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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave husband with a cocaine addiction

61 replies

user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 21:37

Background. I have been living with this for three years. Husband has always liked a “good time” but I could overlook the odd night out/bender. Sadly when covid hit he developed a like for taking coke in the house (found a bag one evening outside daughters bedroom). Since this time he has lost his mum (reacted badly to this, mainly due to guilt because he was shit and provided no help) and also set up/closed a business. A lot of pressure but let’s face it, life can be shit. For about 18 months I suspected he was using in the house and 18 months ago confronted with evidence. Since this time he has continually lied to me about his use of the drug. I don’t think he’s ever stopped. For the last year he’s worked in a self employed role and not given me a penny towards the bills and any spare money gone on cocaine. I paid for all of Christmas and even had to “lend” him the money for my Christmas present. For me things have come to ahead with his Christmas. He’s done nothing with us at all (we have a 9 year old) and he has taken coke basically ruined Christmas and I feel like I hate him. He makes me feel sick. Her also a slob who makes no effort with himself and does next to nothing around the house despite me working full time and doing lionshare with our child. He has the opportunity to start a new career in 2026 and it’s the only thing making me hang on in case this is what he needs to finally sort himself out. I am so unhappy I have suicidal thoughts and wonder how I’ll get him to leave. His dad won’t have him (owes him 15k and once “borrowed” hid bank card and spent 700 on it) I am lucky I have a good job so can afford to live on my own. I borrowed money off my dad to pay debts he wracked up. More wracked up since. Can someone please either give me some advice or what they have done in any sort of situation like this. I feel lonely and trapped. His behaviour over Xmas has opened my eyes and I don’t want another year like this. If I ever confront him about his problem he gets very angry tells me everything is my fault, I am a horrible person, bad parent you name it it’s said to me. I just want to be free of him. Am I unsupportive? I’ve offered help a few times but he won’t accept he needs it. It’s affecting our child now as he speaks to me badly in front of her. Haven’t dared to tell ny parents this is my second marriage and feel I’ve let them down. Only thing that keeps me going is my little girl

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 31/12/2025 22:51

I was in a similar position. My ex-H was a gambling addict, who also took cocaine. The final straw was him stealing money off me.

They don’t change unfortunately. It will always be one more thing and any excuse to take cocaine and gamble, as in my ex’s case.

I told my ex-H that I was going to my friends for an hour and expected him and his stuff gone when I got back home. He was told that he if just went without a fuss, then we could talk amicably about our child and money. He knew I was serious and I had no qualms in making sure he knew I meant business. I had to do this to ensure that I protected both myself and our child.

He was gone when I got back home. Took a few years for us to be able to talk amicably, but we got things sorted out that was best for our DS and kept him seeing his Dad, but in a safe way.

Frenziedeeleven · 31/12/2025 22:51

I think you're letting the big picture overwhelm you, break it down, it won't be easy that's for sure but think how much easier your life will be in a years time.
Start divorce proceedings, and go from there, if you are scared he will be violent if you confront him with this let him know you are prepared to get back up, make sure he hasn't taken out any debts in your name, and think how lucky you are being able to support yourself. It may be that you have to sell the house but it will sort itself out, you just have to start the ball rolling.
And as a PP has advised, before all this get all your documentation out and start a separate bank account, get all the back up you can from family and friends and document any evidence of his drug taking, addicts lie, addicts gaslight, and addicts manipulate, do not trust one more word out of his mouth. He's sucking the life out of you and you need to be strong to get you and your daughter out.

ClearFruit · 31/12/2025 22:52

Go.

Pearlstillsinging · 31/12/2025 22:57

user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 21:44

I don’t want to leave and let him stay in the house as I pay all the bills but will be hard to get him to leave. Don’t want him to have unsupervised access to daughter either

Report his drug use to the police. Give them his car reg no, tell them when he is likely to be driving under the influence and just wait for them to pick him up. He will soon be out of the house, rehomed at His Majesty's Pleasure. Then you can divorce him.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 31/12/2025 23:02

Do not leave. He will wreck the house and devalue it.

Woukd he agree to sell so that yoy each get half of the equity?
Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 23:10

WhatSharonSaidNext · 31/12/2025 22:27

As always ‘Oh yeah just leave because it’s so simple and anyone can just walk out. Mortgage? What mortgage? CCJ? Pah! Just leave because it so easy’. Even being a solicitor isn’t enough for the armchair experts who know better.

