Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex will only have contact with our son if I am present?

27 replies

Mumoftwo388 · 01/01/2026 20:21

My ex partner is only allowed supervised visits to our son after he was reported to social services for emotional abuse to his child (not the child we share) and domestic abuse to myself.
Since this happened I have been having to take our child to public places to meet him once a week. However he keeps kicking off and sending nasty messages if there's things he doesn't like about my life. For example, he will look at my family members on Facebook and get nasty with me if he sees I have been out with family and he's never been told. He also recently was driving past my home, he then sent me nasty messages because my living room looked like it had changed and I hadn't told him. I checked my doorbell after he had told me and he had drove past my house 4 times as slow as he could. This made me feel very uneasy but when I voiced my concerns, of course I was overreacting and accusing him of being a stalker (I never even suggested he was stalking.) He went on to tell me he had only drove round because I hadn't answered the phone to him that day and he thought it meant I was seeing another man (I am absolutely not)

I then said I didn't feel comfortable communicating with him anymore and he started sending a lot of abusive messages. This went on for a few days until he wasn't getting a response from me, he then apologised. I tried to be civil with him and have seen him once in a public play area so he could see our child. However the whole time I felt uncomfortable. He asked to see our child Christmas day, I said no cause there wasn't a public place to go to and I would not leave my other child on Christmas day. He is also pushing to try get me to go to his new place with our son, even suggesting we stay over.

This has since kicked him off again and I am once again getting nasty messages, saying horrible things about myself, my child that isn't his and my family. I said we need to sort something else out as I don't want to have to see him myself anymore. I keep getting phone calls and messages.

Would I be unreasonable to block him and tell him if he wants to see our child he will need to sort this legally in someway, having someone other than myself supervising the contact? It's making me ill and ruining my life having to still have contact with him. He just won't let me be or accept that it's over, says I'm ruining his life and there's no point him living.

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 01/01/2026 20:28

He needs a clear boundary. The manipulation by him stops now.

Supervised contact can be arranged at a contact centre. Block his number and advise all communication must be via email. Report his stalking to the police. Be clear your life and private business is not his concern. Keep the Ring doorbell footage just in case. What a loser driving past like that. Even if you were seeing someone it’s none of his business.

I would ask family members to lock down their social media to stop his stalking and snooping.

Icecreamisthebest · 01/01/2026 20:30

He can organise supervised contact in a contact centre.

He just wants to abuse and control you and your DC. That’s why he wants you there. What an appalling parent he is. Be the good parent that you are and refuse to accept this.

HopeGraceFaith · 01/01/2026 20:32

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I would mute but not block so you can keep calls and messages as evidence. Contact women's aid or equivalent in your area for specific advice.

You shouldn't have to be abused to allow him access. Typically abusers don't even care about seeing the child and they're using the contact to continue to control you. This hurts the child too.

Personally I wouldn't even explain unless there's some kind of legal thing in place. In which case seek professional advice. Have safety measures in place when you decide to do all this because behaviour can escalate and become more aggressive as he realises he's losing control and access.

NeedyLimeMember · 01/01/2026 20:32

This is post-separation abuse and you absolutely do not have to stand for it. I would recommend speaking to women's aid or your local domestic abuse services to get some advice. They will probably suggest you log everything with the police, or at least ensure you are keeping a log yourself.

bombastix · 01/01/2026 20:34

I would say that you probably need to get something more formal in place as this man is trying to manipulate you and with your child present. That’s the best case. The real case is that he’s an abuser who likes your dependency and will hurt you both . You need to see a lawyer who deals with domestic abuse.

beAsensible1 · 01/01/2026 20:34

You need to be using a contact centre, they can supervise. Not you.

you should be having limited to no communication with this man. Keep the recording of him driving by sounds like you’ll need a non-mol

CleverOpalBalonz · 01/01/2026 20:34

I recommend reporting to the police and contacting your local domestic abuse service for support and advice. It doesn’t sound appropriate for you to be communicating with him or supervising contact.

QuickBrown · 01/01/2026 20:34

I came on to say post separation abuse as well. Please get support from local da services. Best wishes.

Snaletrale · 01/01/2026 20:36

Contact centre only. Have a separate phone or use an app specifically to arrange contact. No other communication.

ForMyNextTrickIWillMakeThisVodkaDisappear · 01/01/2026 20:37

Block him and report him for stalking you. He can go through family court to get contact (supervised) set up. You cannot have a civil relationship with someone who is abusive because no matter how much you try he will shit all over it every chance he gets.

ThisCyanPoet · 01/01/2026 20:38

Apply to the court for a non-molestation order. You have more than enough evidence to get one.

Communicate only through e-mail or a parenting app regards to your child only. Ignore anything else he messages.

Stop facilitating the supervised contact, you shouldn’t be doing that as a victim of DV as it is allowing him to continue abusing you. He needs to arrange a contact centre or he can’t see DC.

