BILs drinking

[123teenagerfood]

My BILs wife left him a few years ago for another man and is now remarried. His family all pretend it was an amicable split. He has since blown all his divorce money (house sale approx 100k) rents and is barely getting by. He is a big drinker 3 bottles of red is normal. Other BIL and him drank 9 bottles of red between them on Christmas day both still standing. Turns out BIL has a coke addiction. His family have their heads in the sand. BIL is a mess, lost weight, is not eating, i've raised issue with MIL, she thinks he had an overactive thyroid. What can i do to get through to them and him. BIL and I are not close.

He has always enjoyed a drink, but since his wife left it has escalated. He started a new business and it failed, his ex- wife is doing really well in comparison. I only see him every few months, but other people, inc my husband, have noticed his problem.

Husband has no clue what to do, other than maybe just keeping in touch and keeping an eye on him.

His children are all in their 20s, but do see him drunk.

Harsh truth is that alcoholics and addicts overall are not interested in what you or others think. If however they think you will support them with ready cash and a sympathetic ear then you can expect their attention immediately. Up to you if you have the energy to try and reverse this and imagine you are more important that booze and coke.

You aren’t.

I noticed that they tend to hide the bottles, such as drinking the same wine, but finishing the bottles very quickly so it looks like the same bottle, having much larger glasses than others. No one else in the family are big drinkers, few glasses each at most when we meet up. I must admit I was quiet observant and very concerned at the time.

I just dont want to facilitate his drinking i suppose. If we gather at my house in the future i will be trying to limit alcohol. If he does'nt like it he can leave.

No, i'm not BIL, but im wise enough to know that if OP raises and pushes this it wont go well. The family aren't ignorant imbeciles, they know what is going on, they are choosing not to deal with it for whatever reason. That isnt her issue to push forward, OP will be vilified as interfering and trouble causer.

If anything it needs to be DH that pushes it. Its his family, he has more place to push and he isnt, which tells its own story.

Absolutely dont facilitate it, dont invite him to drink fuelled gatherings, dont have masses of alcohol on site at your gatherings; thats a better approach.

Does he drive? I hope not. If he's drinking three bottles of wine per day he is literally never sober.

He had a lift the night i saw him. But drives for work, he would be over the limit in the morning I would think.

I had a BIL with a post-divorce drink problem. As far as I am aware his family (his own family, not their partners etc) provided a listening ear but never tried to intervene
After 5+ years he turned it around and also remarried.

Yes, that is very likely to happen but I am afraid you aren't that powerful, OP.

This man is drinking 3 bottles of wine a day- do you really think he's going to just stop because you or his mother ask him to? I used to work with addicts and they couldn't even stop to keep their children with them. I am afraid that with addiction, love doesn't conquer all. You can love someone with your whole heart and they would still choose booze over you.

Until he realises HE needs to change and is motivated to do so from within, nothing you do on this earth is going to change that.

I very much doubt, as suggested twice in your posts, that he can blame this on his ex wife “leaving him for another man”. More likely he’s always been an arsehole and his wife had the good sense to ship out before it escalated. No need to blame his life decisions on his ex, bit lazy.
All you can do is let him do what he wants to do.

My DH does want to do something, we just just don't know how to. It seems that the best option is to let it play out, but keep in contact incase he needs us at some point.

I’m speaking from experience - stay out of it. If his immediate family want to say something they should, but not you sorry.

He is actually not an arsehole, him and his wife married at 17, had 3 kids and life just happend. They grew up, the kids grew up, she moved on, he didnt expect it. His problem drinking started when she left. Its not an excuse, i dont blame her in anyway.

My mum died of alcoholism op. No need for your popcorn comment tbh - that's actually a pretty disgusting thing to say when people reading have had to watch their own family members die from addictions. Do you really think your hurt at your dh's brother being an addict gives you the right to make comments like that? It does not.

Pps are correct - there (heartbreakingly) is not a thing you can do to change his ways for him. You can avoid him (i would) or you can support him while accepting he is going to drink and do coke if he wants to. Interventions and tough love etc do not work

His wife probably tried and failed and is now doing better.

You can't change another adult's behaviour.

So many horrible threads on here about people drinking alot.

Its awful.

Get a life. Take up a nice hobby or go out running/exercising whatever.

Thank you for that simplistic take on addiction. If it was that simple, nobody would be an addict, would they?

Be better if they weren't.🙀

Maybe your husband can speak to him about it. With addicts you can't help them until they help themselves.

Whaaaaaaat??!! You think it would be better if people were NOT addicts? Wowsers. Next you'll be telling us the sky is blue Captain Obvious and I am just not ready for that truth bomb 😶

You’re a good caring SIL.

I would be very straight with him, as I think it would be good for him to know he’s not fooling anyone apart from himself.

I would point him in the right direction so that he can access help.

Realistically it’s only him that can help himself and he’s got to be ready and genuinely want to.

Sorry for your loss. The responses i got were very harsh, basically me to mind my own and leave him to it, it made me angry but I guess they are probably right.