Honestly OP all the while you can’t just walk out of a house you’re paying for, I think your easiest solution is to start divorce proceedings and exit the actual relationship itself while you’re still under the same roof so at least you get some emotional distance from the damage he’s causing himself and everyone else around him. He may even leave of his own accord once he realises you’re finished.

You’re going to have to let him fall into the abyss and not bail him out.

Thank you. I have decided I am going to do this. Either tomorrow or more likely from Monday next week as little on here all time due to holidays and don’t want to spoil her Christmas. She’s had a great time and that perhaps evidences how little time he spends with us given he’s not been present but she’s been happy with me. I actually feel like I hate him at the moment. Just keep thinking where I want to be in a years time and it’s not in this position of being so unhappy.

OP posts:
user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 23:11

Pearlstillsinging · 31/12/2025 22:57

Report his drug use to the police. Give them his car reg no, tell them when he is likely to be driving under the influence and just wait for them to pick him up. He will soon be out of the house, rehomed at His Majesty's Pleasure. Then you can divorce him.

He would just get done for driving under the influence. The prisons are full he would just lose his licence. Jesus it really is jot that easy

OP posts:
user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 23:12

Frenziedeeleven · 31/12/2025 22:51

I think you're letting the big picture overwhelm you, break it down, it won't be easy that's for sure but think how much easier your life will be in a years time.
Start divorce proceedings, and go from there, if you are scared he will be violent if you confront him with this let him know you are prepared to get back up, make sure he hasn't taken out any debts in your name, and think how lucky you are being able to support yourself. It may be that you have to sell the house but it will sort itself out, you just have to start the ball rolling.
And as a PP has advised, before all this get all your documentation out and start a separate bank account, get all the back up you can from family and friends and document any evidence of his drug taking, addicts lie, addicts gaslight, and addicts manipulate, do not trust one more word out of his mouth. He's sucking the life out of you and you need to be strong to get you and your daughter out.

Thank you the years time point and breaking it down is so helpful for me. Tomorrow’s the first day of a new life for me

OP posts:
user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 23:13

Thank you this has given me hope that there are is light at the end of the tunnel

OP posts:
Sassylovesbooks · 31/12/2025 23:31

I think you need to start divorce proceedings. If your husband won't move out of the house, you can't force him, no more than he can force you. Start living a separate life, no more laundry, cooking etc for him. If you can't afford to buy him out of the house, then the house will need to be sold, and the proceeds split. I'm sorry to say but a new job isn't going to make your husband stop taking cocaine. He's an addict, and the only person who can stop him, is himself. Most addicts have to hit rock bottom, before they will admit they have a problem and seek help. Your husband hasn't reached that point. You have to end your marriage, for your daughter's sake. You aren't responsible for your husband, and you can't help him, he needs professional help.

Millytante · 31/12/2025 23:37

PixieDust91 · 31/12/2025 22:20

Its not a crime to be using cocaine where you live? Where is this that cocaine is legal as drug? Makes no sense that you can get arrested for selling it but not if you use it. I'd have him reported to the police anyways. I can't believe you've let your child live under the same roof with this man. And you're still making excuses as to why you haven't gotten your child to a safe environment.

I’d have assumed even OP is committing a crime, as a householder routinely ‘allowing’ a Class A drug to be consumed on the premises, and with bells on since there is a child present. (Not that I’m advocating for a prosecution)

There must be cocaine all over the gaff by now; forgotten/ emergency wraps hidden, traces on surfaces, and again, that child could happen upon overlooked powder somewhere and scarf the lot thinking it’s sherbet.

There is also the question of his dealer/s.
At some point, given the way he has lost control of anything money related, there could be an unserviceable debt hanging round his neck, and today’s coke dealers are not far enough removed from the violent gangs who import it.
Debts are often dealt with by attacks on the debtor’s family, and his house. The people who carry out these jobs are the very worst imaginable.
Involvement with cocaine dealing and consumption, unless you are very heavily buffered by money and social standing, is such a mug’s game, and it’s often lethal. For someone.
Is it lunatic of me to wonder can the local cops be spoken to, for advice? A Community Police Officer? I cant think of any other advisor.

Unless of course Women’s Aid would guide you out of this, and they've undoubtedly dealt with women who’ve suffered the many toxic effects of men addicted to cocaine. Maybe that, as well as a consulting a divorce solicitor of course, should be your urgent job.

