Was husband out of line or am I being dramatic?

[Weddingdriver]

Yesterday NYE, my husband, 2 kids and I had a family wedding in the morning with the after party wrapping up around 4pm.

Our plans for afterwards were to come home, cook a nice meal and see the new year in in the comfort of our living room and some sparklers with the kids if they managed to stay awake. I’ve been unwell for a few days (on antibiotics) so specifically didn’t want to do have a heavy night.

I agreed to drive to the wedding so that he could have a drink. This was agreed before I was unwell as it’s his family member.

Anyhow once the wedding party had wrapped up I realised he was more than bit tipsy but still though “oh well maybe we won’t make midnight” but can still have a nice chilled evening.

On the drive home we both began to get phone calls from friends asking what our plans were and got a handful of invites to events. I politely declined stating I wasn’t feeling well and would be spending it at home.

We arrived home and I headed out to grab some bits for dinner. Upon returning he has another friend in the house and they are making plans for this friend to come to urs for drinks. I tell the friend I’m not feeling well and would rather he didn’t but tell my husband he’s welcome to go out if he’s changed his mind and I’d be happy to have a nice quiet one with the kids. Husband declined and his friend left. For the next 2 hours whilst I cooked and ate dinner with the kids my husband spent his time on face time to family and friends continuing to drink.

Then at around 8pm I retreated to the sofa in my pjs with a blanket and the kids to watch a film.

Suddenly a group of friends, there kids and the friend from earlier all came marching through my door with arms full of alcohol (all very merry). My husband had been FaceTiming and calling around friends inviting as many people as he could to our house for NYE!!!

im encouraged to join them - I say no and let them crack on on the kitchen. But by this point they’ve riled the kids up - the house is being pulled apart by everyone.

At around 11pm I snapped at my husband and said in off to bed this was not what I had planned. The female friend that came had realised I was unhappy and announced that everyone could go to her house to give me some peace for which I was grateful.

Then I hear my husband announce “get your coats on kids” - he’d gone to our friend house by this point very drunk and taken our 2 kids (3 & 5) left the house in disarray from his small party and left me to sit on my own in bed to see the new year in. He then returned with the kids at 2am.

I’ve been furious with him today. Mostly for the invites to his entire phone book to have a party at ours but also a part of me is really sad that I didn’t even get to spend it with the kids - because he took them. (But I think if the kids were given the option they’d have chosen to go and not stay).

He thinks I’m being dramatic, I on the other hand don’t even want to be in the same room as him.

AIBU?

YABU - it’s one night, cheer up.

YANBU - he’s a twat if he wanted to party he should have gone out and left the kids at home so I wasn’t alone to celebrate new year.

Yeh totally agree with this. The mother is massively unreasonable as well as the father in this case. What kind of mother lets her children leave the house at 11 pm? She even suggests if they stayed at home with her she would have let them stay up until midnight to celebrate with her. Who lets a 3 and 5 year old stay up until midnight and thinks that’s remotely normal??? Massive parental misjudgment on both sides.

Of course it's normal to let your children stay up until just gone midnight on NYE!

We've always let our children stay up since they were wee.

What utter miserable spoil sports wouldn't?!

NB Not condoning OP's husband - he's an ass.

I think you’re missing the point.

I wasn’t propping there eyes up with match sticks.

I just wasn’t enforcing a bed time for one night.

They’d have probably been asleep long before midnight had a group of in invited guests not waltzed in.

And if I’d have screamed and shouted, physically locked the children away (screaming probably).
Potentially caused an altercation by casting judgment in anger on other (some drunken) adults about their parenting choices. Would that have been a better solution?

Maybe I didn’t make the best call and could have handed it better suggestions welcome

Christ, I’m a very relaxed wife and about people coming over unexpectedly but I would have gone absolutely mental. I can’t believe he took the kids out at 11pm! You should have made him sleep outside! In fact, my DH would still be in the shed now.