CatsLikeBoxes · 01/01/2026 20:39

Agree that best course of action is to report to the police.
Years ago I had similar - turning up at my door / texting me and the police took it seriously.
Only by involving the police did the abuse / harassment etc stop.

Hollyleaves · 01/01/2026 20:40

Mumoftwo388 · 01/01/2026 20:21

My ex partner is only allowed supervised visits to our son after he was reported to social services for emotional abuse to his child (not the child we share) and domestic abuse to myself.
Since this happened I have been having to take our child to public places to meet him once a week. However he keeps kicking off and sending nasty messages if there's things he doesn't like about my life. For example, he will look at my family members on Facebook and get nasty with me if he sees I have been out with family and he's never been told. He also recently was driving past my home, he then sent me nasty messages because my living room looked like it had changed and I hadn't told him. I checked my doorbell after he had told me and he had drove past my house 4 times as slow as he could. This made me feel very uneasy but when I voiced my concerns, of course I was overreacting and accusing him of being a stalker (I never even suggested he was stalking.) He went on to tell me he had only drove round because I hadn't answered the phone to him that day and he thought it meant I was seeing another man (I am absolutely not)

I then said I didn't feel comfortable communicating with him anymore and he started sending a lot of abusive messages. This went on for a few days until he wasn't getting a response from me, he then apologised. I tried to be civil with him and have seen him once in a public play area so he could see our child. However the whole time I felt uncomfortable. He asked to see our child Christmas day, I said no cause there wasn't a public place to go to and I would not leave my other child on Christmas day. He is also pushing to try get me to go to his new place with our son, even suggesting we stay over.

This has since kicked him off again and I am once again getting nasty messages, saying horrible things about myself, my child that isn't his and my family. I said we need to sort something else out as I don't want to have to see him myself anymore. I keep getting phone calls and messages.

Would I be unreasonable to block him and tell him if he wants to see our child he will need to sort this legally in someway, having someone other than myself supervising the contact? It's making me ill and ruining my life having to still have contact with him. He just won't let me be or accept that it's over, says I'm ruining his life and there's no point him living.

Clear boundary contact centre and supervised visits only. Get a new phone and give him that number and phone and use that and a separate email to contact him. Take the emotion out.

clear boundaries - contact is not with me it is with DC. If he isn’t safe it’s contact centre - Google your nearest one. You go and drop child and he goes for contact and you pick up.

Hockorydickerydock · 01/01/2026 20:41

Get none molestation order and find someone to do visits or contact centre

DurinsBane · 01/01/2026 20:41

Mumoftwo388 · 01/01/2026 20:21

My ex partner is only allowed supervised visits to our son after he was reported to social services for emotional abuse to his child (not the child we share) and domestic abuse to myself.
Since this happened I have been having to take our child to public places to meet him once a week. However he keeps kicking off and sending nasty messages if there's things he doesn't like about my life. For example, he will look at my family members on Facebook and get nasty with me if he sees I have been out with family and he's never been told. He also recently was driving past my home, he then sent me nasty messages because my living room looked like it had changed and I hadn't told him. I checked my doorbell after he had told me and he had drove past my house 4 times as slow as he could. This made me feel very uneasy but when I voiced my concerns, of course I was overreacting and accusing him of being a stalker (I never even suggested he was stalking.) He went on to tell me he had only drove round because I hadn't answered the phone to him that day and he thought it meant I was seeing another man (I am absolutely not)

I then said I didn't feel comfortable communicating with him anymore and he started sending a lot of abusive messages. This went on for a few days until he wasn't getting a response from me, he then apologised. I tried to be civil with him and have seen him once in a public play area so he could see our child. However the whole time I felt uncomfortable. He asked to see our child Christmas day, I said no cause there wasn't a public place to go to and I would not leave my other child on Christmas day. He is also pushing to try get me to go to his new place with our son, even suggesting we stay over.

This has since kicked him off again and I am once again getting nasty messages, saying horrible things about myself, my child that isn't his and my family. I said we need to sort something else out as I don't want to have to see him myself anymore. I keep getting phone calls and messages.

Would I be unreasonable to block him and tell him if he wants to see our child he will need to sort this legally in someway, having someone other than myself supervising the contact? It's making me ill and ruining my life having to still have contact with him. He just won't let me be or accept that it's over, says I'm ruining his life and there's no point him living.

If he is abusive, refuse to meet him. If it is court ordered that it is only supervised contact, he will have to use a contact centre if there is no one else you trust and would be willing to meet him. He will have to pay for the contact centre, but surely that will be worth it to see his child

Hollyleaves · 01/01/2026 20:45

With the phone only discuss by text (not phone call) and keep it clear. Eg Emma will be at the contact centre on Saturday 3 rd January at 9-11 am please confirm by Thursday 1 st January by 5 pm that you will be attending contact. Thanks

ignore baiting and raging he doesn’t confirm by Thursday you text on Friday and say:

Your attendance for contact offered with Emma was not confirmed. Next contact offered is Saturday 25 th January at the contact centre from 9-11 please confirm you we be attending by Thursday 23 rd January at 5 pm. Thanks.

block him on everything and all SM and don’t post anything to stir the pot and put everything to private.

