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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pathetic friendship issue

57 replies

Addictedtomushroompate · 01/01/2026 20:22

I'm a rare commenter but long term lurker looking for objective perspectives.

I'm in a book club, have been for four years. One of the women (D) is estranged from her mother and her son with few friends. She's been very ill recently and the group has been rallying round. I've walked her dogs, taken her shopping, cooked her meals I've dropped off, accompanied her to a hospital appointment which took 3.5 hours on a work day (where she listed me as her emergency contact). She thanked me but no other recompense (not that I expected or would have accepted it). Then, in a group WhatsApp chat about preparing for a bookclub meet, she made several jibes about veganism (I've turned vegan recently after being veggie for 35 years). I'd said I was happy to bring stuff if she found it difficult and she made stupid comments about not understanding why vegans wanted food to look like meat and that vegan cheese was disgusting. I was very annoyed. One of the others messaged me privately to say D's messages had made her uncomfortable. I drafted a polite message which I sent privately:

Hi D, I just wanted to say that I felt quite hurt and pissed off after your constant jibes about veganism the other night. I'm sure you didn't mean it to come across that way but I found it really rude and insulting to the point that I haven't decided if I'm going to come on Tuesday. I think I've been quite a supportive friend over the last few months and it feels like a real kick for my friendship to be reciprocated in that way. I don't like keeping quiet so wanted to get it out there. Lx

That was 9th November. No further contact until today when she messaged to say she thought we should meet up to sort things out because they had escalated. I replied that if I'd have had an acknowledgment to my message (ideally an apology), there would be no issue but that the lack of response has exacerbated how I felt.

D responded that she's had bigger issues to deal with and she was also pissed off with me. I assume this was that I'd raised the concern at all - I genuinely have done nothing but support her. She has had a tough time (hence the support!) but I have gone out of my way to support someone who, whilst a friend, is not a close one, whilst running a business, raising two children (one with complex health needs) and dealing with other commitments.

I don't think I've done anything wrong here and I've had a tough time lately which has meant her response today has really upset me. Seriously, am I wrong for raising what I did?

OP posts:
Neolara · 01/01/2026 22:15

SBGM247 · 01/01/2026 21:05

You took it very personally. I don't understand why vegans want food to look like meat either and it's probably true that vegan cheese is disgusting.

Why would that personally offend you? You are not the food. You are not your diet. Maybe relax.

This.

MCF86 · 01/01/2026 22:16

174ghxt · 01/01/2026 21:15

Am going to offer another perspective. As a non-vegan who adores real cheese, I would agree with her - the vegan cheese I have tried was really disgusting. Also, it is an interesting question, why people who reject meat want their vegan food to resemble meat. So you could argue that she is entitled to her opinions and was not necessarily rude. Only you know the tone of the messages but even then if it's not face to face communication there is room for misunderstandings. Also, I like liver, for example, and would have/have had absolutely no problem with people saying liver is disgusting. These things are subjective. At most she was tactless.
With regard to your exceptional kindness and support when she was ill, I think she is more at fault here, because if I was her, I would have thanked you profusely and definitely bought you a gift or something to show my appreciation.
I think if she had behaved better on this, I think you perhaps would have tolerated the food comments better. Ingratitude really stings.

I hold the same opinions, I had to cut out dairy for a while when breastfeeding and I must have tried every cheese possible.... but if someone who had been that kind to me said they'd felt like it was a personal insult I certainly wouldn't have ignored their message! I'd have felt awful that it came across that way and applogised for upsetting them.

BillieWiper · 01/01/2026 22:25

SBGM247 · 01/01/2026 21:05

You took it very personally. I don't understand why vegans want food to look like meat either and it's probably true that vegan cheese is disgusting.

Why would that personally offend you? You are not the food. You are not your diet. Maybe relax.

Yeah to me if a friend said they thought something I ate sounded disgusting I would just laugh. I'm not planning on forcing them to eat it.

It wasn't as if you served her a meal and she snagged it off while sitting there eating it. She wasn't insulting you personally. Same as you wouldn't be if you said meat was disgusting.

