Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

@Hazlenuts2016

I agree. Foster carers are paid to look after a child. They are not your child. Adoptive children are the adoptive parents child - in inheritance for example. I would not inherit under intestacy laws from my birth ‘parents’.

My parents adopted me as they were told (incorrectly) that they could not have children. I was loved and cared for like their birth child from the day I arrived. I know as I now have siblings! And we are treated equally (allowing for needs and personality of course).

If Adoptees get a good family they get told ‘you were so lucky’. Yes I was. But so were the families, they get a child to love and care for, which is presumably why they wanted to adopt! Surely there has to be a benefit for all. If not, as it seems we are finding, people don’t do it.

And parents do have control - over hair cuts, school choices, holidays abroad etc normal family decisions that Foster Carers have to get the LA to approve.

We (my family and I) were all very lucky. It was a great match and we were left ALONE. They parented me without some social worker checking an App.. We moved before I started school and no pupil premiums/LAC registers etc meant School was unaware (unless I told them). Friends unaware. No contact with birth family at a contact centres I had a normal childhood. I wasn’t stigmatised or told constantly ‘you are lucky’ You would not guess I was adopted. Everyone says I look like my mum/sibling etc 😂. I wasn’t stigmatised. I wasn’t ’oh Did you know happyplaty is adopted? I wonder what happened there? Do you think she was trouble, better not invite her to your party’. And yes people do say that about adopted children and they should be ashamed of themselves.

You only have to read about how fathers abuse the court system and get access to the child they abused (or they were violent to the childs mother) to know as a society we are not putting children at the centre. Even children of rape have been forced to see their father. Where are the studies on the damage this causes?

@drspouse

‘’Because that's the kind of relationship we're talking about - a relative you see rarely but who's interested in your wellbeing.’’

I just reread your post and want to add. My birth family are not my relatives. If I’m adopted they are not my relative by law either. My wellbeing is none of their business. That stopped the minute they couldn’t care for me.

If your child does remember their family and wants to keep in touch without any persuasion, coercion etc fair enough. But if it’s part of what social services expect from adopters it’s not on (in my opinion).

Also Control - adopted child lack agency and control. Things are done to them. Abused or Relinquished. Removed. Placed. Fostered. Adopted. Photographed. Shared via an app.

SS - Lots of theorising. And apparently not enough protecting (grooming girls raped).

@Allisnotlost1 - of course foster homes can be loving - but they are often temporary and the child knows that. There is no permancy, no feeling of belonging, of being wanted. They are free to call foster carers mum and dad - then when they are moved at a moments notice to another foster home they can call them mum and dad too and so on. They then reach 18 and are then required to leave and put into a council flat to fend for themselves. I don't think a lot of children do return to birth families from foster care but the way some posters here see adoptive parents as the enemy who have somehow stolen children from poor unfortunate birth parents is upsetting and naive.

I can't speak for the PP but I think she was trying to say that adopters are being expected to care for and advocate for and support some of the most damaged and vulnerable children in society with little to no support and a high chance of being blamed for things not going well, and that format isn't sustainable. People won't sign up for that and these children will not have a chance at family life who maybe could have if their adoptive parents were able to parent without being expected to allow unsafe people into their child's life while being blamed for the results of the damage other people have done to those children.

My experience of so-called post adoption support is that they just blame the adopters. I posted up thread that when I tried to get therapy for my DD the post adoption support team did what they called a thorough assessment without ever meeting or speaking to her. During the one zoom call with me that constituted the 'assessment' of my DD, I'd explained she was struggling with self harm and I'd had to put parental controls on her phone to stop her accessing pro self harm sites. She then stole a phone from an elderly relative and pretended they'd misplaced it, so she could continue accessing dangerous online content. The social worker used this story in her report to describe me as a 'controlling and micromanaging' parent (that's a direct quote) who needed a parenting course. People who want to parent are just not going to sign up for this shit.

well not all foster carers work like that. My foster child who has v complex disabilities has been with us his whole life( 20 now). He is v much part of the family and we love and care for him just the same as our biological and adopted kids.
Sometimes foster carers are unable to adopt because of complex reasons. V much not in the child's best interests by the way . It can be heartbreaking being a foster carer at times .

And @flapjackfairy yours sounds just the sort of case where you should have been able to adopt even if too old, fat or unwell and to have still been entitled to the financial payments needed for quality care and support. Apologies if these don’t cover your circumstances but I have seen similar situations to the above scenarios.

