Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if a man in his 40s needs to be hinted at and told for months about getting married then he doesn’t really want to get married?

33 replies

throwitallawayday · 01/01/2026 19:22

The consensus on mumsnet tends to be that if a man wants to marry you he will ask you and not need any hints or telling, or being told by his girlfriend what ring he should buy her in this case. Do men need prompting or if they truly want to get married do they just go ahead and ask? Perhaps some men need a push but I’m not convinced a divorced man in his 40s would. Would you feel confident if you’d had to coach him into it? I wouldn’t personally and would be plagued by doubts.

OP posts:
HipHopDontYouStop · 01/01/2026 19:23

Correct.

He doesn’t want to.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 01/01/2026 19:28

Yup. Most people would discuss their future plans for a relationship with their significant other. In 2026 the decision to marry should not be the sole preserve of one person.

IMO The decision to marry is a joint decision..Both parties should have a say.

Daisy12Maisie · 01/01/2026 19:35

I think if you meet someone when you are late 30’s or beyond you should have that conversation early on.
eg do you want any/ more children.
do you want to get married in the future.
would you like to move in together in the future.

I find it bizarre when people haven’t even spoken about it then expect someone to propose without even knowing what their thoughts are on marriage.

I am 43. I wouldn’t consider getting married now for various reasons but mainly as I want my children to inherit from me and make future medical decisions etc. I would love to live with someone in the future but not if that involved blending families/ children.

My partner and I spoke about it all when we met. He doesn’t want to get married as he is a lot better off than me financially so in his position he would be silly to get married.
He would like us to live together but agrees
that it would be too difficult whilst we both have children living at home.

If he suddenly proposed now it would be odd as we haven’t had a discussion to say we have changed our minds. I would say no.

I find the idea of proposals can be very misogynistic anyway. Why does the man get to have all the power and make all the decisions. I know several couples where the man used it as a bargaining tool.
Eg Stop arguing with me and I’ll consider proposing this year. This was used when she raised very valid points about his behaviour so she wasn’t “arguing with him.”

I don’t understand why people can’t just have an adult conversation about what they both want and this either aligns, it doesn’t align but they are happy to compromise or it doesn’t align and it’s a deal breaker for them.

vincettenoir · 01/01/2026 19:37

I only have one friend whose husband was ready for marriage before she was. I think in most cases marriage is discussed before any proposal and it’s usually the woman who brings it up the topic.

Raquelos · 01/01/2026 19:38

The idea of waiting for the man to propose is so weird to me. You're two adults in a presumably serious relationship, just have the conversation and decide if you both want to get married.

heraldgerald · 01/01/2026 19:41

2 adults decide and you talk about what you both feel comfortable with / find romantic or memorable for the proposal engagement party wedding etc. No coaxing or coaching involved but some men feel the burden of toxic masculinity more than others and can get anxious imo

LlynTegid · 01/01/2026 19:43

I think the presumption should be of not wanting to marry. There will be exceptions of course, such as men who just never get round to doing certain things (we have probably all worked with people both male and female like that).

SBGM247 · 01/01/2026 19:43

throwitallawayday · 01/01/2026 19:22

The consensus on mumsnet tends to be that if a man wants to marry you he will ask you and not need any hints or telling, or being told by his girlfriend what ring he should buy her in this case. Do men need prompting or if they truly want to get married do they just go ahead and ask? Perhaps some men need a push but I’m not convinced a divorced man in his 40s would. Would you feel confident if you’d had to coach him into it? I wouldn’t personally and would be plagued by doubts.

Getting married is for making babies and having a family. If my Wife left me that'd be if. No point getting married if it's not about that.

Thepossibility · 01/01/2026 19:43

I agree. I mentioned to my DH once that if he asked I would say yes. His face lit up and I knew a proposal wouldn't be far away.
He's been the best DH and enthusiastically wanting be married to me was a green flag for sure.