But anyway she wasn't very grateful for your help and you clearly feel hurt so I guess you want the friendship to end?

Driftingawaynow · 01/01/2026 22:34

Groberts · 01/01/2026 21:51

Conflict is more easily resolved if you don’t put someone in the position of having to grovel to win you back. I think it’s the same. You’ve labelled her rude. You’ve taken her views of veganism personally. It would have been better handled had you said something like “steady on, I don’t comment on your food choices”. Job done. Friendship maintained.

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Very well said.

Hollieandtheivie · 01/01/2026 22:51

Some people seem to be personally offended by me being a vegetarian. I think they are feeling silently judged, whereas in actual fact I'm not interested in other people's food choices. When I notice the defensiveness, I just clock it and don't take it personally. It's actually nothing to do with me.

Original poster
Addictedtomushroompate · 01/01/2026 23:12

Just to be really clear, after confirming D said she was hosting the next book club, I said I was properly vegan now so if she wanted me to bring any food along, I was happy to do so. Cue attack on veganism. I don't care if anyone doesn't agree with what I believe in but it was a completely unsolicited attack which made others uncomfortable.

in terms of book club, this will likely end it. I'll stay close to the two I'm closest to (only five of us) but it's a shame.

Thanks for all opinions...

OP posts:
Ladymeade · 02/01/2026 17:59

I would tell her to FO and then FO some more. If one of my friends had said I'd hurt her feelings, I would have had a good look at myself and apologised (even if I didn't change my opinion}

FuzzyWolf · 02/01/2026 18:03

I wouldn’t bother to meet up with her because the issue is hers and not your fault. At least you now know why she doesn’t have relationships with family or any friends.

ReadingTime · 02/01/2026 18:06

I would just have a diary clash whenever she's hosting, but still go when it's someone else. It would be a shame to drop your book club if everyone else is nice.

Comewhatmay25 · 02/01/2026 18:13

I think its a good end to the friendship. I would just say I think this has highlighted to me that we value our friendships differently. There will be no hard feelings but you think a bit of space is what is needed now and wish her all the best.

Greenfinch7 · 02/01/2026 18:15

174ghxt · 01/01/2026 21:15

Am going to offer another perspective. As a non-vegan who adores real cheese, I would agree with her - the vegan cheese I have tried was really disgusting. Also, it is an interesting question, why people who reject meat want their vegan food to resemble meat. So you could argue that she is entitled to her opinions and was not necessarily rude. Only you know the tone of the messages but even then if it's not face to face communication there is room for misunderstandings. Also, I like liver, for example, and would have/have had absolutely no problem with people saying liver is disgusting. These things are subjective. At most she was tactless.
With regard to your exceptional kindness and support when she was ill, I think she is more at fault here, because if I was her, I would have thanked you profusely and definitely bought you a gift or something to show my appreciation.
I think if she had behaved better on this, I think you perhaps would have tolerated the food comments better. Ingratitude really stings.

This is not a fair parallel.

Imagine living in a society where everyone was vegan and there were just a few meat eaters who were teased and sneered at. If you became a meat eater and were the only one in your book group, and then someone in the group posted a derisive comment about meat being murder, mentioning how revolting it is to eat dead creatures who have been tortured throughout their lives... that might be a parallel.

gardenflowergirl · 02/01/2026 18:24

Now you know why she fell out with her relatives - her attitude.

Original poster
Addictedtomushroompate · 02/01/2026 18:24

Thank you for the additional comments. I met up with a book club friend today and she feels meeting up would be pointless. I'm inclined to agree. I don't value her 'friendship' enough to spend my time being shouted at about how raising a concern made her feel. A decent person would just apologise for hurting my feelings and that would be it.

For those who said it wasn't personal, one comment D made was 'I'm just going to sit you in a corner with a pan of lentils'. That's personal.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 02/01/2026 18:28

I think friend was in the wrong. Leaving aside the support you had already given to her, all you did was to say you were now vegan and offered to bring suitable food.

I have vegan friends and would be delighted if they offered to bring suitable food to something I was hosting. I admit to having similar thoughts to the ones expressed by the friend, but that wasn't the time or place to air those views.

