Pathetic friendship issue

[Addictedtomushroompate]

I'm a rare commenter but long term lurker looking for objective perspectives.

I'm in a book club, have been for four years. One of the women (D) is estranged from her mother and her son with few friends. She's been very ill recently and the group has been rallying round. I've walked her dogs, taken her shopping, cooked her meals I've dropped off, accompanied her to a hospital appointment which took 3.5 hours on a work day (where she listed me as her emergency contact). She thanked me but no other recompense (not that I expected or would have accepted it). Then, in a group WhatsApp chat about preparing for a bookclub meet, she made several jibes about veganism (I've turned vegan recently after being veggie for 35 years). I'd said I was happy to bring stuff if she found it difficult and she made stupid comments about not understanding why vegans wanted food to look like meat and that vegan cheese was disgusting. I was very annoyed. One of the others messaged me privately to say D's messages had made her uncomfortable. I drafted a polite message which I sent privately:

Hi D, I just wanted to say that I felt quite hurt and pissed off after your constant jibes about veganism the other night. I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across that way but I found it really rude and insulting to the point that I haven't decided if I'm going to come on Tuesday. I think I've been quite a supportive friend over the last few months and it feels like a real kick for my friendship to be reciprocated in that way. I don't like keeping quiet so wanted to get it out there. Lx

That was 9th November. No further contact until today when she messaged to say she thought we should meet up to sort things out because they had escalated. I replied that if I'd have had an acknowledgment to my message (ideally an apology), there would be no issue but that the lack of response has exacerbated how I felt.

D responded that she's had bigger issues to deal with and she was also pissed off with me. I assume this was that I'd raised the concern at all - I genuinely have done nothing but support her. She has had a tough time (hence the support!) but I have gone out of my way to support someone who, whilst a friend, is not a close one, whilst running a business, raising two children (one with complex health needs) and dealing with other commitments.

I don't think I've done anything wrong here and I've had a tough time lately which has meant her response today has really upset me. Seriously, am I wrong for raising what I did?

No, she doesn’t like the truth. she didn’t respond because she does not like people standing up to her.

There are many reasons that people have no friends, sometimes it’s because they are just not nice.

There are likely reasons she had no friends or family around her…….

I think your message is perfect and the perfect response from D would’ve been “sorry, as you know I’ve got a lot on so I’m being a dick, I apologise and appreciate your support”

Kind of makes you realise why she doesn’t have family rallying around to support her, I’d step back and leave her to it

You were perfectly reasonable to call out her rudeness. A true friend would have been upset they'd offended you and apologised. But she did nothing until now. It's probably a safe bet to assume she is need of your help again. In your position I'd tell her that the time has passed and while you have no animosity towards her and will be friendly, you don't really want to be more involved than that.

She's a batshit selfish cunt. She's shown you who she is. You don't need to show her any more kindness.

People have their own issues I guess. Maybe it would have gone down better if you had said her comments had hurt you, rather than calling her rude and insulting. The threat to not attend was a bit OTT in my view. I can see where you’re coming from but I think you could have handled it better.

Thank you. This was absolutely what I expected as a response and there would then be no issue!

That's exactly what I did. I said she'd hurt me. I didn't call her rude and insulting, I said I found 'it' rude and insulting. How would you suggest I phrase it to 'handle it better'?

You took it very personally. I don't understand why vegans want food to look like meat either and it's probably true that vegan cheese is disgusting.

Why would that personally offend you? You are not the food. You are not your diet. Maybe relax.

YANBU. She's being defensive and rude. You weren't wrong to be hurt, or to raise it.

I disagree, I think the OP was perfectly entitled to tell this nasty, selfish woman, not only how she felt, but the consequences of making her feel that way.

It really boils my piss when people don't appreciate help when it is given so selflessly, and particularly when it's from outsiders who are not obliged to do so, but do it out of the goodness of their heart. You never know when you might be in need of their help in the future, and by being rude and insulting to the OP, this woman has cut off her nose to spite her face! Whereas had she apologised to the OP when she first told her how she felt, I feel sure that the OP would have put it down to her having a bad time, and forgiven her.

