To ask for advice or thoughts on how to move on from MILs theft/ identity fraud

[Justonedilemmamn]

Name change so as not to out myself.

I can't go into too much detail as it will be outing but I can say that DHs mother did identity fraud and siphoned between 70k and 150k over approx 8 years from his bank account, and in such a way that he did not notice but felt very poor, iyswim as she was crafty and he was daft and trusting. She also got him to take out a loan larger than he needed and kept the rest. Anyway I can't go into more precise detail as I think sil is on here but that is the jist and it is absolutely true and I still find it shocking to say or write down and I have noone to talk about it with irl as it his business his family and I don't feel it's mine to discuss with friends.

It really harmed him financially and has deeply traumatised him as like anyone would he trusted his mother completely. His dad must have been in on it too as theyclearly lived way beyond the means of their salaries over that time. His brother minimised it and said he'd always been given a lot and he shouldn't mind helping out. There was no real apology or recognition of the harm done to him. Mil blamed it on drinking too much and said she would stop. She never has. She did take out a loan to repay the loan she got him to take but that was a fraction of what was taken overall.

I can't speak to his family as a result since this came to light. I tried for a while as it was just swept under the carpet but after a while I just couldn't. At the time of finding out i wanted to press charges but he understandably, couldn't. He has tried low contact and is having to be no contact now as he gets so distressed and triggered for a while after seeing them. He is having therapy which is helpful.

We have a big life event coming up that would usually be a family event with all invited. I just dont think I can bear the pain of watching him put a brave face on and suffer through trying to do right by them. I also don't think I can bear to have them there.

I feel so lost with this as I don't know how to support him to keep some kind of relationship going or to support him go no contact, whichever he wants. Or how to processes something I just don't understand how anyone could do this to their child. He is one of the kindest most loving people you could meet who sees the good in everyone and I feel so angry and protective of him. We earn equally and everything has worked out and we have bought our home etc but it has certainly made practicalities like that harder and been a difficult start for us but that isn't what I'm angriest about. It's that someone could do this to their own child and not pay every penny back and really take accountability.There seems to be no remorse. There was also a history of physical/ emotional abuse and intimidation of him from both parents so I suppose this is an extension of that?
So I wondered if anyone had any wise words on how to move on as I am really struggling particularly when I want to say look let's just completely cut them off there's no getting over this and we may as well be honest to others about why it is they aren't there at the upcoming big deal life event, as he has only told his best friend the truth of why he doesn't see them much. I think most of his friends probably think it's me that has driven the wedge which also makes me sad as this is not true.
Sorry for the ramble and thank you your thoughts in advance and also in case this sounds like hairy hands nonsense, I absolutely promise this is completely true but I really can't go into more detail and cant give any more info.

I can completely see why you feel the need to back him up and protect him by saying something after what’s happened but you’ll paint a target on your back in doing so, as in you’ll be blamed for putting your oar in (which is completely wrong but unfortunately people will take aim at the easiest source). Let him lead but also ask him to involve you in his clear defence of himself. You are totally prepared to go to bat for him, he can acknowledge that level of support you’re willing to go to for him by framing this as you as a couple. You’re a team, deal with it together. Out the fuckers on terms agreed by both of you. Or both of you agree to go NC from now on and keep to it. No declarations, just cold hard NC.

That sounds ghastly for you all. Your poor DH.

I'm sorry, I don't have any practical suggestions at this time of night, but didn't want to leave you unanswered. I'm sure wiser people will be along in the morning.

Oh, just refreshed and seen you have a reply. Yes, agree, you being a team is definitely your strength.

Thank you both for really helpful supportive replies - it's hard to see the wood for the trees and yes being a team is our greatest strength. Out the fuckers I love that, not sure he would ever do it as so loyal

There are some things that you just can't come back from. His whole family was in on it. While your DH struggled they had a nicer life from stealing his money. These are not good people. They have no real regret and, frankly, if they had another chance to steal from him or cheat him they would take it. This wasn't a one moment thing of giving into temptation but something that went on for years. I'd have pressed charges if I was your husband. I can't even begin to imagine doing this to one of my sons.

I would encourage my husband to cut them out of his life altogether. They neither love him or respect him. Do you both really want to share all special family occasions with these thieving grifters?

You don't have to go into details with others about the particular reasons for the estrangement.

I suppose they have shown in the clearest possible terms just how they view your DH.

He will need to grieve for the parents he should have had, and for the love they should have given him, while coming to accept that they are just not those people and will never be those people.

He doesn't have to look for the magic key to unlock the door and make it all OK, because that doesn't exist. The parents he needs aren't in there. They're not going to suddenly start loving him if only he can figure out the key.

How awful for him. Thank goodness he has you.

I'm very comforted and moved by your posts, thank you. No they have no respect or care and I don't understand why - he is a particularly kind and hard working person who goes above and beyond for those he loves. I can't make any sense of it except that they aren't the parents he needed, never will be and never have been and there is a lot of work for him to do I guess to accept this and recover from the grief and I feel for him.

Why don’t you both take the advice of a solicitor? I know you don’t want to involve the police but I think they should be made to pay back this money. I wouldn’t be surprised that they might do this again to someone else They sound like horrible dishonest people who shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this.

I can’t see how your dh would want anything to do with them given they have put him and his family at such risk. He needs to be positive they can’t do anything like it again… I could not have anything to do with them at all as they are criminals who have hurt my family.

It appears from your post that this all happened quite a long time ago? I would suggest that it would be a good idea for your DH to get some counselling to help him work through all this and sort out his feelings about his family, and help him work through his anger and grief? He's clearly (and absolutely understandably) still traumatised by what happened and therapy might help him more clearly see what he wants to do.