As a fellow adoptee, co-signed 100%.

Yes, people only have to listen to or read all the recent BBC coverage about systemic abuse of adopters to gain more of an insight of some of the themes of current adoption. There is a R4 File on 4 Investigates documentary entitled Adoption: the Blame Game that was released at the end of November and is still available on the R4 website or on BBC Sounds. I would urge anyone who has posted here to listen to it.

I have given away a few nuggets of information about my own adoptive journey. My AD1 was born addicted to alcohol and heroin, plus a whole medicine cabinet of other illicit drugs. As a consequence, she lost her sight at 11 and she is now registered blind. I understand my AD1’s rage at the world but she is a prolific domestic abuser who steals anything of value she can get her hands on. We are well known to the police. Our neighbours hate us. My AD2 is not safe from her. Oh, and she makes false allegations about me that have seen me arrested and detained in custody to be interviewed under caution. My AD1’s story is not uncommon, the vast majority of adoptive children these days have been exposed to alcohol and or drugs and domestic violence while in utero. The high incidence of foetal alcohol spectrum disorder is a ticking time bomb. Our children are over-represented among NEETs, in prisons and the criminal justice system and the homeless.

Meanwhile, this Labour government has almost halved the only tangible ‘support’ that was provided to adopters, namely the Adoption & Special Guardianship Support Fund. And when adopters reach the end of their rope after years of battling for help and seek to have their out-of-control and dangerous children reaccommodated by the state, they are punished with legal proceedings. Some, like doctors, teachers and nurses then have their careers ruined through the DBS system. Oh, and new tactic by LAs, who do not have the interests of the family or the child at heart, but are only interested in saving ££££, is to actually attempt to emotionally blackmail adoptive couples to separate and live apart so that one parent houses the child.

Believe me, for very many hundreds of us, adoption is not a fairy story. On the contrary, it can be an absolute horror story. And I will sign off from being the Bad Fairy now.

I see where you’re coming from but that’s not always true for foster homes, long-term fostering exists and people I know who have been in foster care - even for relatively short periods - remember their carers and the stability they had there with great affection. Children in foster care don’t always ‘have’ to leave either. And equally some adoptions are disastrous and break down.

I just don’t think it’s necessary to pit one form of care against another. It’s understandable that adopting parents want to create stability for the children and of course that’s what the system should enable and support. But sometimes that won’t be the right pathway, or possible - not least because fewer adopters want older children - and we (as a society) should be making sure other pathways meet children’s needs as far as possible too. That might include kinship care, temporary or long-term foster care or other versions of care.

@ThePieceHall
I think its really important that people share the current reality of adoption.

I posted upthread about how difficult it can be to find the right space for it.

Adoptive groups are often full of people with young children, who give advice based on where they are at.

Or full of prospective adopters asking for "positivity", and good news stories. We are immensely proud of our family, and I hate the idea with linked shame that we should be quiet or be a "horror story". I do think thought it's helpful for would be adopters to hear some reality though eg not to accept vague reassurances or that while it seems ludicrous that money is checked when its not for "everyone else", that people like me have never been able to go back to work in the same way.
I do resent the idea that seems that we should be a good advert and not put people off by talking too much

I'm also conscious of like some of the previous posters have raised of not othering, demonising etc adoptees or people with care experience.

However it's our experience and importantly my kids experience too.

Sometimes I think things would be different if I was parenting an adopted adult vs an adopted teen in the midst of every hormone going if that makes sense.

Great post. I agree strongly re forced contact with fathers, my mother had a terrible battle when I was a toddler to prevent me from seeing my (not safe at all) father. Hopefully things will improve now with scrutiny on family courts.

BTW, I can understand why you feel glad your parents were left alone. However, large numbers of adopted children now have complex needs- ADHD, ASD, trauma etc so I think extra support and awareness by social workers is necessary, although this shouldn't mean pushing contact inappropriately

That's really insightful. Thank you.

I don't send photos of my children in contact letters but do send updates. Development, sports achievements, birthday presents, holidays etc. I always thought it was nice but you've given me a lot to think about.

I do wonder how many have complex needs that have been made worse by the care system? And I do understand most children are now taken into care rather than relinquished.

