To leave husband with a cocaine addiction

[user1471267414]

Background. I have been living with this for three years. Husband has always liked a “good time” but I could overlook the odd night out/bender. Sadly when covid hit he developed a like for taking coke in the house (found a bag one evening outside daughters bedroom). Since this time he has lost his mum (reacted badly to this, mainly due to guilt because he was shit and provided no help) and also set up/closed a business. A lot of pressure but let’s face it, life can be shit. For about 18 months I suspected he was using in the house and 18 months ago confronted with evidence. Since this time he has continually lied to me about his use of the drug. I don’t think he’s ever stopped. For the last year he’s worked in a self employed role and not given me a penny towards the bills and any spare money gone on cocaine. I paid for all of Christmas and even had to “lend” him the money for my Christmas present. For me things have come to ahead with his Christmas. He’s done nothing with us at all (we have a 9 year old) and he has taken coke basically ruined Christmas and I feel like I hate him. He makes me feel sick. Her also a slob who makes no effort with himself and does next to nothing around the house despite me working full time and doing lionshare with our child. He has the opportunity to start a new career in 2026 and it’s the only thing making me hang on in case this is what he needs to finally sort himself out. I am so unhappy I have suicidal thoughts and wonder how I’ll get him to leave. His dad won’t have him (owes him 15k and once “borrowed” hid bank card and spent 700 on it) I am lucky I have a good job so can afford to live on my own. I borrowed money off my dad to pay debts he wracked up. More wracked up since. Can someone please either give me some advice or what they have done in any sort of situation like this. I feel lonely and trapped. His behaviour over Xmas has opened my eyes and I don’t want another year like this. If I ever confront him about his problem he gets very angry tells me everything is my fault, I am a horrible person, bad parent you name it it’s said to me. I just want to be free of him. Am I unsupportive? I’ve offered help a few times but he won’t accept he needs it. It’s affecting our child now as he speaks to me badly in front of her. Haven’t dared to tell ny parents this is my second marriage and feel I’ve let them down. Only thing that keeps me going is my little girl

Even if his Dad won't (understandably) let him move in, do you think he may be willing to help you try to get him out of the house? Just thinking, if he already has some what's going on with the drug taking, he may be willing to get involved to keep his grand daughter safe.

You're 100% doing the right thing leaving him, it won't be easy, but will be so worth it in the end, when you have your own place and can live in peace with your DD.

I would also run both of your details through Experian and the others. Check what financial links you have. Make sure there are no other loans you do not know about.

As he's an addict, money may be your best bargaining tool, sad as it is. Cut off his cash supplies. It may be better to play the longer game and get him into the new job but you can take steps to separate at the same time.

Can he move to his dad's for a few weeks 'to sort himself out'. In this time get the house on the market (assuming you can't buy him out). Have all your paperwork, legal advice etc sorted.

It won't be easy but if you are making secret plans to get out then it may help you to feel there is a way out. Unfortunately it's difficult to do it in an instant but you can do it. And it will be less damaging for your child than living like you are now. Good luck.

@user1471267414 drugs testing kids are really cheap. Buy one that tests for cocaine then next time he denies it, get the test out and make him take it. If he refuses then you know why...

You definitely need to end this.

Call/visit all external services to lay down what's happening and why you are so scared for you and DC when telling XH it's over and to leave - children's services, the police, DC's school, GP surgery, solicitor, trusted family and friends, etc - you do NOT want to make headlines in paper. All those murder suicides? DV and drugs and finances involved. Your situation fits this description.

Do it ASAP

See a lawyer, record evidence and file a restraining order to not only get him out of your house but to prevent him from having unsupervised contact with your children.

If you really don't want him to have access then you need to involve all the safeguarding procedures with your child, you can start with talking to School asking them for help. They will probably involve social services and you could have an early help worker and that early help worker will probably want to speak to your husband and that might be a tipping point for him to leave?

In any way he can then be reported to the police for any behaviour afterwards that's aggressive towards you and puts your child in a position of witnessing domestic violence.

It's very scary and obviously a choice but that would be what I would do. Depends on your area what the threshold is if you live in a really poor deprived area you might not meet the threshold for intervention but it is worth talking to school.

It's all very scary but if you don't report his behaviour you will have to do a straight divorce and your daughter will be having 50/50 with her father potentially. I'm sure he can't provide that care but it's standard now.

Hi op

2025 was the year I left the dcs dad. Hes an alcoholic, regular weed smoker but I do suspect other substances too.

The quality of my life and that of my DC improved drastically when we left him
We have just had a lovely calm christmas and new year. No worrying about what he may say or do. Amazing

Do it. Get rid

Start divorce proceedings and go from there. Anyone this monumentally selfish won’t want their DC very often anyway.

And yes, I did go through similar and have no regrets.

Life as a lone parent is way more peaceful.

Get yourself and children out of this, you deserve much better. Good luck.

Please leave this man. Your best intentions are enabling his behaviour. He won’t change.

Report to SS, and get him removed from your child’s home. Having drugs at home is dangerous.
Then go from there.