To think that if a man in his 40s needs to be hinted at and told for months about getting married then he doesn’t really want to get married?

[throwitallawayday]

The consensus on mumsnet tends to be that if a man wants to marry you he will ask you and not need any hints or telling, or being told by his girlfriend what ring he should buy her in this case. Do men need prompting or if they truly want to get married do they just go ahead and ask? Perhaps some men need a push but I’m not convinced a divorced man in his 40s would. Would you feel confident if you’d had to coach him into it? I wouldn’t personally and would be plagued by doubts.

Today marks 13 years of not being with my abusive exH. He’s still angry that I dared to divorce him after he had an affair and left. It’s awful at the time but I’m so glad he did. I don’t want to be married again and don’t even want a relationship. I’m happy to be single.

What marriage vows did you make?! Your comment is hugely offensive to married families who can't have a kid.
Two spouses are each others family, legally.

Me and my husband are proudly childfree. Our marriage is as valid as yours. Our vows, like everyone else's, were to each other. It's a legal document making two people financially linked.

Marriage isn’t important/necessary to everyone. It’s the sort of thing most couples discuss early on and then probably later down the line. If there’s a mismatch and one can’t imagine their life without marriage, it’s probably best to split.

Why wait for him to ask? He's probably happy with the status quo. If you want to marry just ask.

I think hinting and making sneaky suggestions is immature for such a serious relationship tbh. It should be something you can just sit down and talk openly about and his feelings on marriage and proposing shouldn't come as a total surprise. I don't think I'd want to marry someone I didn't know exactly where they stood and what their timeline of personal goals was.

At the same time, I do think that most men I know are a bit more laid back when it comes to things like marriage etc which I'm guessing is down to biological factors - they can afford to take more time before deciding when to have children without too big an impact on fertility. So I can see why women are more focused on this as they don't want to 'waste' fertile years if someone's not aligned with them.

If a man is 40 and unmarried it’s likely a conscious decision to remain unmarried

I think there are male female cultural differences around communication in our society and a lot of men do not register hints or interpret them the way women do. And women can fail to appreciate the value of being straight forward. (Talking very generally, obviously not all men and not all women)

I also think it can be nerve wracking for men to always be the initiators and that they have less cultural pressure than women pushing them to value marriage

So I wouldn’t necessarily say ignored hints are sufficient to say he doesn’t want to marry. But if you’ve asked him and he’s demurred or had a sit down conversation where you’ve said marriage is important and you aren’t prepared to wait years, then I agree he doesn’t want to, even if he’s said maybe, at some point, in the future, etc.

I think lots of men don't especially want to get married, but as long as they want to be with you that is the main thing - you just have to say marriage is part of the deal for you, and if not, you are out.