To feel uncomfortable telling half-sibling about parents assets?

[singhast]

My dad is terminally ill, but will hopefully be with us for at least another year.

I have several half-siblings that my dad had from his first marriage. We are not super close and see each other a few times a year as we live in different countries. My dad is still with his second wife, my mum. Half-siblings dislike my dmum.

My half-brother is planning to visit my dad to help out with his treatment and help with odd jobs around the house. I received a few texts from half-brother asking in detail about my parents assets, whether there are mortgages, whether they still own X property. It’s not a mega fortune by any stretch but my parents comfortably retired in their early 50s.

It almost feels like half-brother is trying to speak to my dad about his will to make sure he gets a chunky inheritance. He even asked me if I knew whether the will had been updated or not.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable telling my half-siblings about my parents assets? My mum’s finances are not really their business, but then again everything they own is joint.

It’s not for you to tell him while DF is still alive, he can ask his dad if he feels the need to know.

Seems like an extremely financially motivated trip! Surely all assets will go to your mum in the first instance? Even if your dad leaves half the house to you/siblings, until your mum dies, it should all go into a trust and trustees will need to be appointed and agree on use of the trust for the benefit of your mum until her death. This is the advice from my estate planner who did our Power of Attorney/wills.

Easiest thing to say is ’Ask dad, I know nothing about his finances’.

There are so many stories of man has kids, man remarries and has more kids with new wife, man dies and new wife inherits everything, new wife dies and all assets go to her kids and the first set of kids get nothing.

So I absolutely see why this question is asked.

I've seen it happen but instead of money it was family jewellery that got handed down to the wrong people due to the above scenario.

Maybe he's thinking your dad needs care and wants to know how it can be funded. I'd talk to my brother about these things in similar circumstances so I don't see why you wouldn't talk to him, like it or not you share a father

As @Cherrysoup says…’Ask dad, I know nothing about his finances’.

your half sibling is defo sniffing around for a payday…

Its possible that your brother is wondering how much help he should actually be giving your dad, if your dad married a woman he and his siblings dislike and hasnt made any provision for them in his estate.

‘I have no idea’ repeat….are there any mortgages ‘I have no idea’ Do they still own X property ‘I have no idea….’

This is difficulty for me, but my advice would be to tell him he needs to discuss it with your mother, I assume as you say all their accounts are joint then everything will be left to her. But this is for your parents to confirm. I would also push your parents to make sure the will is up to date and that they have both power of attorneys for financial and health set up and in place whilst your father is still able todo so and before your sibling speaks/visits

the reason this is difficult for me is because my father remarried after we lost my mum. He had been married to my mum for 45 years and everything had been left to him on her death then to be split between us when he died. He died 5 years later and had rewritten the will leaving everything to her for her lifetime then to be split between me and my siblings. This didn’t happen, we discussed contesting the will but decided we trusted her. She died 4 years later and left everything to her family, we got legal advice but were told we didn’t have a chance at that point. It wasn’t a fortune but it was the principle tbh, but there you go.

im tell you this because you can see your siblings point of view. Every case is different and it sounds like your parents were married a long time and etc I suppose it depends what your father brought to the marriage all those year’s ago.

Do you know what the will says @singhast?

How much was he involved with DC from his first marriage?

Asking you, wrong. Asking his dad, might be reasonable depending on his intentions.

‘You’ll have to ask Dad’. Repeat repeat repeat.

Tell him to talk to dad. Also make sure your mom (and dad, depending on situstion) know about it and that they do have their affairs in order.

I don't think he should be running after inheritance. However, it is very common that children from first marriage get nothing even if that parent has made 100% of the money. If it is made knowingly, it is 'fine' but a lot of parents don't think about it or just boindly trust that their cureent spouse will be 'fair" So I'm not suprised he is asking.

Exactly. OP prob understands this too. From OP point of view ofc she won't want to share any info. People are playing their position.

He needs to speak with your parents. I’d simply say you don’t know, but he’s welcome to have that conversation with them.

I have an older half brother. My mum was the second wife. He was pretty much no contact for the last few years of my dad’s life (I was 18 and he would have been mid 30s when dad died). Did not come to see him at all in the last days and weeks of his life.

But bam, was right on the phone to the solicitor and had set up an initial appointment for us both before he’d even called the hospital to consent to the release of his body to the funeral director. 😔 That definitely set the tone for the next year or two of dealing with my dad’s affairs. As soon as he finally got his money, off he went! I haven’t heard from him again in 25 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It has the potential to be messy. I would not get drawn in to it until you have to.

In some ways I can understand him. If you're from a broken family, you'll always be second fiddle to the new family.

I am the elderly parent in this situation, with dc from a previous marriage. The situation is exactly why dh and I do NOT have wills leaving everything to each other. My share of our joint assets are intended for my dc, and his share of our joint assets are intended for his dc.

We made the changes after MIL (who frequently said she wanted her dc to be provided for) died and her will left everything to FIL, expecting that he would pass it on to their dc. FIL is now in a care home - and racing through all the money. Of course dh and his siblings want him to be well cared for but eventually all the money will run out.

There are many possible scenarios.

Of course mine and dh's wills have complexities (house left in trust etc) and there was a lot of discussion with the solicitor to make it all work.

OP, what do you think should hapen? Could you broach your df about this?

I think it’s only natural to wonder if you’ve been included when you have separated parents and they go on to have another family

Dad is still alive and has a wife who will probably out live him. It's up to dad who he leaves money /property to and by how much.
Your brother gives the impression of being a grubby little git looking for his share of the estate. He's most likely turning up to help with stuff mostly likely to earn brownie points and wangle favour. Why has he asked about financials otherwise?
I'm a natural cynic but then have had seen this happen in real life. All the sroats coming out of the wood work when there is a whiff of money, when they don't give a shit about the very ill /dying person normally.

@myhaggisblewup he could be money grabbing or he could be thinking what would be fair share between siblings. @singhast did your dad move away from his first family if they live in a different country?

To be fair it’s his dad, he’s allowed to be interested as he presumably will inherit but better for him to ask himself directly rather than involve you.

I can see a few sides to this, but in any case, there isn't a role for you in that discussion. I'm in a different but not completely dissimilar position. My mum has children (obvs!) and she married a man who had children. They combined their assets. He died several years back. Mum is relatively well, but whenever her time comes, she's let me know the status of her will, and I feel awkward about it. Although she has a very good relationship with one of his children, her children are the only ones in the will, but get decisions I've way or another have nothing to do with me, so I don't communicate about it.

There may be a back story where OP's mum was the other woman and split up a family which would explain why OP's half siblings dislike her mum. We don't know how OP's dad treated the children of his first marriage. We do know from the countless stories on here that the children of the first marriage are often the losers financially and emotionally.

First families get shafted in wills.

I’m with DB on this one. If DF had anything from family it goes to all his DC, not just favourites or the recent one.

No harm in knowing where everyone stands.

If there’s a kick in the teeth waiting for DF’s children, they need to be warned.

This is horrifying. Your mum is effectively planning to steal what is rightfully your step sibling’s and pass to her own children. What a total betrayal of her late husband. Do you feel uncomfortable enough about being the beneficiary of this to pass back what is rightfully theirs, accumulated by their own parents? Or will you, despite your discomfort, see it as morally correct to honour your mum’s wishes and take the lot? I can hazard a guess!

Just tell your brother to ask your Dad.

Most of your Dad's assets will go to your mum, your half bro may not be super thrilled about this, but it's the law - but anyway, it's for your Dad to manage these convs while he's around.