SBGM247 · 01/01/2026 19:44

Thepossibility · 01/01/2026 19:43

I agree. I mentioned to my DH once that if he asked I would say yes. His face lit up and I knew a proposal wouldn't be far away.
He's been the best DH and enthusiastically wanting be married to me was a green flag for sure.

Well played @Thepossibility .

ZenNudist · 01/01/2026 19:47

I think you have a proper honest conversation about your needs and expectations. Hints and cajoling not necessary. There's no need to rush into anything in middle age. There's as much of a financial arrangement as well as love when you are both older and may have other dependants to worry about plus what are your retirement plans amd address any disparity in assets or earnings. It's not an easy thing to enter into lightly. Love and companionship are only one side of it.

What's your situation?

ShesTheAlbatross · 01/01/2026 19:47

Do men need prompting or if they truly want to get married to they just go ahead and ask?

Neither? Surely nowadays couples discuss this at various points in the relationship. I find it hard to believe now that any man is proposing without a fairly solid idea that she’ll say yes, because they’ve talked about the future.

Frynye · 01/01/2026 19:48

Raquelos · 01/01/2026 19:38

The idea of waiting for the man to propose is so weird to me. You're two adults in a presumably serious relationship, just have the conversation and decide if you both want to get married.

This is my bug bear, this and asking her dad’s permission.
its 2026 it’s your decision an no one else’s. Have a conversation like grown ups

Lmnop22 · 01/01/2026 19:58

I think in circumstances where one party has made it very clear they want to be proposed to and the other party has not proposed, that’s because they don’t want to marry the other party.

Original poster
throwitallawayday · 01/01/2026 20:15

I agree that it should be a discussion between both adults. I should have phrased it better. Having children from previous marriages does complicate things. I’d hope they would safeguard their respective kids’ inheritance for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
throwitallawayday · 01/01/2026 22:44

There’s a lot of women on mumsnet though that are holding out for the fairytale romantic proposal. I blame Disney, Hollywood in general and romantic fiction for unrealistic expectations. I think our children need to be brought up learning that marriage is a partnership of equals that gives legal protections rather than romantic ideal. Romance is lovely of course but is marriage actually romantic? I’m not convinced. Romance can be part of it of course but ultimately it’s a legal contract between two people. I wish I’d understood this when younger.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 01/01/2026 23:22

when I reached the stage in a relationship where I wanted to get married I discussed it. I would not have wanted to live with a man long term and definitely not have children without being married

TalulahJP · 01/01/2026 23:30

you mentioned kids inheritance. there is no such thing as a legal prenup in the uk. when say a woman marries and dies the spouse gets the majority of the estate. her kids can very likely lose out as he will get the money and may not give her kids anything other than what they are legally entitled to. which is very little.

i wouldn’t marry now. not til they legalise prenups in the uk.

PermanentTemporary · 01/01/2026 23:36

I’m engaged for the third time at 56. We both have adult children from previous relationships.

Dp floated the idea of marriage in a roundabout way after about 6 months. I shut that down straight away by saying I didn’t think we needed a legal framework. At 4 years in, I raised it again and said that I would quite like to be married. He said, why change what’s good. I genuinely let go of it completely and felt happy. He proposed 5 years in and it was a genuine surprise to me.

What’s the message? Not sure. I guess I would say, if you would like to get married, bring it up. And imo it is always a reasonable question, it’s a normal part of life.

Starseeking · 02/01/2026 00:12

I would agree with your OP.

I had explicit conversations about future aspirations including marriage and DC with my EXDP when we met in our mid 30’s.

Due to our ages, we agreed to try for DC first (this was so silly of me!) and I was pregnant the first month of trying. DC2 arrived 13 months after DC1.

After the DC arrived and we’d settled into our routines, I mentioned marriage once or twice a year and he always said leave it to him, and he didn’t want a big wedding, but no proposal ever came.

Covid hit, and I thought he’d be pleased that we could now have a small wedding, however he made more excuses, and also became emotionally abusive, lazy, resentful and full of contempt for me.