I'm not surprised the nasty bitch doesn't have her DM or DS to help out, if she always treats people like this,

Finally, well done for calling her out OP, too many people let these things go, which just allows people to continue with their nastiness.

Just wave goodbye to the leech, and have more free time for yourself.
I don't she's she's even worth having an actual disagreement with

I dont think your message was rude, its obviously she has no friends. Id swerve her now but what about the bookclub? Does that mean you no longer go?

Am going to offer another perspective. As a non-vegan who adores real cheese, I would agree with her - the vegan cheese I have tried was really disgusting. Also, it is an interesting question, why people who reject meat want their vegan food to resemble meat. So you could argue that she is entitled to her opinions and was not necessarily rude. Only you know the tone of the messages but even then if it's not face to face communication there is room for misunderstandings. Also, I like liver, for example, and would have/have had absolutely no problem with people saying liver is disgusting. These things are subjective. At most she was tactless.
With regard to your exceptional kindness and support when she was ill, I think she is more at fault here, because if I was her, I would have thanked you profusely and definitely bought you a gift or something to show my appreciation.
I think if she had behaved better on this, I think you perhaps would have tolerated the food comments better. Ingratitude really stings.

Well you’ve solved the mystery of why she is. estranged from friends and family!

Cut her loose op. But don’t stop going to the club or anything else. She has shown herself for who she is and if anyone should go it’s her. Very stupid of her to piss someone off who has gone out of their way to help her, clearly why she has no friends or family willing to do it.

She took it personally because it was very obviously meant personally.

’D’ only started spouting off about vegans because she knew the OP had just become a vegan. She wasn’t just unwittingly chatting about it in passing. She was deliberately goading, and that is an unpleasant thing to do. Note that the OP also had messages from other people who were present saying D’s comments made them feel uncomfortable - they clearly picked up on the tone of D’s comments and got the impression that she was deliberately attacking the OP.

There is a reason that D has no other friends and had fallen out with two generations of her own immediate family, and that reason is that she is a nasty twat.

She’s been going through a bad time, had health problems, is estranged from family and it’s Christmas. She’s probably been struggling and didn’t mean it to be offensive.

i am estranged from my family, it’s tough, and I’m vegetarian so I know how nasty the food comments can be at times. But that’s nothing compared to estrangement stuff, Christmas and health problems.

There is more than one type of vegan cheese and I'm pretty sure she won't have sampled them all. I had one with cashews that was actually very nice. And as far as I'm aware, vegans aren't all a homogeneous mass that want the same thing - for example, not all vegans eat highly processed products that mimic meat. She is entitled to her opinion but it is the wording and context that is rude.

She could have quite easily said - I couldn't give up cheese, I found the vegan one(s) I tried really horrible. Potentially giving you the opportunity to suggest other brands/recipes/concur. Equally, with the mock meat products, asked questions, not been so judgemental. I don't blame you for being upset especially in light of your kindness. She sounds like one of life's drains, not a radiator, that you should have minimal contact with. You can imagine why people have cut her off if she has behaved similarly with them.

I’m tend to agree with this poster. Your sentiment was right but your wording was insensitive and clumsy making the focus of the text the way you said it rather than the content.

She upset you. You told her and she ignored that. All she needed to say was sorry she upset you.
The whole excuse of having a lot on is rubbish, I hate when people use this - it stinks of them thinking their lives and issues are most important than peoples who they have upset. We all have a lot on.

Conflict is more easily resolved if you don’t put someone in the position of having to grovel to win you back. I think it’s the same. You’ve labelled her rude. You’ve taken her views of veganism personally. It would have been better handled had you said something like “steady on, I don’t comment on your food choices”. Job done. Friendship maintained.

Why does it matter what other peoples food looks or tastes like? It was rude.
I have friends who are meat eaters, vegetarian like me, and vegans. I may not like what they eat but that doesn't mean I need to say insulting things about it.

It largely depends what is wrong with her, if she has cancer or is seriously ill then yes you were petty to bring it up. If she has had minor surgery or similar then it’s okay to tell others if they have overstepped.

If she can’t give you a reason why she’s pissed off at you and left it very vague and open that’s a huge red flag for me. I used to have a friend that would do this and it was all a mind game. She baited you and it’s really unfair. Don’t fall for this second line she left dangling.