I feel for anyone dealing with social workers - none of the ones I dealt with when fostering had children. It’s all theory taught at university! I think the groomed girls made me realise how bad the care system is. I am so greatful I escaped it. The grooming girls were failed by their birth families, then social workers and police. They were basically supplying rapists with children as they didn’t prosecute. My understanding is thousands of girls were groomed. I do wonder what has happened to them. How have they managed as adults. I think the independent grooming inquiry (crowd funded by the public so not as many powers but clearly determined to do their best) will be heart breaking in Feb when the results start coming out.

That could have been any of us or our kids had our life circumstances been different, a death or trauma that meant our birth parents couldn’t cope.

To all the parents and adoptees here. Keep going. This adoptees childhood was fabulous due to my amazing family. Could I find stuff to moan about - of course I could. But being adopted made me who I am today, I wouldn’t be me had I not been adopted.

And to those ladies who were groomed and now speak out, interview, research, educate and fight. If you are reading - you are fabulous, brave women. I hope the grooming inquiry and the many people who donated show that you are in many people’s thoughts. And anyone affected reading this, girl or parent or family member - I really hope you get some closure. You are in my thoughts most days despite not knowing any of you.

I have been reading this page for days. I can see and understand all sides of the arguments. I have held back from commenting while trying to analyse my thoughts. Now I feel the grooming girls has arisen I need to say something at risk of outing myself.

my husband asked me the other day when I started stuggling with Christmas. I told him it was when I was 11 years old and newly adopted. My adoptive father adopted me to remove the intrusion and closer observations of social workers. From the age of 7 until my late-twenties when I literally moved hundreds of miles away. I was never allowed to forget I was I was the foster child, I was bullied repeatedly, relentlessly and revoltingly as a child in the lovely middle class environment. I was raised in a gilded cage, told to be grateful for having parents, holidays and a fancy card. Yet I lived in a house of horror and torment. I did speak out when I was a 13 and subsequently mentally and emotionally punished by the so called professional social workers who informed me I was a promiscuous liar (the reality even as adult, intimacy with my loving husband is difficult), the teachers were as bad and a so called friend told me her Mum said this is what happens to girls like me.

I ran away at 16 to another abuser then at 19 met my biological family. The only decent women in that family was my grandmother who I sadly lost at 27. I felt guilt for years at not feeling like I thought I was supposed to about the biological family. Then I read the social care files.

My first Christmas was spent in hospital. I have a younger half sister who is a social worker and makes excuses for her mother. It absolutely disgusts me and I am no contact with any member of my biological family and nor do I wish to be.

I have turned my life around and advocating for change using the skills I have developed with lived expertise. As are other survivors of the care system. Yet professionally I have met adoptive parents who act as though they deserve sainthood (I find them very triggering of my own adoptive parents ) and others who I respect and only share they are an adoptive parent in an appropriate manner to support the young person.

i was once making small talk with a social worker, I mentioned my husband and I talked about adopting. To be informed that is not all babies and cuteness. I was being automatically judged as I am considered to be well spoken. I do not need theories to tell me the reality I have lived it. Actually I would adopt older children or a sibling group (I have not been able to have biological children). I was so ashamed and internalised my shame I did not speak out.

There is no one size fits all, each case should be a case by case examination with a legislative and policy guideline ( I say this as a policy analyst/researcher). My last point is that, there are genuine biological families (who cannot care for a child for a variety of reasons), there are genuine adopters and professionals who are doing there best and there are also those abusive biological families, abusive adopted families and negligent professionals.

All anyone can do is try to work together the best way possible and address issues as they rise. Yes I do think that CAMHs, EHCP and other services need to acknowledge and be accountable for these precious children.

I don’t think there is any one answer or any magic solution that would be best for all children. And sometimes you won’t know what was best until they are adults. Or even at all as you won’t know what the outcome would have been if another situation had occurred.

As I said upthread, I long term foster. For us it very much has been like adoption in that the kids call us mum and dad, I made choices about schools, haircuts, holidays etc. I kept the kids as far removed from social services as possible. Every 6 months there is a review and every time I am asked if the kids want to go. Every time for over a decade I have said no - being in a room with everyone talking about your behaviour and your grades and your home life (including a review officer who is meant to see them every 6 months but often changes anyway so is often a stranger) is not a situation ‘birth’ children have to experience so I didn’t want my two to experience it either. One IRO once insisted they were there and promptly really upset one of them with something she said. Thankfully now they are on the verge of ‘aging out’ they always say no themselves.

