Was husband out of line or am I being dramatic?

[Weddingdriver]

Yesterday NYE, my husband, 2 kids and I had a family wedding in the morning with the after party wrapping up around 4pm.

Our plans for afterwards were to come home, cook a nice meal and see the new year in in the comfort of our living room and some sparklers with the kids if they managed to stay awake. I’ve been unwell for a few days (on antibiotics) so specifically didn’t want to do have a heavy night.

I agreed to drive to the wedding so that he could have a drink. This was agreed before I was unwell as it’s his family member.

Anyhow once the wedding party had wrapped up I realised he was more than bit tipsy but still though “oh well maybe we won’t make midnight” but can still have a nice chilled evening.

On the drive home we both began to get phone calls from friends asking what our plans were and got a handful of invites to events. I politely declined stating I wasn’t feeling well and would be spending it at home.

We arrived home and I headed out to grab some bits for dinner. Upon returning he has another friend in the house and they are making plans for this friend to come to urs for drinks. I tell the friend I’m not feeling well and would rather he didn’t but tell my husband he’s welcome to go out if he’s changed his mind and I’d be happy to have a nice quiet one with the kids. Husband declined and his friend left. For the next 2 hours whilst I cooked and ate dinner with the kids my husband spent his time on face time to family and friends continuing to drink.

Then at around 8pm I retreated to the sofa in my pjs with a blanket and the kids to watch a film.

Suddenly a group of friends, there kids and the friend from earlier all came marching through my door with arms full of alcohol (all very merry). My husband had been FaceTiming and calling around friends inviting as many people as he could to our house for NYE!!!

im encouraged to join them - I say no and let them crack on on the kitchen. But by this point they’ve riled the kids up - the house is being pulled apart by everyone.

At around 11pm I snapped at my husband and said in off to bed this was not what I had planned. The female friend that came had realised I was unhappy and announced that everyone could go to her house to give me some peace for which I was grateful.

Then I hear my husband announce “get your coats on kids” - he’d gone to our friend house by this point very drunk and taken our 2 kids (3 & 5) left the house in disarray from his small party and left me to sit on my own in bed to see the new year in. He then returned with the kids at 2am.

I’ve been furious with him today. Mostly for the invites to his entire phone book to have a party at ours but also a part of me is really sad that I didn’t even get to spend it with the kids - because he took them. (But I think if the kids were given the option they’d have chosen to go and not stay).

He thinks I’m being dramatic, I on the other hand don’t even want to be in the same room as him.

AIBU?

YABU - it’s one night, cheer up.

YANBU - he’s a twat if he wanted to party he should have gone out and left the kids at home so I wasn’t alone to celebrate new year.

Who takes a 3 year old out on a bender to a party?! If he was drunk he wouldn’t have been capable of looking after them properly. There was a tragic story in the news just this week about a toddler slipping out of a family gathering on Christmas Day and drowning in a pond. That’s the sort of thing I’d be worried about if my dh took our 3 year old while pissed out of his head.

He’s a dick. If he wanted to go then fine (well it’s not really after making plans with you but it’s better to have the drunken twat out of your hair) but to take the kids was foolish and reckless imo.

Yes I’m just surprised I suppose that after a presumably very full on day already at a family wedding they were in good enough form to be up so late in the first place!

Your husband is completely out of order. However I don’t understand how you heard him say “get your coats kids” at 11pm and didn’t intervene? Granted, a shitty position to have been put in, but presumably you could have got out of bed and said no?

How did you allow him taking the kids?? You knew he was drunk, why did you let him take them? I’m more shocked at you.

My 15 year old, disappeared off to bed at 11.30 pm last night, after we'd been out for a meal and then came home!!! 🤣 I wouldn't have allowed a 3 and 5 year old to stay up until midnight, let alone disappear out with their drunk Dad, and roll in at 2 am!! My God, my son would have been dreadful the next day! Tired, grumpy and utterly miserable! I don't understand why your husband didn't go out with friends himself, when given the chance, and could have left you with the children, in peace??? Why invite a small army of people over, when he knew you'd been unwell and had made specific plans? I can only assume, that he didn't really agree with the plans, even if he'd agreed to them. Yes, he was out of order. If he didn't agree with your plans, then he should have told you he wanted to do something different.

Like others I wouldn’t have allowed children that age to be out until 2am but mine would have been in bed by 8 anyway especially after being at a wedding. I couldn’t be with someone like the DH in this scenario. There’s no way I’d have put up with “friends” marching through my door with armfuls of alcohol either without knowing about it.