You sound very caring, and it might make it easier for you to know how to support him best, if he does do that and it becomes clear to him what he really wants to do.

In the meantime, No - I wouldn't invite them to this special event. Tough if people think it's your fault. You both know the truth, which is all that matters. Some people have terrible family members and going no contact is the only way to look after one's mental health and we'll being.

My dad was the victim of something similar by his brother. When he found out, he invited my uncle over and asked for an explanation / to clarify what he thought had happened. My uncle denied it all, fudged, hemmed and hawed, and eventually left our house without a by your leave - I’ll never forget the slam of the front door. It was all deeply painful for both my dad (favourite sibling, really looked up to his older brother) and my mum (my uncle was really good to her when she entered the family). They never spoke another word, and my uncle went to his grave that way. Nobody outside of the family members who were there knows what went on. Some people blamed my dad, others my uncle. My dad’s attitude was and is that this concerned nobody but the people involved, that nobody was owed an explanation of the state of their relationship or what happened, and that this wasn’t fodder for gossip. He wasn’t interested in other people’s judgements or opinions - I think partly because he didn’t have mental space for it because the hurt and loss of his brother took it all.

Long story, but the point is perhaps your DH could focus on managing the deep hurt his mother has caused him - with your support, and yours is a backseat situation here, not frontline - and just let the unnecessary noise fall away. This is between a man and his parents, nobody else. People will talk, that’s what humans do. Let them. It won’t change anything to try to control that and you can’t manage other people’s reactions anyway. None of the energy spent on any of that secondary stuff would help your husband heal or move forward anyway. It’ll be a waste of time, and the situation is bad/serious/worrying enough as it is.

Beautifully put.

He was emotionally and physically abused and they have stolen a sihnificant amount of money from him. He needs to report them to the police, that is an extreme level of financial abuse.

Absolutely shocking.
I don't know how you could ever get over such a blatant family betrayal.
I have no words of advice for you as it's completely outside my realm of experience, but I think that voicing it on here at least gives you a platform to scream to the elements and get others opinions.
I hope one day you find peace.

Thank you for replying. I looked into legal options when we found out but he has always been categorically against it saying he couldn't do that to his family.

Thank you for the kind and wise words. Yes he does have therapy - I think it's slow as he is very emotionally defended about this as understandably so painful. I agree there is no coming back from this but he does keep wanting to try and have some kind of relationship even though it causes him so much pain .

I'm really sorry to hear that your dad was victim of something similar. It sounds incredibly painful and diffult for him and also your mum. Sounds also like he handled it with the utmost dignity and certainly something for me to think about as an approach. Interesting that it was unquestionably the end of their relationship.

Yes the physical abuse happened in childhood with a couple of fairly serious incidents in his twenties. Dad violent mum emotionally manipulative. He will never report them.

Yes it is shocking - I've never heard of anything like it really I guess partly why posting on here. It's such specific and extensive abuse of trust and someone's chances of saving being comfortable etc. I have so many unanswered questions mainly just why and how could she have done it I hope I find peace but I don't know how as I know it's his burden to process and I am very much back seat and can do nothing practical like confront again or escalate to authorities etc.

This sounds so tragic OP. I am glad your DH has you in his corner.
Honestly there is no moving on from this, only moving through it with help from suitably qualified professionals. And he's doing that.
So for this celebration/event. Can you reframe it so it doesn't have the expectations of "all the family" there? If it's an anniversary, could you go away somewhere fabulous rather than hosting a party? If it's a wedding, could you do something unconventional in where or how you hold it? Or have it abroad? So the absence of parents is less obvious?
I guess the point is that DH is not ready to cut contact (from what you've said) but nor is he ready to face them. And so I just think the best solution would be to do something where basically family are not able to attend in the normal way.

Thank you - yes I feel there is no going back either. It is tragically sad. That is a lovely idea about doing the celebration differently , I don't think he would want / be able to tell people why they aren't there and if they are there it will ruin it for him.

This is too awful to forgive and move on from. I was a similar situation but there was one relationship that did continue when they took responsibility, apologised and made it right financially .
I think very very low contact is the only way here. DH might choose to reconcile in the future but might need to accept that it may be a case of just brushing it under the carpet as people like his mother never really take responsibility for their actions.

Just tell other people a version of the truth. DH’s family are not good people and you are no longer close. I told my children that my DF was not kind and that we are not friends with unkind people . They understood.

You can set your own boundaries though. You can refuse to ever see them again. Do not attend this family event.

His parents are criminals and they have committed a serious crime against their own son. Your DH needs urgent therapy and hopefully that will help him enough to make a decision to report their theft to the police. They should be in prison, not attending major family events.

‘Look for the magic key how to make it ok’ is an excellent sentence.

So pithy, and clever. I’m going to use that myself!

From excruciating experience, @ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews .

Oh the wee small hours I spent tossing and turning, looking for that key. The one that was going to unlock the door and let me out of the room that was closing in on me, and let me get my life back.

It was incredibly painful, but ultimately freeing, to realise that there was no key. There was nothing in my hands to fix things. Other people were going to behave as they were going to behave, because it's what they wanted to do. The impact on me was just not part of their calculations.

I couldn't change their behaviour – only my own behaviour in fielding it. Even though "changing my behaviour" meant giving up parts of me that really mattered, like trust and love of people I cared for.

The experience has left me much less vulnerable as a person, but also just less as a person.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to learn that in such painful times.

Once the love and trust is gone, i think it’s nigh on impossible to get it back.

I hope life is a little kinder to you these days.