Aibu for thinking this is a little weird?

[Daisychain67]

My daughter recently had a birthday and wanted her friend to come round to the house to play as we had been on holiday for her birthday and she didn’t have a proper party.

I had spoken with her friend’s mum and said I would do them both a little tea party and they can play for a few hours, she agreed she would drop her off at 2pm on the Sunday. When she arrived, she had my daughter’s friend and her younger sister with her. I welcomed them in but didn’t expect her and the younger sister to stay. It was a quite awkward as I’ve never actually spoken to the mum before as I rarely see her at the school.

They stayed for around 5 hours and the conversation felt very forced and a little hard to talk to her as she is polish and although she speaks quite good English she still didn’t understand what I was saying some of the time.

I felt awkward the whole time and was relieved when they had left. I was also looking forward to my daughter being distracted with her friend for a while so I could get some unpacking and washing done.

My daughters never had friends round before and I’m wondering if this is normal for parents to stay? Or would you leave your child and pick them up later?

Drop offs for me (8 year old boy going on 9). However as they are Y4 I know all the parents in some form.

Most I would happily do drop offs. A couple I simply wouldn’t allow him to go too as I dislike the parent/s so am not comfortable.

Some I have invited in for a cuppa so they feel comfortable and then say “if you fancy going and getting some stuff done, want to come back at fetch X at 2pm? More than welcome to stay too.”

So did you say to her ‘thanks Mary for dropping Ella off. Can you come back and collect her at X hour’? And if you felt maybe she was uncomfortable as she doesn’t know you, after an hour or so I’d have stood up and said ‘well they seem to be having a great time! Ok if you come back at X to collect’?
She may be from a different country but she’s here now and should adjust to how it’s done, rather than you adjusting for her.

Why do people bother to write such lengthy posts without adding the most important details?
How old are the kids?

I wouldn't expect someone I barely knew, who hadn't been to my house before to leave their child. I've found the parents who have to be a little odd and in some cases neglectful.

If you'd been having playdates with the child since reception then that would be different, but as this is the first time and you don't know the other family well it's not unreasonable for the mum to have expected to stay.

I took my daughter to the play date even though English is not my first language.
Even though we had to travel for an hour and a half on public transport.
Even though I had no childcare for my younger child because my husband had to work and we have no family here to help.
I went even though I was exhausted, having been up several times during the night with the baby, and even though there were chores waiting at home.
I went even though I was aware that my accent, the way I speak, or the words I sometimes struggle to find might make me seem awkward, or different, or easy to judge.
I went because I love my daughter more than anything. Because I want her to have what I don't have here—friends, connection, a sense of belonging.
I know it’s hard to understand experiences you haven’t lived yourself. But I hope you can see that everything I did that day was done out of love.
Please try to be kind

5 hours? I don’t want to speak to anyone for 5 hours 😭

It's not even national culture differences, but in the last town I lived in all parents stayed, even for tea and playdates after school! Where I live now we will usually get to know the parents, maybe do one play dates all together, then if it all seems OK drop offs from then on.

8 years old and your daughter had never had a playdate before? That is highly unusual.

Honestly , some people aren't worth your time and effort, the the OPs post speaks volumes on who she is.

She should have been clearer on her expectations of the play date.

I'm 100% with u op I would never have stayed and my kids have been to many playdates. The last one I stayed at was when the two girls were 3! And we didn't stay 5 hours, just 2, and I was also chatty with the mum anyway. At aged 8 they could potentially have sleepovers (cue all the people screaming at me that its irresponsible because the parents might be nonces)

My DCs went to school with many polish children and I noticed that they very rarely dropped and left at parties, they would typically stay (and often help!) we didn’t do many play dates as I worked full time but those where we went to their homes, I was invited to stay too and there would be refreshments etc ie actively hosting. I would assume basically cultural difference and not wanting to be seen as rude. Next time, you could explicitly say to her that it’s fine for her to drop off. I don’t think it’s weird.

But if how we do it seems rude, I can see why she would err on the side of caution.

I don't think it's ts weird to stay. My daughters friends parents stay a lot of the time, we end up having a loooong chat sometimes which can b ok but can also feel a bit much. I never keep anyone for longer than 3 hrs as I say I'm off somewhere if it goes on.