Genuine thank you for the supportive and humorous comments they’ve cheered me up a little.

And for those that think I’m a wet lettuce I’ll be sure to get my SIA supervisor license ready for the next time he steps out of line.

Absolutely. He would have had to go through me to take the children. It wasn’t safe in his state and the other adults were drunk too (and ultimately not responsible anyway as they aren’t their kids). If he caused a scene over it that’s his problem. If he got aggressive or forceful about it I’d have called the police on him and thrown a grenade into my marriage before I let my children be endangered.

You let a drunk remove your small children from your house to take them to an adult party until 2 am? With no parent fit to supervise them there? You need to have a serious think about that.

I wouldn't have screamed and shouted, but when he said "get your coats" I would have said, "oh no, it's too late for you to go out now, we will stay home. See you tomorrow Dad!" And led them away. If the children cried, I would have reassured them that they were okay and Dad would be back later. If they were so drunk that you saying the children couldn't go with them would have caused an altercation, then surely that's just further evidence that they were in no fit state to take the children? I wouldn't let any drunk adult take my children anywhere. How were they getting to the friends house if there was a large group and only one sober adult?

A family wedding and then wants to carry on celebrating with his family on NYE?
kids won’t suffer from 1 very late night especially as they knew others there and there was family and kids there too.
fair enough I’d be pissed off if I was settled in pjs but would just get on with it (& wouldn’t get changed!)

Girl I’d be thinking of leaving him! This is awful

After that behaviour id be sending him packing he took the kids very drunk at that time of night I would be livid

What? No-one is saying that what he's doing is not shitty, but would you really allow a drunk father to take your young kids out of the house to a party at that time of night without intervening?

Huge agree. I would have said no husband kids are staying here and going to bed. If he escalated it, I would have de escalated it. If he escalated again and got violent I would have called the police. I wouldn’t allow my kids to be taken out at 11pm just to keep the peace

You had an agreement and he broke it without even consulting you. YANBU, I’d hate to be married to someone like this. Hope you feel better soon, OP

On the bright side, you now have carte Blanche to host whatever gathering you want and if he gets a face on you can say oh but I thought I was being unreasonable about new years even though I had communicated earlier I didn’t want anyone around, was unwell, and had driven you to your xs wedding? You are perfectly healthy and not doing me any driving favours so I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be ok with this, ill be going ahead unless you want to tell me that actually things you want to do are fine and things I want to do aren’t, in which case I’ll still have the gathering but also look for some marriage counselling.

Was there anyone sober looking after your kids when he left with them?

OK for the two of you to have completely different desires about how to spend NYE. NOT OK to agree to one plan (quiet night in, just the household members) and then invite guests over without a discussion and agreement - let alone with no warning! And not OK to assume he could take the children out in the middle of the night without a discussion. And not OK to try to DARVO you by calling your concern for small children going out late at night a "tantrum".

If this isn't characteristic, does he have an issue with alcohol? Even if he doesn't normally drink, inability to pace himself, know his limits, and stop when he's had too much can indicate a problem. I'd have a discussion once he's sober and calm and see how he's viewing his behaviour and the events of NYE in retrospect and go from there. Regardless, you're not unreasonable to object to being treated badly.

I do not know how you can live with such a person. I could not live with that at all. I can't comprehend how you are asking if you are being unreasonable. He does what the hell he wants with no regard to you or to the kid's well being and safety. It would be divorce for me, I just could not live with it at all.

He’s an arse and I wouldn’t have let him take my kids.

This.
That's insane!
The midnight thing is nothing and your children should have been tucked up in bed for hours by then.
The rest of the shit show? He'd be gone.
Poor kids 😔

I’m guessing your H had done some coke.
The kids should have gone to bed.
Your H can clear up.
You tell him he was drunk, you were unwell & had already done all the driving/cooking/kid watching.
& he owes you a sincere apology. & not to push his luck