I wouldn’t be looking at him because he’d be sleeping elsewhere. He sounds intolerable.

Because when men do shitty irresponsible things, it’s always a woman’s fault for not stopping them 🙄

If you weren’t well then he shouldn’t have invited people over but equally you should just have told him to go out if he wanted to. Your wishes don’t trump his. He shouldn’t have taken the kids. 3 and 5 year olds do not need to be around drunken party goers.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be annoyed, it would have been really frustrating that he invited people when he knew you weren't feeling well. I have children the same age and no way I'd have let him take them, not because I didn't want to be alone but because the whole scenario of adults all drinking and Dad is drunk doesn't sound at all suitable for them, and I would have kept the children home when he left.

To answer a few questions regarding the kids being up so late. They’d had very long naps in the car travelling to and from the wedding and I would have kept them up just wouldn't have enforced a bedtime I guess.

I did put my foot down when he was taking them out of the door but was dismissed as it being a temper tantrum and a spoil sport as the kids clearly wanted to go and was assured by the only other sober adult that they’d watch them. But I guess the point is that I had to sort that - he would have thought he was perfectly capable.

He actually isn’t normally a selfish twat - he’s not perfect either but in fact is normally the “quiet” one who would much rather stay in for a quiet one than go out. It’s just really apparent that he can’t handle his drink.

Yes I am probably being a bit precious about spending nye alone as I would t have cared im just winding myself up and finding more things to be angry about.

I think I’m mostly embarrassed, not only did he behave like a kn*b it was in front of a bunch of friends. I really wanted him to wake up today and be full of a hangover and apology but he thinks he behaved totally fine and I’m just mildly because I had to drive and be the responsible adult at the wedding.

Who made her the default parent when she is unwell? Incidentally OP did say he could go with his invited friends

From the OP: I headed out to grab some bits for dinner. Upon returning he has another friend in the house and they are making plans for this friend to come to urs for drinks. I tell the friend I’m not feeling well and would rather he didn’t but tell my husband he’s welcome to go out if he’s changed his mind and I’d be happy to have a nice quiet one with the kids.

I think this is what’s irking me the most.

I said on a number of occasions that I was more than happy for him to go out alone much earlier in the night. He’d had plenty of invites and he wouldn’t have needed a taxi there as I was driving.

Hes also normally the person to balk if I suggest hosting a small gathering. I have no idea what possessed him.

Who drags two small kids out until 2pm? So irresponsible. Kids should be in bed. I think you are focusing the wrong thing here OP. Husband sounds complete knob.

We've glossed over the fact where he used the time OP was out getting food to invite someone over before they even had their dinner!

She did though. It’s in the op. She told him she is more than happy to stay in with the children and he should go out but he declined.

Bloody hell OP.
I wouldn't be able to look at an arsehole like that.
Dragging out children until 2am leaving his wife unwell having invited loads of people over without discussion?
He's an arsehole.
Hard to believe this is in isolation.
Not normal behaviour at all.

I do think it’s a bit worrying that he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. My DH has been known to be rather obnoxious when drunk - nothing even close to what yours has done, and never affecting the children - but on the few occasions where he’s pissed me off or been inconsiderate, he’s genuinely apologetic afterwards, he owns his own shit and makes amends. I think it’s a really bad sign of his character that he thinks he can just paper over this and expect you to swallow it.

What an utterly selfish pig he is.

I don't know where you go from here since he's seemingly oblivious as to how poor his behaviour is...

But to answer your question, of course you were not unreasonable.
For those of us who have read your post properly OP, it is clear you were in fact more than reasonable!

Jesus wept. Who lets a 3 and 5 year old leave the house at 11 pm, let alone stay up until 2 am. They are 3 and 5 FFS - they should have been in bed at their normal time. Is this what an average family is like nowadays???

What an odd question to ask - the unanimous responses should tell you this is not an average thing to do.

True. I just find it staggering that parents like this exist. What hope do kids have with such irresponsible role models

YANBU being annoyed as his awful behaviour but YABU to let him take children that young out to a drinking party til 2am!!

It was actually her fault for letting a guy who is so drunk he is lacking judgement enough to take 2 very small children out at that time of night. That is proper wet lettuce territory.

I’d have seen off all the guests the minute they arrived, telling them I’d already told my husband and the other friend I was unwell and unable to socialise so I’d no idea why he invited them over.

I’m all for men being blamed for being arseholes but I’m also not the type to put up with arseholery. I certainly wouldn’t be sitting wondering if I’d done wrong.

Of course it isn’t normal and that’s why I’m furious.

But I didn’t wave them off at the door. The situation was more complex.