I used to think it would have been in the youngest’s best interests to be adopted. He had terrible anger issues as a child, often expressed to his sibling and then later to my birth child and I used to think if he’d been adopted as an only child none of his problems would exist. But, touch wood, he overcame them and is a lovely, funny 17 year old now. So did he do better as a child in foster care, seeing birth family and being let down by birth family and learning the hard way about certain members of his birth family, or would he have done better being adopted and never seeing them and then being let down after seeing them again as an adult? We’ll never know. But for him I do think it has been positive for him to have his eyes opened as a child, and to experience the good and the bad side of family time. Plus he does have other birth family who have been there consistently. And, not to blow my own trumpet, but we kept him when some other foster carers might have given up and so he has had a childhood similar to the stable upbringing of an adopted child without the label of adoption - other than his very chaotic early life we have been the only home he has known since entering care which I think has been much more beneficial than having several foster homes would have been.

I completely agree with you.

We considered adoption but the contact with family completely put me off. Not sure how it’s in the best interests of the kids in 99% of the cases… and I’m a social worker!

I adopted my son 10 years ago and initially was told we would need to have face to face contact, it did nearly put us off as we were told we would have to make the 6 hour round trip off our own back at appointed times even if it meant being unable to get future childcare for the child we already had and no guarantee of them turning up. They changed their minds for photo letterbox which they've never replied too even when when we pleaded for medical knowledge when our son became critically ill, they said they would speak to social workers who could then communicate to us but chose not to. I'm so glad we didn't have to in the end because within a few months of him being with us it was realised just how and horrendous safeguarding things they put such a small child threw, absolutely unforgivable

That’s awful @Unicornsandrainbow and I hope all those championing the “ooh but only birth family thoughts and feelings matter” actually see this and climb off their sanctimonious high horse

That is terrible. Am so sorry you were put in that situation to pander to the wants of a couple who clearly did not care.

As I said up thread I think as a country we have lost our sanity. It is all about feelings rather than facts and figures. The children have been removed for a good reason. The child should be at the centre of adoption. Not adults who won’t even pass on their medical history.

I doubt many studies have been done on the impact of having an App on your phone reminding you of adoption every time you pick up your device. How is that useful? As I said upthread I was successfully adopted and would forget for months I was adopted. It really was a very minor part of my childhood.

Now I’d have an App, social worker, letters to write to someone who may not reply. 6 hour round trips. Adults to worry about. Am I writing enough, correctly, do I love my adoptive family too much. What are those strangers doing with them photos of me? Do I really have to hug my birth family? I don’t even know them? Unless the child wants contact it’s bonkers.

I hope adopted children and children forced to be in contact with abusive parents band together and sue social services/the local authority/whoever makes these bizarre rules. Sadly when they have to pay money out then the authorities will use their common sense.

Have you had a birth child adopted?

the whole idea of face to face contact or any other contact is rooted in research that it helps the child (in certain situations)

Contact with birth parents, obviously accessed on a case to case basis, can help with the identity, and “life story” issues that many adopted children struggle with as they grow up.

You need to go back & do some reading beyond the very basic grasp you've derived from handouts & workbooks.
It didn't do the baby monkeys any good to keep getting electric shocks from their object of attachment, remember?

I'm really sorry you've been through all this : you sound like you've gone above & beyond for your AD1.
Honestly, reading about the huge role FAS plays in so many of these cases, I start to wonder if women who choose to carry a pregnancy to term and are alcoholics should be restrained once they pass the legal limit for abortion (confirming they want to carry pregnancy to term), kept in a secure place and prevented from consuming alcohol.

I am strongly pro choice but this not about stopping women have control over whether they give birth. It is about ensuring that women who want to carry their baby to term do not cause such devastating damage.

I can see the ethical implications of this, the danger it could mean women hide their pregnancies etc.... I just feel it's so awful that we can't do anything to prevent the damage in utero. I get the bodily autonomy argument, but is it worse to have your bodily autonomy restricted between the abortion limit and delivery date, or to be born with FAS?

@Carla786 most of the alcohol damage is done in the first trimester, and that's leaving aside the whole human rights aspect of your suggestion.

I do get where you’re coming from but it’s too nuanced for a solution like that. Consuming alcohol can have a damaging effect from (or even before) conception, but not all foetal exposure will result in symptoms and binge drinking can be even more damaging than daily drinking. And as someone posted previously, sperm can also contribute to FAS.