BootsandCatss · 01/01/2026 20:46

Ive been in a similar situation OP, court ordered that there is no contact between me and him at all and suggested a contact centre which he refused due to the cost and my mum stepped in to supervise the visits, they lasted a few weeks before he stopped turning up.

Do you have a family member who would be willing to supervise? Ideally it should go through a contact centre but he may refuse.

Hollyleaves · 01/01/2026 20:46

Courts like to see you arrange proactively contact unless there is police or SS involvement or risk to the child. In which case a court order is needed. It sounds like it might go this route….

CactusSwoonedEnding · 01/01/2026 20:47

Yanbu he is using these contact visits to control and abuse you. You have every right to have minimal contact with him and for him to know nothing at all about your life as you move on from this abusive relationship.

This probably needs to be settled in court though. Keep all the abusive messages and submit them as evidence that you need a restraining order to stop him from coming near you or your home, calling you, or messaging you about anything other than arrangements for suitable contact visits at a contact centre where you are not present for.

NewCushions · 01/01/2026 20:51

Everything everyone else has said.

But I will add to this. He has been guilty of domestic abuse against you. And I will put money on actually, tge abuse being far longer term and more complex than just domestic violence. I can tell by the way you still feel you need to justify or explain yourself (assuring us you didnt accuse him of stalking or that you aren't seeing anyone. When stalking was very clearly what he was doing while driving past your house 4 times, and you could ve sleeping wjth the entire Welsh rugby team and it's irrelevant).

Which means you need to gain confidence in asserting boundaries. Key is to remember that a boundary means nothing to the other person and, especially in the case of abuse, excepting him to respect them is pointless. The point of a boundary is therefore not to get him to change, but to feel 100% clear and confident in how you will respond when he breaks them. In this case,:
stalking and abusive messages (with a history of violence against you): police
Interrogating you about your private life during contact time: you will no longer facilitate contact and he must sort it via a contact centre.

And feel confident knowing these are perfectly reasonable responses to his behaviour.

Barney16 · 01/01/2026 20:54

Isn't driving past your house very slowly 4 times stalking? And all his nonsense is abusive. I wouldn't engage with him at all. He can sort out booking the contact centre.

Original poster
Mumoftwo388 · 01/01/2026 21:32

Thank you all so much for your helpful responses. He's been so good at manipulating me over the years and making me question every decision I make. So to hear others tell me I'm not wrong for how I'm feeling and how I want to move forward really does help.

Also some helpful advice, that I will definitely follow.

I do question whether he actually wants a relationship with our child or if he just wants to continue to have some sort of control over my life.

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 01/01/2026 21:35

That sounds unbelievably awful - honestly, the best scenario here sounds like he doesn’t see your child at all, the bareable scenario here seems to be he sees your child but only on the presence of a professional who will be able to report him and get him removed from your child’s life if he is abusive.

I completely agree with the other comments - you are being stalked if he is driving past your window 4 times to try, you should feel free to be dating etc and obviously you don’t because your ex is continuing to abuse you. Report it all to the police. Ideally try and get a restaurant order. Hopefully this is enough to get him out of your child’s life as well.

miamo12 · 01/01/2026 21:38

He needs to use a contact centre, whoever told you he must have supervised visits should be able to set this up, needs to be a court ordered one as opposed to the volunteer run centres (we run the latter but couldn’t legally stop him from leaving the premises with the child, it more for parents who just don’t get along)

Moonlightfrog · 01/01/2026 21:48

Mumoftwo388 · 01/01/2026 21:32

Thank you all so much for your helpful responses. He's been so good at manipulating me over the years and making me question every decision I make. So to hear others tell me I'm not wrong for how I'm feeling and how I want to move forward really does help.

Also some helpful advice, that I will definitely follow.

I do question whether he actually wants a relationship with our child or if he just wants to continue to have some sort of control over my life.

I would take a bet on it being him wanting to have control over you. If you refuse to bring your child to see him he will have to use a contact centre, chances are he won’t turn up for visits.

At the moment family courts are all for children having contact with their father even if they have been abusive toward the child’s mother. This is all due to change (so I have been told) and abusive men will not be given contact to their children. It makes me angry that this isn’t already the case. At the moment men that have raped and/or abused the mother of their child can get contact and parental rights which is just crazy.

This man is still abusing you, stalking you and trying to control you. Do not go to meet him with your child, do report him for harassment (the police do take it seriously), keep all the messages he sends you as proof and if you see him outside your house call the police. If he wants to see his child he can do it at a contact centre, but I very much doubt he will keep up regular visits.