I think its perfectly normal to bring a sibling and to stay.

I don’t understand the “age 8 is ok to drop and leave them” when you don’t know the parent/s. You don’t know who else is in the house. 8 is still so young.

I just wouldn’t do what you did. The only kids we’ve had over to play are kids whose parents we know well enough (which has been achieved through playground conversations / play dates outside the house such as parks / etc).

Can see both sides to this. For Year 2 and below, parents staying for the first few play dates was normal if they didn’t know you, your wider family, or the other people in the house well. She doesn’t know you, your spouse, any potential boys in the house, or whether you have other adults or older kids coming in and out, that she might not feel comfortable with her daughter being around. I can think of two friends who had issues with older brothers or friends of older brothers growing up, and in today’s world that might be very much on her mind too. She is probably 99% sure all is good, but if you haven’t even spoken, it seems quite sensible and normal to stay.

Although mums staying for eight year olds wouldn’t be the norm, it would be incredibly unusual to get to Year 3 and beyond and have friends’ parents not know you well, which might be why drop and go is more normal then. The fact that she hasn’t spoken to you and your children are friends might actually be ringing alarm bells for her. I know the mums of the kids my DCs are not friends with pretty well by Year 3, and the ones they are friends with very well, for example, we’ve usually done things like play dates ( initially with parents), whole family walks, or day out meetups.

However, a five hour play date is too long. Unless I know someone very well and we reciprocate childcare days, I aim for two to three hours max. If you said it was a birthday tea, perhaps the mum thought it would be around two hours.

It does sound like more of a cultural thing. Chalk it down to experience and next time give clearer invite details in terms of what is expected.

As the mother of a 6 and 7 year old I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all. I would never leave my child with a stranger. It’s surprises me how many people would do this tbh.

I wouldn’t say irresponsible, more naive. I wished I could be so trusting, but in my circle of friends almost all of them (apart from me and one other) were sexually abused growing up. The abusers ranged from brothers, uncles, step dads etc this has made me very wary of who I leave my kids with.

I'm very sorry this was your experience and I can see why you would be so cautious.

"I’ve never actually spoken to the mum before as I rarely see her at the school." This is the problem. Don't expect people you've never spoken to to want to drop their child off with you in your home. Far too many weirdos around these days for parents to be ok with that. If you want your child's friend to come on unaccompanied play dates, suggest meeting her and her mum at the park or soft play or something a few times first, so mum knows the adult who will be looking after her kid on an unaccompanied play date!

By the age of 8 this is not normal. If she's coming over again spell out what time she should be dropped off and picked up.

No it’s not normal but I wonder if she struggles to make mum friends so wanted to stay. Next time be clearer.

You’ve obviously never seen Morherland! You have to stipulate that it’s a ‘drop off’ 😆

I don’t think it’s weird at all that she stayed when she didn’t know you. I think it’s weird she stayed that long though!

Years ago, when my daughter had just started secondary school (ie 11 yrs old) she met an Albanian girl who’d gone to a different primary and told me that we’d both been invited to their house “so her mother could meet me”. I thought it was a bit strange, but as we live in Greece and it is usual to take cakes to someone’s house when you are first invited over, I went to the local patisserie and bought a lovely gateaux. My daughter and I arrived on time at this woman’s house and were left waiting about 15 minutes downstairs at the front door to the apartment block until she finally came down to let us in. She’d answered the bell and said I’ll been down in a minute and left us both waiting, rather than buzzing us in.
Then she proceeded to come down herself (without the child) said hello and looked me up and down, took the gateaux off me that I offered her and then made it perfectly clear that only my daughter could stay “but for just 20 minutes as they were going out”!
I politely said we didn’t want to inconvenience them if something had come up last minute and we would leave and do it another time. She said that it wasn’t something last minute, so I asked why she had invited us over at all if they had something else arranged and why she had specifically invited me as well in order to “meet me”? She rudely said “well, I’ve met you now, haven’t I” All this while we were still standing just inside the central downstairs entrance of the building with her clutching the gateaux I’d just given her after the initial greeting!
I was gobsmacked to say the least!

It may just have been a misunderstanding. Sticking around for a play date would be my idea of hell. I hate staying for birthday parties too but this weirdly seems to be the done thing. Parents never stayed at parties in the 90s.