If you have an avoidant attachment style…

[user2466]

If you have an avoidant attachment style can you recall or pin point certain events that may have led to that attachment style and how it’s impacted you in adult relationships?

I’m the opposite of an avoidant. I’m anxious and I hate it. I hate the overthinking, over extending myself, feeling pain when people do me wrong whilst they seem unphased by it. It almost seems as though avoidants can flip a switch and not feel emotions as deeply. Is this really the case?

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

Bump

Anxious avoidant here. Shit gets real and I just want to run away.

No one incident but long term parental neglect and abuse. I just want a peaceful life and if that means running away and being on
my own so be it.

Been married 25 years btw, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still want to run.

It's supposed to come from your early experiences with your main care givers, usually your parents.

So you wouldn't remember as such, though of course your parents probably acted quite consistently over the years, so you will have some knowledge of what caused what.

I have some anxious attachment because of my mum but also some avoidant because of my dad, who worked away a lot (at sea, for months on end). The two kind of interract with each other. Either can be triggered.

Most avoidant people are very selfish individuals they know what they are doing they don't care because they are not able to show empathy, remorse, emotion, they are unemotional vampires they suck you dry then move onto the next victim, talking from experience too, never got enough attention as a child most likely or didnt get an extra slice of pizza

Step away from the wine. An “extra slice of pizza”? No, avoidant attachment doesn’t come from that.

That's not avoidant, that's more narcissistic. Avoidant is where you struggle with intimacy.

Yes and discard you like trash when things get too emotional for them narcs and avoidant people are very similar

@Springtimehere I’ve tried two different types. Didn’t get on with either of them unfortunately but I’ve just had six seasons of therapy

Avoidant is not better than anxious - you push people away and struggle to form intimate emotional connections. Why not aim for secure attachment style? Or at least try to find partners that have a secure attachment style rather than avoidant.

Are you an anxious who keeps going for avoidants and getting her feelings hurt by any chance?
Avoidant doesn't mean lacking in empathy. Part of my avoidant tendencies in relationships stems from over identifying with the other person - I can almost feel their emotions towards me and I am terrified of eliciting more interest than I am able to return so I tend to ditch them before they get a chance to get too attached. I am perfectly capable of love, care and empathy towards people in my life but I keep the circle small and don't pursue relationships or friendships with anyone who puts demands on me that I can't meet. That's being fair to both of us, as I don't want to be in a position to cause anyone else pain or experience rejection by me.

My attachment style is avoidant. I definitely feel pain very deeply, people just don't see it as I'm avoidant, therefore, don't reach out for support or trust people with my feelings. I seem like a don't care at all but it's the complete opposite.
I think I got this way because my needs were ignored and I instead had to monitor and manage everyone else's emotions.

Wow.
Avoidant here, that is so, so far from the truth. Very harsh post there. Do you have any remorse or emotion around the venom in that post?

I do remember at one point when I was about 12 thinking, I’d far rather preserve my dignity and autonomy than fall for a cynical charade of romance.

It was largely informed by watching my dad have endless affairs with his vulnerable, gullible, young undergraduate students who idealised him and hung on his every word, and begged him for attention and affection when he lost interest, and assumed / believed he was going to leave my mum for them because he’d fed them all the tired old lines about how they were soulmates, had a once in a lifetime connection, etc.

I just thought, yeah, over my dead body will I ever be the absolute mug in that position.

And every woman I’ve known who nurtures fantasies of a grand romance, or a perfect emotional merger of twin souls or whatever has fallen for bullshit artist men over and over again. They never seem to learn, or recognise their own part in it. It’s always this tragic tale of being let down / abandoned yet again by a man who turned out to be no good - but the next one will definitely be their knight in shining armour.

I have probably erred a bit in the other direction in that I have a pretty unusually un-demonstrative relationship, and we live largely separate lives - but it works for me overall.

I have a very strong, visceral fuck-you response to people who are super charismatic / charming / suspiciously flattering and complimentary, and I feel trapped and repelled by people who are emotionally intense and need a lot of contact and reassurance and endless talking about the relationship.

The idea of living at another person’s whim and begging for affection and validation is utterly horrifying to me and I can’t understand how people put themselves in this sort of position.

I honestly think I’ve switched mid adulthood. I used to very much have an anxious attachment style. I had very low self esteem and confidence. My parents were great. My dad worked away, but I had a very present and affectionate mother. Dad did have a big temper though and there was some tiptoeing around him when he was home.

I’ve grown in confidence as an adult and also had had an absolutely fantastic partner for the last 15yrs. I don’t do anything that really negatively impacts my relationships, but when I’m stressed I do find myself withdrawing and struggle with affection during those times. I also find I increasingly have a harder time expressing how I feel.

Gotta love psychology - the gift that makes you label yourself. Or put yourself into a box and seal it up.

Another thing strikes me, OP, when you talk about switching off feelings.