Friend appears to be a bit self-orientated and lacking in appreciation of those around them and intolerant of their choices.

I can see why they are short of friends and family.

OP - run for the hills!

Original poster
Addictedtomushroompate · 02/01/2026 18:33

Comewhatmay25 · 02/01/2026 18:13

I think its a good end to the friendship. I would just say I think this has highlighted to me that we value our friendships differently. There will be no hard feelings but you think a bit of space is what is needed now and wish her all the best.

Thank you. I like this wording....

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/01/2026 18:37

174ghxt · 01/01/2026 21:15

Am going to offer another perspective. As a non-vegan who adores real cheese, I would agree with her - the vegan cheese I have tried was really disgusting. Also, it is an interesting question, why people who reject meat want their vegan food to resemble meat. So you could argue that she is entitled to her opinions and was not necessarily rude. Only you know the tone of the messages but even then if it's not face to face communication there is room for misunderstandings. Also, I like liver, for example, and would have/have had absolutely no problem with people saying liver is disgusting. These things are subjective. At most she was tactless.
With regard to your exceptional kindness and support when she was ill, I think she is more at fault here, because if I was her, I would have thanked you profusely and definitely bought you a gift or something to show my appreciation.
I think if she had behaved better on this, I think you perhaps would have tolerated the food comments better. Ingratitude really stings.

Its not a reasonable question to apropos of nothing tell a vegan you can't understand why they want their food to look like meat.
Its not curiosity, its a bad faith comment made to vegans with tedious regularity, designed to imply they are being silly or hypocritical.

When you add in the disgust at vegan food and telling OP she'll be in the corner with lentils, its fairly obvious the woman was indulging in vegan bashing. Which I get people often love to do, but she's supposed to be OPs friend.

LilyBunch25 · 02/01/2026 18:47

Had this with a now ex friend months ago. When they finally messaged out of the blue made it all about them. Blocked ever since.

Shitmonger · 02/01/2026 19:02

Hiptothisjive · 01/01/2026 21:34

I’m tend to agree with this poster. Your sentiment was right but your wording was insensitive and clumsy making the focus of the text the way you said it rather than the content.

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I also agree. I think the text was too much and confrontational in tone. It was always going to be perceived as an attack and wasn’t going to result in anything but more conflict.

Sachii · 02/01/2026 19:11

Good lord … you fell out with her because she said vegan cheese was disgusting. Maybe she does have bigger things to deal with, as she’s been having to go to hospital:

Youre angry at her because she’s not doing what you want. Not offering to pay and not giving you the apology you thought you deserved. Life is going to be one big fa disappointment if you judge everyone as not living up to your invisible standards.

Catterbat · 02/01/2026 19:12

This is a bit off topic, sorry, but can people really not understand why vegans would want to eat something that looks or tastes like meat? Do you think the only reason people are vegan is because they don’t like the look or taste of meat?

I don’t think friend taking the piss out of vegan food was a big deal and I’d have just laughed it off. It wasn’t personal. Huge overreaction from the OP. Vegan cheese tastes like envelope glue

Newsenmum · 02/01/2026 19:14

I think we can see why she is estranged from family members.

TheaBrandt1 · 02/01/2026 19:31

I think the vegan issue is a red herring. A person being rude and hostile about your perfectly valid lifestyle choice whatever it may be is just horrible.

tommyhoundmum · 02/01/2026 19:48

5128gap · 01/01/2026 20:33

You were perfectly reasonable to call out her rudeness. A true friend would have been upset they'd offended you and apologised. But she did nothing until now. It's probably a safe bet to assume she is need of your help again. In your position I'd tell her that the time has passed and while you have no animosity towards her and will be friendly, you don't really want to be more involved than that.

This

Brideofclover · 02/01/2026 22:31

Addictedtomushroompate · 02/01/2026 18:33

Thank you. I like this wording....

Show quote history

Can you set up your own book club?

IsawwhatIsaw · 02/01/2026 22:39

Op had put herself out to help this woman when she was ill and felt previously she had not been that appreciative. This woman’s subsequent comments sounded rude.
I’d say she’s not a friend and I’d keep contact with the others but distance her.