If you have an avoidant attachment style…

[user2466]

If you have an avoidant attachment style can you recall or pin point certain events that may have led to that attachment style and how it’s impacted you in adult relationships?

I’m the opposite of an avoidant. I’m anxious and I hate it. I hate the overthinking, over extending myself, feeling pain when people do me wrong whilst they seem unphased by it. It almost seems as though avoidants can flip a switch and not feel emotions as deeply. Is this really the case?

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

@user2466 read Attached by Amir Levine it’s really insightful and helpful

They have similar traits but narcs come from a place of power and control. Avoidant attachment comes from fear.

Avoidant attachment is from your experiences with your early care givers. If they were distant, you are likely to be distant too. It doesn't have to be fear as such. You can find that all the mothers going back generations are avoidant and everyone has just picked it up from each other. Babies may have been in ICU, with limited touch, gone into all day childcare very early... they aren't necessarily scared, just left to rely on themselves more than average.

I've concluded after years of messing up relationships and therapy that I must fall into the 'fearful avoidant' category. Boy that's a fun one.
Also known as disorganised attachment.

I'm anxious, needy and panic at intimacy (start feeling backed into a corner). Run from any situation that 'triggers' me and then want the person back once they have gone.

Comes from having scary, inconsistent, chaotic caregivers who are both the source of comfort and also the source of fear. So as a child you are confused as to whether to go to them for comfort or avoid them as they are dangerous.

Also been diagnosed with CPTSD and getting therapy on NHS soon. I suspect I also have BPD as that often overlaps with CPTSD but the therapists have been very careful not to use those words.

Sadly it all fits perfectly.

Both parents had bad childhoods and where mentally ill, violent, abusive, depressed. Took me years to figure it out.

People who grew up with safe, consistent, calm caregivers have no idea how lucky they are. The start you have in life affects every area including your physical health.

Thank you for the responses. There’s an interesting mix of responses here. I agree with some of the PP that the ideal is to be securely attached and not aim to be avoidant. I just wanted to understand better as I never understood as an anxiously attached person why you would retreat/avoid.

My husband and I separated in September after I asked him to step up more financially and be more hands on with our daughter. He has ADHD and Autism so I’ve always tried to be understanding of his conditions and how they impact him (communication isn’t his strength, he struggles to manage finances and compartmentalise etc) but I reached breaking point due to carrying a lotttt myself and he decided to leave and go back to his narc parents. His dad who controlled him his whole life and his mum who played the victim and always asked my husband to shrink to accommodate his controlling dad. Both his parents were controlling. Dad more overt mum more covert and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he’d retreat to that despite tasting freedom? Whenever we’d argue about finances or him being hands on as a dad he’d shut down, leave the room, get defensive or just ignore me. He did try at times to communicate as I said it would make me anxious and there was a period he got better at it but he always felt guilt for moving out of his parents house and putting his wife and child first and I couldn’t understand why.