I left him after 8 years together as it was clear he’d continue in the same behaviour vein, and that he had been stringing me along the whole time and future faking me.

I do believe that if a man wants to marry a woman he knows wants to marry him, he will get on with it to make sure nobody else snaps her up!

wafflesmgee · 02/01/2026 00:17

I think hints are ridiculous. A relationship should be based on good communication, having an honest conversation about your wants in relation to marriage is key. I find it bizarre when people think a man will somehow get scared away by this honesty. I met my future husband at 17 and we had the “do you want marriage and children” chat three months into our relationship, so we both knew what our expectations were.

Original poster
throwitallawayday · 02/01/2026 00:23

PermanentTemporary · 01/01/2026 23:36

I’m engaged for the third time at 56. We both have adult children from previous relationships.

Dp floated the idea of marriage in a roundabout way after about 6 months. I shut that down straight away by saying I didn’t think we needed a legal framework. At 4 years in, I raised it again and said that I would quite like to be married. He said, why change what’s good. I genuinely let go of it completely and felt happy. He proposed 5 years in and it was a genuine surprise to me.

What’s the message? Not sure. I guess I would say, if you would like to get married, bring it up. And imo it is always a reasonable question, it’s a normal part of life.

Awww congratulations!

OP posts:
wafflesmgee · 02/01/2026 00:24

Starseeking · 02/01/2026 00:12

I would agree with your OP.

I had explicit conversations about future aspirations including marriage and DC with my EXDP when we met in our mid 30’s.

Due to our ages, we agreed to try for DC first (this was so silly of me!) and I was pregnant the first month of trying. DC2 arrived 13 months after DC1.

After the DC arrived and we’d settled into our routines, I mentioned marriage once or twice a year and he always said leave it to him, and he didn’t want a big wedding, but no proposal ever came.

Covid hit, and I thought he’d be pleased that we could now have a small wedding, however he made more excuses, and also became emotionally abusive, lazy, resentful and full of contempt for me.

I left him after 8 years together as it was clear he’d continue in the same behaviour vein, and that he had been stringing me along the whole time and future faking me.

I do believe that if a man wants to marry a woman he knows wants to marry him, he will get on with it to make sure nobody else snaps her up!

that must have been really tough
💐

Original poster
throwitallawayday · 02/01/2026 00:24

Starseeking · 02/01/2026 00:12

I would agree with your OP.

I had explicit conversations about future aspirations including marriage and DC with my EXDP when we met in our mid 30’s.

Due to our ages, we agreed to try for DC first (this was so silly of me!) and I was pregnant the first month of trying. DC2 arrived 13 months after DC1.

After the DC arrived and we’d settled into our routines, I mentioned marriage once or twice a year and he always said leave it to him, and he didn’t want a big wedding, but no proposal ever came.

Covid hit, and I thought he’d be pleased that we could now have a small wedding, however he made more excuses, and also became emotionally abusive, lazy, resentful and full of contempt for me.

I left him after 8 years together as it was clear he’d continue in the same behaviour vein, and that he had been stringing me along the whole time and future faking me.

I do believe that if a man wants to marry a woman he knows wants to marry him, he will get on with it to make sure nobody else snaps her up!

I’m sorry, that’s so shit Flowers

OP posts:
Starseeking · 02/01/2026 02:12

Thanks @wafflesmgee@throwitallawaydaymy hopes and dreams for the life I thought I was going to live were crushed, so it was pretty rubbish at the time…

…I’m well on the other side as it was a few years ago now, DC are absolutely thriving, I’ve got an even better job than I did when I was with him (I was the higher earner) and own a lovely 1930’s semi, while EXDP is in a 2 bed flat (we parted ways with 50% of house proceeds each). Guess who’s now sniffing around (we see each other regularly due to our shared DC) claiming our split was all a big misunderstanding 🙄🙄🙄

I’m looking for a DP/future DH who values, loves and respects me, and that’s definitely not my EXDP!