I don’t switch off my feelings, but I make pragmatic decisions about how to protect myself and respond with dignity, and I strenuously resist the urge to ruminate or stew. This takes work!!

Some of this is stuff I learned over the years about emotional regulation and boundaries.

Some of it is just the dumb luck of biology and neurology, as I have never had difficulty with impulse control, and my emotional struggles are more in the arena of low level irritability than being flooded all the time by big feelings. I think people who experience a lot of mood instability do have a genuinely much harder time with pulling back and making considered decisions in relationships - and tend to skew more anxious than avoidant.

But basically I remind myself when I am hurt that I can’t control other people’s feelings or behaviour. So if someone has demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt that they are volatile, or unreliable, or simply that they don’t like me very much, the smartest thing to do is withdraw any emotional investment in them, so that I’m not throwing good energy after bad.

If someone is giving me the impression they’re not interested in me, I take the hint. I respect their right not to like me. I don’t like everyone either - even if they’re good people who’ve done nothing wrong.

I don’t try to work out what I can do to make someone like me if they don’t. I make sure to behave ethically, so I can be sure I haven’t deliberately fucked anyone over, and beyond that I let people have whatever feelings and opinions they have.

It hurts if someone I like doesn’t like me, but that’s life.

Another thing about switching emotions off - people have different nervous system responses under stress. If I find someone difficult to be around, I dissociate. Without consciously choosing to, I retreat inside myself and emotionally play dead. I’m perfectly calm and polite, and can keep a conversation going pleasantly enough but I’m not really there. They can’t hurt or irritate me too much, as my real self has left the building and I am giving them a perfunctory performance of whatever social niceties they want to extract from me.

This is an automatic coping mechanism I have - and I am glad to have it as it’s generally served me well. But other people’s nervous systems might put them into fight or flight instead, which is harder to manage.

I do think a lot of this stuff is the luck of the draw biologically as much as a response to attachment and relational trauma.

@VoltaireMittyDream put it quite well. It's not about not having feelings, just protecting them by not investing in someone who is going to be unreliable or isn't really invested.

If I had to speculate i think if close early relationships are cut off unexpectedly eg someone walking out, death, or being an entirely negative influence (abuse etc) you might tend towards avoidance because you have to learn quickly that that relationship is gone (or never existed) and as much as it hurts nothing you can do will change it.

If you had inconsistent relationships (perhaps narcissist or alcoholic parents etc) who sometimes seemed wonderful and full of care and other times terrifying or hateful or unsafe, you might move towards anxious attachment as you learn that you're trying trying trying to do something to bring about the love and care side of the person. Then you apply the same to other relationships later in life. I actually feel for people who had this experience because to me it looks much more damaging and difficult to navigate.

But I'm just an armchair observer not an expert.

I wouldn't recommend avoidance tbh as you have to be very very resilient as people do tend to see you as someone who doesn't need help or care. You are limiting how close you can get to people because of the reluctance to appear vulnerable. But it is a good safety net when all else fails.

Some therapy would probably be better, and just try to think rationally, you can't change anyone else you can only change yourself and how you react.

Sorry you're having a hard time

Avoidant is not something to aspire to in order to protect yourself. These people seem like they dont get hurt, but thats because they self-sabotage before the chance of hurt, it then becomes a downward spiral. Another failed relationship, means they were right to protect themself and act the way they did- and then they do it again the next time and the next.

When you're deep in the avoidant pattern you DO feel that being avoidant is better, stronger, more independent, safer etc. It's definitely delulu but that's how it feels. It's an effective strategy against hurt though it does lead to loneliness. I am now married to an anxious/avoidant leaning type which surprised both of us, I would say I'm now avoidant leaning earned secure but it took a lot of work. With my current perspective I can see how harmful my previous patterns were but when I was in it, it seemed right.

Avoidant attachment style= they just aren’t into you.

Absolutely 100% this a lot of the time tbh.

I think there are people out there, particularly on social media, who will find ways to pathologise anyone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with them for whatever reason.

Such people also often don’t fully understand that everyone has the right to and a relationship for any reason - so they will doggedly try to rehabilitate someone’s ‘avoidance’ rather than accept being broken up with. Nobody who is genuinely avoidant would get involved with someone this controlling in the first place.

There is a book called "Attached" which you can get from eg Amazon which explains about attachment styles in relationships. One of the most common scenarios apparently is someone's anxious attachment being triggered by their partner's avoidant style. Worth a read.

You have articulated how I feel so well. I’ve never thought about attachment styles but I am definitely an avoidant reading this thread.

OP, I have no idea about "attachment styles", but it's true that just because people don't show their feelings, it doesn't mean they don't feel anything at all. As we get older, we learn that displays of emotion don't really get us anywhere, I suppose.
Plus, in times of difficulty , it's a natural reaction to want to withdraw and want to process that alone and inside our heads. There are important events/strong feelings that I have never told to a living soul, and never will. It's about independence and a wish for privacy.