You’ve all my sympathy, OP. I saw that accursed drug destroy a good few male pals when I was younger, and it still breaks my heart to think of them before it turned them into boiling messes, very far from the slick dudes they first thought they were after a few lines.

I hope you can find a way to get this man out of your lives very soon. Maybe he can be brought back to himself, and maybe even to you, with a commitment to rehab, but for now, he is a very serious liability and a threat to your safety.
Good luck x

PS apologies for turning a quick comment into ‘War and Peace’

Crispynoodle · 31/12/2025 23:42

Plan plan plan ducks in a row. He must regularly go out of the house when he does be ready with a locksmith

PollyBell · 01/01/2026 00:10

I hope for your child's sake social services is called, why is anyone allowing this around a child, get legal advice

suburberphobe · 01/01/2026 00:32

I just want to be free of him.

What's stopping you? He sounds absolutely awful and you cannot bring up a child up in this shit show.

It's 2026 now OP. Find your inner strength - with the help of family, friends, strangers you meet ad hoc and chat with, - YOU CAN DO THIS!

You need to get this toxicity out of your life for both your sakes, you and her.

Some therapy for you to find out why you put up with it.

If you don't you will find your child will follow the same toxic family dynamic in their life.

Sending strength.

Tutorpuzzle · 01/01/2026 07:33

It sounds trite but write a list. Start (today) with checking your credit history so you can be absolutely sure he has not taken out loans/credit cards in your name.(I’m not entirely sure but I think there is some way of stopping anything like that happening? Or at least being notified if someone tries?)

Then look at all the (sadly) many, many similar posts on this site with all the amazing practical advice given. Far better than my attempt above.

Of course you can’t just leave, I honestly don’t know why people say that. (Excepting potential physical harm, of course.)

I think you might have a tricky few months ahead of you, but you sound like you’re ready for it and, ultimately, it will probably be easier than the mental torture you’re going through now.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 01/01/2026 08:35

WhatSharonSaidNext · 31/12/2025 22:27

As always ‘Oh yeah just leave because it’s so simple and anyone can just walk out. Mortgage? What mortgage? CCJ? Pah! Just leave because it so easy’. Even being a solicitor isn’t enough for the armchair experts who know better.

Honestly OP all the while you can’t just walk out of a house you’re paying for, I think your easiest solution is to start divorce proceedings and exit the actual relationship itself while you’re still under the same roof so at least you get some emotional distance from the damage he’s causing himself and everyone else around him. He may even leave of his own accord once he realises you’re finished.

You’re going to have to let him fall into the abyss and not bail him out.

Best advice on here, 👏🏻

Littlegreenbauble · 01/01/2026 08:45

Unfortunately cokeheads are liars and they don't easily stop taking it. I divorced mine. That was actually the change he needed to stop, which he did after a bit. I think ideally he would leave. Not so easy. Consider how you can protect his relationships with any children like pp said.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 01/01/2026 08:48

Well done for getting that out of your head. First step to taking back some control.x

logincard · 01/01/2026 08:54

If you phone the police and tell them there is cocaine in the house with a child, it is a safeguarding matter. This will be taken seriously.

LlynTegid · 01/01/2026 09:00

I wish you well in starting a new life without him.

I'd be tempted once you are safe and he is not under your roof to ensure his employer knows.

Alpacajigsaw · 01/01/2026 09:04

The only thing you’ve been unreasonable on is putting up with this shit for over 5 years after him bringing that muck into your house

Bin him off ASAP

Maxme · 01/01/2026 09:05

One bit of additional advice:

  • Do a credit search with Experian and / or credit karma to make sure he hasn't opened any secret debt in your name (fraud).
Alpacajigsaw · 01/01/2026 09:08

user1471267414 · 31/12/2025 22:11

It’s a crime to sell not to take and also the police take two weeks to come when house has been burgled so I doubt this would work. If it would I’d do it in a flash

It’s a crime to be in possession of it and how does someone take it without being in possession of it?!

Alpacajigsaw · 01/01/2026 09:12

Oh and the new career will amount to fuck all other than him pissing it up the wall due to being coked off his nut

OurChristmasMiracle · 01/01/2026 09:12

You cannot help a person who doesn’t want to be helped or doesn’t see they have a problem.

addicts have to WANT to get clean for themselves not for any other reason. They will promise the world. Maybe even “try”. Give you glimmers of hope but honestly it sounds like lip service.

all you can do now is protect yourself and your children and leave.