Parents should be teaching what’s right from wrong before teenage years and also at teenage years, what’s expected in a committed relationship.

Also, the son seems very easy over lying over all sorts of things.

The mother and father needs to sit him down and have a serious chat about life relationships.

it goes without saying the boy will be homeless once the gf friends kick him out & the gf revokes her offer of cohabiting.

it’s good the parents can sit him down before he gets married and has kids, so he has time to ruminate on his actions and their consequences.

Someone has literally said that she wished she kept quiet because it damaged her relationship with her son. Never mind that her son is the problem, not her - she now thinks she should have just enabled him. It's difficult in those circumstances I think but to turn round and say 'I should have kept quiet because he continued to show the kind of person he is' is fairly typical of the level of poor treatment multiple women experience from one man.

There's fuck all wrong with getting or giving a lift to the airport no matter anyone's age. What's a ridiculous leap.

@Whoosher and how did you see your DH, the actual person who cheated on you?

Why is he still living at home with parents at age 28 ?

Surely this is the big question ?